Varieties.

Cromwell Argus, Volume I, Issue 33, 29 June 1870, Page 7

Varieties.

—o— Toung folks grow moat when in love. It increases their sighs wonderfully. Why is ft hall-door porter the greatest rascal in the universe!— Because he is continually letting people in. "What is that which, when thrown out, may be caught without hands !~A hint, Why cannot a medical man ever bo " wide awake!"— Because he's always dosing. .Getting better.—"Please turn your head a little," said a beautiful nurse to a male patient. " You have turned it already, madam," said he. " Ah, sir, I guess you will net die this time." Shooking.—Will the venerable gentleman in specs, who in mistake kissed Miss Angelina Spiftoe for his aunt, kindly forward his name and address, so that the. kiss may be returned to him. When a female friend asks your advice about a lover say that he is not worthy of her, and counsel her to reject him. She will vastly relish the compliment you pay her, and the lover may fall to your lot into the bargain. Irish wit.—An Irish girl at play on Sunday, being accosted by the priest, " Good morning, daughter of the Evil One," meekly replied, '•Good morning, father." Some men are like cats. You may stroke the fur the right way for years, and hear nothing but purring; but accidentlaly tread on the tail, and all memory of past favors is obliterated. A sailor who served on board the Romney, with Sir' Homo Popham, after returning home from India, finding that wigs were all in fashion, bespoke a red one, which he sported at Ports- . mouth, to the great surprise of his companions; On being asked the cause of the change of colour in his hair, he said it was occasioned by his bathimg in the Red Sea. A newly landed son of Erin was trying to scrape an acquaintance with, one of his countrymen. "And what's the name did ye say)" " Patrick Dwyer.', "Oh-1 know the Dwyers. Sure and yt're not the son of the two buld maids, Dwyers, of Navan Common, are ye I" " I have just had the exquisite pleasure," observed one Chinese father to another, "of beholding your pile-of-volumes sob, and your string-of-rubiea daughter."— "Nay,!', responds ; the other, with finite humility, " a dog of a son have I none, j though a bambooablo cat of a daughter I have." This is what the' Chinese call politeness. An "American paper contains the following advertisement:—All persons are hereby not only warned, but absolutely forbidden to give credit to me on any pretence whatever, as from this day forward I shall not pay any debts contracted by myself. —John Hewitt. " Mynheer, do you know what for we call our boy Hans?"—"l do not,' really."—"Well, I tell yeu. Der reason that we call our boy Hans is—it ish his name. . Marmalade.—Are yon partial to marmalade in. a morning, taken in conjunction with tea nicely sprinkled with steel filings, fresh (Thames) butter, impoverished milk, and sanded sugar ? If so, read the following extract from the Newark Advertiser, and resolve in future to limit yourself te the home-made article:—" A man of speculative mind lately issued an advertisement to marmalade manufacturers as follows:—" Having lately contracted, on advantageous terms, for the sweepings of several large theatres, I am in. it position to offer orange-peel at very reduced rates." We transcribe this for the edification of our marmalade-eating readers.— Punch, SrUTTBRIKQS FHOM " JUDT's" PEW. A fair pugilist need not be a striking beauty. It is said that tho springtime makes the sky lark soar. This must be painful to the poor skylark. What is the difference between your valet and your nurse?— One brushes your hat, and the other hushes your brat. A perfect cue-er.—Cook, the champion billiard player. Why is a novelist an unnatural phenomenon ? —Because his talo comes out of his head. A motto for Magistrates dealing with yonng beginners.—" A switch in time saves nine." The Church Herald is inf erined by a correspondent, who prides himself on the accuracy of hiR information, that "Mr Hartwell D. Griasell, of 8.N.0., Oxford, and Norbury Park, near Dorking, has been appointed CaambernwicJ to the Pope." The Holy Father is often depicted. >ta an old woman, but this is certainly the tint we have* h«ml of this official: