Varieties.

Cromwell Argus, Volume I, Issue 18, 16 March 1870, Page 7

Varieties.

A New View of Vestments.— Little innocent: "Oh, ma ! isn't he a rude man to preach in his night-gown and braces ?" Dead in one Day.—"Have you"seen B r lately ?" enquired a gentleman of a medical friend"What! don't you know?" was the reply.

"We were dining together a'day or two ago. The next day he fell ill. I attended him, and he died in the evening. Poor fellow !—I dissected him this morning." Politeness Carried to an Extreme. —An old French countess, of the most exquisite politeness, was about to breath her last, when she received a call from an acquaintance, who was ignorant

of hor mortal illness. The answer sent down from the chamber of the departing sufferer was memorably unique—" The Countes3 de Rouen sends her compliments to Madame de Calais, and begs to be excused, as she is engaged in dying."

Short hut Sweet.—How admirable, bow perfectly satisfactory, and how prompt was the eonduet of the Puritan who rode up to the door of the house where dwelt the girl of his choice, and having desired her to be called out to him, said, without circumlocution, " Raehael, the Lord hath sent me to marry thee !" 'I he answer of the girl—"The Lord's will be done !"—was given with equal promptitude and devotedness. A Sceptic Silenced.— A sceptical young collegian confronted an old Quaker with the statement that he did not believe in the Bible. The Quaker asked him if he believed in Prance, and hia answer was—" Yes ; though I have not seen

it, I have seen others who have—besides, there is plenty of proof that such a country exists." —''Then thee will not believe anything people have not seen?"—"No, to be sure I won't."—

Did thee ever see thine own brains ?"—■" No.' -" Dost thou believe thee has any ?"

Pleasures of an American Editor.—Editing a paper is a very pleasant business. If it contains too much political matter, people won't have If it contains too little, theyjlwon't have it. If the type is too small, they can't read it. If we publish telegraph reports, folks say they are nothing but lies. If we omit them, they say we have no enterprise, or that we suppress them for political effect. If we have in a few jokes, folks say we are nothing but a rattle-head. If we don't admit jokes, people say we are aji old fossil. If we publish original matter, they blame us for not giving selected articles. If we publish selections, folks say that we are lazy for not writing more, and giving them what they had not read in any other paper. If we give a public man complimentary notices, we are censured for being partial. If we do not, all hands say we ire an uncouth bear. If we insert an article ivhieh pleases the ladies, men become jealous. f we do not cater to their wishes, the paper is lot tit to have in their house. If we attend ihurch, they say it is only for effect. If we do tot, they denounce us as deceitful and terribly

wcked. If we remain in the office and attend o business, folks say we are too proud to mix vith our fellows. If we go out, they say we lever attend to business. If we do not pay our •ills promptly, people say wo are not to be rusted. If we do pay promptly, they say we fcolo the money (?). —American paper. Tlui BsnefiU of Advertising. When trade grew slack and notes fell due, bo merchant's face grew long and blue : his reams were troubled through the night, with tariffs' bailiffs all in sight. At last his wife nto him said, " Rise up at once, get out of bed, et your paper, ink, and pen, and say these ords unto men :—' My goods I wish to ou, and to your wife and daughters too ; ray rices are so very low, that each will buy before ley go.'" He did as hia good wife adviadd,>and the paper advertised. Crowds came and •light of all. ho had, his notes were paid, hji a earns were glad, and he will tell you to thJs 'fl/how well did printers' ink repay. He told i'tOT! «a knowing wink, how he was. saved by \iica»j .ink,—Nqw York paper.