Wit and Humour.

Cromwell Argus, Volume I, Issue 10, 12 January 1870, Page 7

Wit and Humour.

"Your puree, Tom," said tin indulgent father to a spendthrift son, " reminds me of a thunder cloud." "How so, fathorf" "Because it is always light'ning." A little girl in Pennsylvania was reproved for playing outdoors with boys, and informed that, being seven years old, she was " too big for that now." But, with all imaginable innocence, shereplied, " Why, the bigger we grow, the better we like 'em." A young fellow, wishing to turn sailor, dpplied to the captain of a vessel for a berth. The captain, wishing to intimidate the lad, handed ! him a piece of rope, and said, " If you want to make a good sailor, you must make three ends to that rope." " 1 can do that," responded the youngster ; " hero is one, and here is another—that makes two. Now, here's the third," and he threw it overboard. "Now then, Joseph, parse courting," said a teacher to a rather slow boy. ' ■ Oourtin' is an irregular activo transitive verb, indicative mood, present tense, third person, singular number* and so on," said Joseph. " Well, what does It agree with ?" demanded the teacher. '' It agrees with all the gala in town !" exclaimed Joseph, triumphantly. Artemus Ward once lent money. He thus ro. counts the transaction : —"A gent'enian friend of mine came to me one day with tears in his eyes. I said, ' Why these weeps ?' He said be had a mortgage on his farm, and wanted to borrow £2OO. I lent him the money, and he went away. Some time after, ho returned with more tear. He said he must leave mo for ever. I ventured to remind him of the £2OO he borrowed. He was much cut: I thought I would not be hard upon him—so I told him I would throw off £IOO. He then brightened, shook my hand, and said, ' Old friend, I won't allow you to outdo me hi liberality—l'll throw ofT the other hundred !'' When Handel visited the town of Haarlem he at once hunted up its famous organ, lie gained admittance, and was playing upon it with all his might, when the organist entered the building. The man stood awe-struck. He was a good player himself; but he had never heard such music beforo. " Who is there ?" he cried. "If it is not an angel, it must bo Handel himself I'' When he discovered that it was the great musician ho was still more mystiiied. " But how is this? you have done impossible things," said he, "no ten fingers on earth can play the passages you hive given ; human hands couldn't control all the keys and stops !"—" I know it," said Handel, coolly, "and for that reason I was forced to strike some notes with the end of my nose." A Yankee Editor's Early Experience.—Nover will we forget the time we met our sweet Kitty in tho centre of a vast wilderness of briars in the old Buckeye State. Her eyes wero as black as tho tarries in her basket, and as brilliant as those of the catbird, chattering over her head ; her lips were ruby red, and her cheeks lily white except a broad streak of purple fruit-stain reaching from ear to ear. Heavens ! didn't she look lovely ! Our own baskot was full, and wo volunteered our assistance to fill that carried by Kitty. Often while plucking the melting fruit from some glorious cluster, her curls—Kitty had curls, glossy and golden—brushed our cheeks, wo thought, very often ; but still it seemed, somehow, to be accidental. Somehow, too, w e were always at work upon the same clusters, and Kitty's lips were very close to ours when she turnrd to speak. At last Kitty's lips pouted, Kitty's eyes flashed, and she airaost succeeded in coaxing into her smooth white brow one or two indignant wrinkles. " Will you believe," she said "when 1 was out here alone—just as we are—with Ned Jones, the naughty fellow up and kissed me !" Wo didn't like Ned, and we were ready to say that he was naughty. "He just caught ino tins way, and"—here her lips almost touched oui-s, and we felt a violent thumping in the region of our heart, but she didn't quite do it, and the peril was soon over. We folt all over thit we wero on the verge of being just as naughty as Ned, but our bashfulness saved us. Still pouting, and, wc thought, worse than ever, she placed both bands on our shoulder, and turning her sweet young face towards ours, said, " You are a dear good boy I you ain't v»ing to be naughty, like Ned was?"' Heavens ! how our heart fluttered ! We seemed losing our breath ; and a moment after. Kitty was saying, " You are a very, very naughty fellow."