Wit and Humour.

Cromwell Argus, Volume I, Issue 7, 22 December 1869, Page 7

Wit and Humour.

When the wine goes round freely, the head generally follows the example. When is a man like a tea-ketti© just on the. boil ?—When he is going to sing. Why is a sick eagle flying like a bank robbery I —Because it's an ill eagle proceeding. As a leopard cannot help being spotted, i»it possible for him to conceal himself ? How does a butcher declare his affection ? By sending a tender line (tender loin). Waste of Money.—An Irishman recently soli* loquised—What a waste of money to be buyin* mate when you know the half of it is boa©,, while you oan spind it for rum that hasn't a ben*" in it ! "Where was Bishop Latimer burned to death ?" asked a teacher, in a commanding voice.— " Joshua knows," said a little girl at the bottom of the class.—" Well, if Joshua knows, ho may tell," said the teacher.—"ln the fire," replied Joshua, looking very grave and wise. -An amateur violinist-lately gave as much latitude in the choico of tunes as the proverbial Hobson used to give in horses. He remarked, as he rose with his bow, " Well, boys, I cannot play but one tune ; now, whieh'll you hov!" Which they all thought they would. We saw a cowardly fellow, elaborately got up as a "gent," vicieusly kicking a newsboy tho other day for pestering him to buy an evening paper. The lad's. revenge was ingenious and complete. He waited till another boy accosted " the gent," and then shouted in the hearing of all the bystanders, " It'a no use to try him, Jim; he can't read." Curran being at a party at tho scat of.an Irish nobleman, one of tho company who was'.a physic cian strolled out before dinner into tho churchyard. Dinner being served up, and the doctor not returned, soma of the company were expressing their surprise where he caukl.be gone- to.~ " Oh," said Curran, " he-has just stepped out to

pay a visit to some old patients." Sir John Burgoyhe, though" now eighty-six, wields a vigorous and graceful pen, and" throws off copies of playful effusions both in' prose and verse. The following tells its own tale : " You wish mo a happy- new year as a totst, And a kindly good act it appears ; But when you perceive I'm as dsaias a post, You should wish me two happy new cars .'" A' surgeon writes :—Our four-year old has been luxuriating in the measles,, and has heard our conjectures as to the probability of their attacking his' younger "brother: The other day, probably remembering.the usual course, of his out-grown clothing, he-said,'patronisingly, " George, you may have the measles when I have dor* with them." Strange to say, George did not seem to appreciate the gift. A gentleman's diary of his wife's temper : Monday.—A thick fog ;no seeing through it. Tuesday.—Gloomy, and very chilly ; unseasonable weather. Wednesday.—Frosty, at timea ' sharp. Thursday.—Bitter cold in the morning j \ red SHnset, with flying clouds, portending hard ' weather. .Friday.—Storm in the morning, with peals of thunder ; air clear afterwards. Satur- ' day.—Gleams of sunshine ; with partial thaw ; frost again at night. Sunday. —A slight southwester in the morning ; calm. and pleasant at dinner-time; hurricane and earthquake at night. 1 ' An individual, possessing unmistakeable ev' • ' dence of African origin, was arraigned for larceny. The judge, as of right, was dignified, but said, with severe presence, " Are you guilty or > not ?"—" Sar ?' 1 —" Did you steal these clothes?"' "ho repeated.—!' Golly, bpss, ,'clare nevar done 1 it."—" This man says you did."- |' He ain't no. '• thin'but white trash."—"Ahil'what are you '" s ; *-"Me ! Why, don't you know me? lridwid f you in tho pcrcession. I helped to lead you 5- home when yer got 'tired' that night. Don'l; a yer 'member me now?" There was the sudden. Jest nOl. pros, in that darkey's case that judicinl > annals afford on example of. Po much for ihf> . sdvjintagM of good aocief ri