THE CHANGING SCENE.

Press, Volume L, Issue 14889, 31 January 1914, Page 12

THE CHANGING SCENE.

—-■ _.— — (By M.C.X.) Professor Lowell has discovered that tho planet Mars has twelve minutes' less daylight (per day) than was previously supposed, and he puts it down to an error in the accepted calculations of its time of rotation. Ouf own opinion is that the wholo thing is due to a misguided attempt by the Mars Labour Party to get shorter hours by sheer force. The Rev. C. E. Doudney, formerly of South Australia, in a stirring sermon en the text ••Righ_ou6Qe_3 exalteth a nation," emp__sised the fact that Australia was tho only instance of a nation founded without bloodshed. He hoped that Australia would lead in civilising and Christianising the bad old world.—Cable item. Terrestrial Globe rolled into tho box with a genial smile and beamed upon the Court. Then he leaned comfortably on the rail, giving his equator a slight hitch, in a way which suggested (what was indeed true) that ho had often been in the box before. "V'our name?' said the Judge, his Honour Mr Justice Race ("Sceptical old 'Hume' " they called him, from his Christian name—his full name, of course, being Human Raco). "Terrestrial Globe," answered the accused; "just the same old Terry, your Honour, that you havo known since—bless my soul, do you know sinco when? Your Honour, will you tell mc who is the prosecutor this time? The summons says Australia v Globe. Oh, I>oudney? Very well, Doudney and Australia, go ahead!" As he settled his* equator once more on tho rail his eyo caught that of the Court orderly, P.C. Decorum. "Decorum, same!" he said; "you're still a-going of it and all that, what? You were about to say—" "Order in the Court," said the orderly. "I thought so," said the accused. Mr Doudney then explained the accused's offences. These were aggravated, ho urged, by the age of the accused, who was old enough to know better. To begin with, accused was much given to fighting, and it was proper, that a prohibition order should be taken out against him. Instead of growing better, and paying heed to the civilising influences about him, he grew steadily worse "Your Honour," said the accused. "I was tried on this charge in 753 8.C., in 500 A.D., 1000 A.D., 1500 A.D., 1900 A.D., and I have been tried daily since tho last-named date. I plead guilty. I am set in my ways and always plead guilty. Saves time." Mr Doudney continued. 'The accused drinks beer," he said, "dances tho tango, goes on strike, indulges in frequent earthquakes, refuses to lead the higher life, ignores those admirable anti-beer, anti-vaccination, antidancing, anti-defence, anti-theatre, anti\>;ithihg, anti-reform, and other anti-*3aguc-s which we have discovered —late in the day, perhaps, but it's never too late to end—for the purpose of reclaiming this abandoned old creature." Mr Doudney went on to say that it was clear that the accused was rushing to ruin. (At this point accused smiled widely, and said, "An old habit of mine.", The orderly cried "Silence in the Court!" and the accused softly murmured, "That's an old habit of .yours too. Decorum, my lad! ) Something. Mr Doudney proceeded, must be done. Australia would lead in the work of reclaiming him. ''•■'_ The accused was severely cautioned and ordered to come up for sentence when called upon. He then smiled genially once more, and rolled out of the box. Professor Tavlor, of Pennsylvania University, maintains that women require to eat more than they did twenty years ago in order to keep the body shapely and to fill the place of clothing previously worn, while also requiring more heat because the clothes are thinner.—Cable item. The flowing skirt, with thick desooua, tho amnio chin-high" bodice Encased the girl of ..'92,, tho late-Victorian goddess. «. Small w«a the dainty appetite of thcee thick- . ehrouded misEes; They literally throve all right on' broad-and- . cheese and ki_ee. How much' wae'girl, how much was clothes, • we didn't care a tittle; Although wo wondered, I suppose, that ehe should eat so little. She nibbled, swathed from chin to toe, like any Polo-discoverer — Thc household bills kept down, hut oh! the • sum it coet to cover her. . To-day the dear has changed her plan, she's — turned it topsy-turvy: The nervous late-Victorian is Georgian now, and nervy. . . The late-Victorian amplitude that used to' mark her frocking She now appHcs to drink and food; her ap- '. petite is shocking. The late-Victorian abstinence, she now applies to clothing, And keeps a balanoe, in a cense, by wealing noxt to nothing. . j The moralist may brood upon her hearty zeal at dinner, And mourn the better day that's gone, when girls, not clothe . were thinner. For mc I like not ab_t.'_enoe in clothes, but that don't movo mc; I find in this a recompense: there's more of her to lovo mc. "Tho twelve best roses?" said the j man with the disputable collar. "They ain't any roses, not since the Tories came into office*' When I say roses, I mean roses as are roses—them kind we had when Sir Joseph Ward was in. The Tory paper only wants to delude its pore readers into -thinking idle thoughts. It's a red-herrin', that's j what. But Liberalism ain't goin' to be side-tracked, and when Sir Joseph—" j "No," said the man with the shifty I eye. "I've 6eeu the roses all right iii the plutocratic gardens stole from the worker by the wage-system. No, this j paper believes honestly that roses is irorth growin' and discussin'—a hide- j bound sorter mind these Mammonistic orgins got. Thinkin' of roses just because it doesn't realise the great problems of labour solidarity," just because it is barbarous and .outer-date.' Roses' Makes mo wild, sometimes, this about roses and poitry and art and them things. Mc and my kind, bein' class-conscious, know that life is real, earnest, and awful. Life, and toil, the curso of life, is what intelligent people thinks about." "Why not roses?" said the man with the untidy hair and the red tie. 'Under Socialism, grand and glorious, roses will bloom everywhere. There will be roses for all, in the new age to which we are striving, and every- I thing else for all. We shall all be air- i tists, we shall sing at our labour of the dazzling sweetness of the Socialistic State. The roses will bloom—" , "Ten o'clock, gents!" said a harsh voice. And ten o'clock it was. A newspaper correspondent has collected some statistics concerning the loquacity of our legislators. "Hansard" for last session, it seems, runs into 5664 pages, or nearly 6,000,000 words. Properly to understand these figures, one should reflect upon the following facte, all of which are based upon the calculations of the universal export who gives his services exclusively to this column. (1) Compressed under steam preesma the,,

5664 pages would m__ a brick which could be thrown 60 feet, or approximately 720 inches, from the end of Brighton pier amidst loud applause. (2) Tlie republication of Hansard in full would destroy the circulation of 975,003 newspapers, and thus bring happiness to 975,002,000,000 hemes. (3) If all the grammatical sentences uttered during tbe session by the Leader of the Opposition were printed on god one-eighth of an inch' thick, tho amount of gold required would be worth JEO 03 Od. (4) If we could harness the heat expended by tbe member for Awn during the session, it would melt the Fran* Josef glacier. (a) If wo could etore up the light in the same member's speeches it would, amount to the light of one candle burning for 3 seconds. The intelligent foreigner sends the following letter, accompanied hy a clipping, taken from this week's cable news, in which reference is made to tho fact that "Europe is being startled by sensational rumours concerning the Kaiser's health, the Pope's illness the Austrian Emperor's death, a volution in Spain, nnd Sweden's fear that Russia meditates an attack upon her":— Mister—Are these not news of the most frightening? Name of a name, but yes! But, my old, thy Hippolvto is not afraid, not of all—this which convince mc I am become Xew Zealander of the first class. I have read tliose news to the waiter in this hotel. Gosh it all," he say, "they are blokes very funny, these Europeans. Bloke sensible not bore himself whether tho Kaiser suffer with illness in the teeth. Conspue Spain!" My old, this waiter is without soul, and so am 1, thy Hinpolyte. The event local import infinitely moro than the happenings European. Europe has not much to do when it is alarmed by these rumours there. This which alarm mc is the case of Sir Bart, and the quarrellings of the cricketers, and the weather too hot, and the cook at this hotel. But I remain calm. As say the waiter, the European is a bloke of the most funny. I, my old. am a New Zealander complete.—Thine really, Hippolyto.