KING JO-JO AND KING DICK.

Press, Volume LIX, Issue 11490, 24 January 1903, Page 7

KING JO-JO AND KING DICK.

The Christmas number of London "Trutb" is, as usual, wholly in rhyme. On this occasion it consists of "King Jo-JVs "Diary."' King Jo-Jo, otherwise the "Dusky One," is the monarch of Djinn-Sling Land, and in his diary he gives an account of his varied experiences while in England as a guest of the King at the Coronation. One portion, entitled "Jo-Jo Tackles the Jobberwock,'' is of some local interest in New Zealand, and we give below a number or the most amusing passages: —

Scene I.—The Private Sitting Room, at the Hotel Cecil, of the Right Honourable Richard Seddon, P.C., CD., P.0.N.-Z., etc., etc. Ac the scene opens Mr Seddon is observed seated in armchair. His Secretary is writing at an escritoire, and Two Sentries (privates of the famous Corps of BairnaRaima Buck-Jumper* in full marching order) stand on either side of the doorway. Mr Seddon (taking letter from Secretary):, Don't write my name! I'll sign it. (Does so.) There! that's better! Now tell me, Tompkins, what is in the letter. Secretary: It merely askß King Jo-Jo to arrange When you may call on him to interchange Your mutual views on many urgent questions And lay before him valuable suggestions. Mi-. S: You do not mention who I am? Secret ary: Oh, no! Of course King Jo-Jo knows your name. Mr S.: Just so! If he to ignorance of me should own. He thus would argue he himself's unknown. Secretary: Precisely, sir J Mr S.:

You- know Uhe right address. Despatch the note! Secretary (writing on the envelope): I'll send it by "Express." Mr S.: "Express?" No, Tompkins!, Let a trooper take it 1 That will a little more important make it. Secretary (pointing to Sentries at the door): Could one of these be spared, sir? Mr S. (angrily): No, sir! No! Upon my word, a pretty one-horse show You'd like to make of me—and, by the way, There's something specially I want to say. (To the guardg at door) Hi, there! you sentries! (They "hi."J What is that you do When I approach? First Sentry: We hold our rifles so. (They "so" hold them.) That's'what we cal*> presenting arms, sir! Mr S.:

Oh-h-h! That is presenting arms? First iSentry: Ay, that's the touch of it. Mr S.:

Then let me tell you that I don't think much of it. Look here, now! Couldn't you, my gallant ooya, Just make a little more fuss and noise? Couldn't you, every time I pass the door, Bring down your rifles bang upon the floor— Just, make them rattle, so that folks may know That "Honest Dick" is passing to and fro? Please fell your sergeant what I've said about it. First Sentry: Right, Richard! We will tell him. don't you doubt it. ■Mr S. t ** r You chaps are here at great expense, you see, x And you could do a real good turn for me. People get on in miscellaneous ways, But take my tip, lads, bounce it is that pays. So dont forget 1 First Sentry:

Make your mind easy, sonny. You shall have honest value for your money. ' How will this, suit you? (They go through an exaggerated sort of Royal salute, and, after a series if demonstrative evolutions, bring the buitite of th#lr rifles smartly down on the floor with a portentous bang and rattle.) Mr S.: That's Al, my boys! Do it once more. (They do it.) Good! - that's a splendid nojse! First Sentry: Aye, aye! I'll warrant you we'll keep things humming. We'll let 'em know when "Old Man Dick" is coining. Mr S.:

True-hearted comrades! Let the cynic sneer: I'm not ashamed to wipe the grateful tear. \*ia wipes it.) First Sentry: Richard, we're proud o' you! Buck up, old man! Depend on us to help you all we can. WeH- get iihe- mew salute all right, don't fear; And if that doesn't wake 'em up— look here! When there are swells about op special days, And you are keen to get the people's gaze, Tip us the wink, or nbd your head, or cough, 1 And—dash it, Dick I—we'll fire our rifles off!" Mr S.: Not a bad notion. I will think of "(. •Now for the Council which at twelve will sit. (He "now*" for the Council as the scene close..)

Scene 2.—King Jo-Jo's Reception Room at the Up-to-uate Hotel. The Dusky One discovered discussing a letter with Turn-Turn, his Wa-aeer. King Jo-Jo: To what some bold men are led on. I'd heard before of this assuming Seddon.

His btrmptions self-conceit is past all bearing, But he shall suffer soundly for his daring. Tnm-Tamv my friend, your aid in this I beg, We'll take this burly giant down a peg. Write, if yon please, to him from my dictation. Turn-Turn: Gladly Til help, Sira, at your instigation. King Jo-Jo (dictating): In answer to your recent note, King Jo-Jo begs to state he is too occupied to give the audience you await. To well-known people he's prepared on interview to grant, but to mere curious strangers he is simply adamant. StatesMen, commercial magnates, iniilioa- • aires, Tece'ved would be, but mere nonentities he won't, on any pretext, see. Should you a situation seek, King Jo-Jo would suggest that to his Private Typist your request should be addressed. Jim-Jam, the Keeper of hb Purse, sees, at the King's desire, to hiring all such servants as he may at times require. So if it is a place you want, attend at the Hotel not later, please, than 9 a.m. and ring the tradesmen's bell. There, that, I think, will amply serve its aad,

And .imply petrify oar pnchfnl friend. Tuni-Tuni: Shall I transmit it to the Cecil? King Jo-Jo: No! To Downing street, my 'Turn-Tarn, H shall go! *~ This Mr Seddon must be then just now. les, yes! 'Twill be a splendid joke, I vow, To send it to him while th* Oouftci 1 site. If I mistake nob. it will giv* Me* fita, He'll have his feUow-PremiefC round him there. And Mr Joseph wHI be in the chair. I only wish, my l"urn-Turn, I could be Upon the spot, the bomb-abells fall to see. Turn-Turn: Your Majesty's a pretty wit— oh,, yest King Jo-Jo: A sense of humour I, at least possess ; And it will give me keen delight to tread on The massive foot of this robustious Seddon, Who. I remember, in hi* blustering tones. Once spoke of me—yes, me!—as "Brudder Banen!" He little thinks I overheard him sat "v Turn-Turn (sealing up the letter): The uomh-shelie ready! King Jo-Jo: Good ! Let Das convey it! (Scene closes as Chuadra Dots starts for the Colonial Office with King JoJo's missive.)

Scene 3 is laid in the Conference room at the Colonial Office, the Colonial Premier.* sitting round a table, and Mr Chamberlain occupying a, throne on a dais. The proceedings are interrupted by the arrival ol a letter—King Jo-Jo's— for Mr Seddon., who has no sooner read it than he "turns ghastly pa'.e, starts to his feet, staggers, clutches his chair-back, and with a suppressed moan falls on the floor in a deaa faint, the letter Uoating from his hand to the ground.''

The Colonial Premiers gather round tin prostrate form of their New colleague. Sir Wilfrid Laurier fans his face with an official Sheet Almanack. Sir Geoigo Turner puts a pile of BlueBooks under his head and than sprinkles his face with water fr<.m tho official decanter. The Agent-General for Natal strikes a mntch and puts a burning quill pen or two to his nostrils ; whilst tue Shorthand Writer. with a view to possible eventualities, snaps the prostrate Premier with his Kodak. Mr Seddon is carried out of the room by his messengers, followed by his Australasian colleagues. During their absence Mr Chamberlain reads King Jo-Jo's letter, "and, acutely appreciating its meaning, finds it hard to suppress a chuckle. Mis amusement excites the indignation of the Premiers as they return, and they ask what tidings the letter contained. "Say, liave the Maoris a revolt devised 1 Have more Pink Terraces been pulverised 1 Is frozen mutton down again?" Mr Chamberlain remarking that "The chances ore we soon shall hear anon, Twos want of luncheon brought th* faintness on,"

announces in a loud voice that he will read the letter to them. Thereupon Mr Seddon, dripping wet—comeone has revived him bj throwing a bucket of water over hiss ano generally dishevelled, rushes in aii<}ota*m» the letter as private. Mr Chamberlain hands it to him, the session is adjonxocu* and Mr Seddon departs, in a "growier" far his hotel.

Scene 4.—Mr Seddon's Private Boom at tho Cecil. The Two sentries dascorered at the door. To them enter the drippiaf •Premier of New Zealand. First Sentry: . . „.' [ Hullo! Here's our Old Mem! Look lively, chum! I say, though, what's amiss? He dew look glum. . No matter! 'Taint for us, of cottsae, to jeer him; Now for a good salute; it p'rhaps may cheer him. They present arms in the most demonstrative and effusive manner, finishing up with the noisy grounding of their rifle* and a prolonged rattle. First Sentry: Well, this is very odd. He take* nt notice. And lookl he'e dripping. Second Sentry:

What a funny go 'tis! Tisn't like Dick our efforts to disdain. First Sentry: I tell you what, chum! Let's sent" again! They do so, even more demonstratively and noisily than before, and this time Mr Seddon looks round angrily. First Sentry: There, Richard, wasn't that a proper one? We've hod some practice—see? Mr Seddon (testily): Have done! Have dons 1 What is the use of foolery like that? (To First Sentry); Why don't you get a towel? (To Second Sentry): Take my hat! Where is that Tompkins? (Presses electnic-bell button.) Where is all my suit*? Is this the way New Zealand's Boss to treat? (Enter Tompkins, hurriedly followed by a number of other perturbed members of Mr Seddon's Household.) Tompkins: Good gracioua, Mr Seddon, sir, you-« wet! Mr Seddon: Where is that towel the sentry went to get?

(Enter the Sentry. He proceed* to rub "Honest Richard" down.) Enough of thai I Tompkins: Can't I do anything? Mr Seddon: I've been insulted by That dusky King' Are all my people present? T Tompkins: Mr Seddon: Then all shall hear the shameful thing he's done.

He describes at some lengfb what happened at the Colonial Office,. on account or" which has already been given. At the close of his narrativo he exclaims: There! that's the treatment I have had to bear! How ought I now to deal with the affair?

"Tompkins" suggests that Mr Seddon »H1 demand his ticket, and go straight Home, a course of action which Mr Seddon scouts. " 'Jee swee! Jee rest!' If anyone goes I would suggest they send away the Hack." Other individuals, McMungo and th* O/lfolfigon, advise Mr Seddon to bring the ff»f4tr before the House and the King, to writs to "The Times," to "call th* ducky blag. gard out." Finally Tompkins suggests that Mr Chamberlain should take up tike affair. "Honest Dick" Jumps at th* idea* and is left writing a vaErmrinoas letter to thsCkkboial Secretary as tho soens rdosss. Soene 6 discloses a meeting of ttss Cabinet, at which Mr Chamberlain ajuwnmosa that "A most momentous case awaits jftifflriftn, King Jo-Jo, as yon know, with matted derision, Has that portentous bore Dick Seddon treated, And now the latter has, in tones most heated, % Called upon me to lay the oasa before yon.* He proceeds to read the letter, "three whole foolscap pages/- and the Cabinet iWwfra leave the matter in his hands, ""nf?d<s>t that in soma way he wiU " 'save the face' of th* blustering fjeddon."

In Scene 6 Mr Chamberlain relates to Mr Balfour how he managed the affair, as follows:—

Mr Joseph: I only learned the end of it to-day. Weß." first of all, the next time I saw "Dick" I had the butter on a little thick— Told him how I lamented, for his sake, That Jo-Jo'd made so silly a mistake. "That he should not have known your name," said L "Was inexcusable I don't deny. Still, as he could, of course, they hail no animus, I hope, sir, you will show yourself magnanimous." "Tell me," he answered, "how it's vo oe done"; And then I knew mv victory was won. "Jo-Jo,' said I, "by what he wrote to

Proved that he nothing of your history knew. Then be it yours this ignorance to dissipate—• Let him in what the Empire knows participate; Tell ham about your wonderful career As squatter, labour Member, engineer; Describe your feats in commerce and finance; Let him at you in all your phases glance, As banker, sailor, soldier, politician, Law-maker, miner, courtier, rhetorician !" Well, not to weary you, before he went I'd smoothed him down, and he was quite content. "Don't call on Jo-Jo!" I advised him, "he

Too great a compliment in that might see.

But; send your Memoirs, as I've said before, And let him over your strange history pore." He thought my plans os good as good could be; And adding, he at once would start his staff Upon a comprehensive monograph 8 . "Make it quite full!' said I. He vowed he would. As copious and exhaustive as he could. Mr Balfour:

Ye,?, that you may be certain it will be: All who know Seddon will in that agree. Mr Joseph:

And they'd he right. Two days later Mr Chamberlain received the manuscript, "a monster package." Mr Seddon, desiring to know how it was to be sent to King Jo-Jo, Mr Chamberlain suggested the Parcel Post, at which he almost screamed, "Rather than that," he cried, "if all else fails Myself I'll take them to the Prince of Wales (Who saw a lot of me in other lands), That he may place them in King Jo-Jo's hands." "Leave it to me," replied Mr Chamberlain, and Mr Seddon at last consented to do so, "At last I sent him off serene, Thinking, perhaps the Prince might intervene, And would, in that case, read the memoirs through Before ho passed them further. • • • • • Well, when I got the parcel from our friend, I wrote upon it, 'From poor Mr Seddon, Whose toes it pleased you recently to tread

on. Regretting that of him you nothing knew, He forwards his biography to you; Nor need a King so notably discreet Be told how he the manuscript should

treat." Subsequently Mo Chamberlain met Turn King Jo-Jo's vizier, who told him how that dusky monarch had received the manuscript.

"Put it away at once," the King directed, With al the curious things I have collected. And possibly, when I am ennui's prey, To gCance at it may me amuse some day. At all events, the sight of it will tend To bring to mind again our burly friend, Who will not tell the truth untess he owns That he has proved no match for 'Brudder Bones.'" s

Mr Balfour heartily agrees with this. Mr Joseph—Well, yes, he's given Dick a nasty knock. Mr Balfour—Ay, morally, HE'S SLAIN "THE JABBERWOCK"!