ENGLISH HUMOUR

Bay of Plenty Beacon, Volume 11, Issue 30, 19 May 1947, Page 4

ENGLISH HUMOUR

DEFINITIONS; JOKES; HOWLERS Despite food shortages, floods and the cramping controls of Government restrictions, England can still smile, witness the following received in a recent mail from the Qld Country:— Definitions Cauliflower: A cabbage with a college education. Co-ordinator: One who organises chaos out of regimented confusion. Vision: What people think you have when you guess right. . Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to people better than you are. Punctuality: Art of guessing ho.w late the other fellow will be. Chivalry: A man’s instinct to 'defend a woman against every man except himself. After a Quarrel He: Who’s boss in this house anyhow? She: You’d be happier if you didn’t try to find out. He Knew A little boy had been drawing and his mother asked him whose face it was. Child: It is a picture of God. Mother: But no one knows what God looks like. ‘ / Child: Well, they do now. Kismet Bridget came from Ireland and retained her accent. Dusting the drawing room with her mistress Bridget saw an Arab statuette on which was engraved the one word Kismet.

“And indade ma’am,” asked Bridget, “what does Kismet mane?”

“Kismet, Bridget, means fate,” was the reply. Next evening Bridget went for a stroll with Sergeant Murphy, her sweetheart. Though he strode forward with police solidarity, she hobbled along in obvious pain. ‘What’s the matter, Bridget darlin’ ” he enquired.-solicitously. “I can hardly walk at all, at all” she told him. “I’ve snph awful corns on my kismet.” Shaw’s Reply Some years ago Bernard Shaw invited a lady of uncertain age to dance with him. She was overwhelmed with the honour and as they waltzed coyly remarked: “I wonder whatever induced you to dance with poor little me.” “Well, it’s a Charity Ball, isn’t it?” was the typical Shavian rejoinder.

Definitions Quick Communication: Telegraph, Tele-phone, Tell-a-woman. Secret: What a woman tells everybody after warning them noUto tell anybody. / * Good coffee should be as sweet as love, as black as the devil and as hot as hell. . '' Take anything and everything seriously except yourselves. Even a tombstone speaks well of a man when he is down. i '• Howlers A republic is a place where no one can do anything in private. The kodak is the Bible of the Mohammedans. The Pilgrim Fathers left the Dutch on account of their language. In Pittsburg they manufacture iron and steal. The parts of speech are lungs and air. Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence. The plains of Siberia are roamed over by the lynx and larnyx. Saint Andrew is the patent saint of Scotland. The patent saint of England is the Union Jack and the patent saint of Ireland is Blarney.