LETTER TO HITLER

Bay of Plenty Beacon, Volume 3, Issue 258, 15 January 1941, Page 3

LETTER TO HITLER

AMUSING AND PUNGENT AMERICAN ELECTION OPINION OF U.S.A., DICTATORS An open letter to Adolf Hitler, addressed to Bomb Shelter,, No. 1, Berlin, is an amusing and pungent specialty featured in a section of the United' States press, following the Presidential Election. It reads: Dear Adolf, —Some people over here said as how you were interested in the election we had last week. I hope you learned something. Just in case Dr. Goebbcls turned the radio off, I would love to inform you what happened in this decadent democracy. You think" Germany is pretty hot stuff beeausei it has a dictator. Well, Adoli. by that standard Germany is a preity small fraction of the real McCoy, beciuise we have 50,000,000 dictators. Maybe they didn't all dictate the same thing in terms ol personal choice, but you can bet your whisk ers (also fractional I see by your pictures) that they all dictated to one effect, and that is democracy with hair on its chest and its sleeves rolled up. Some people heard that you were interested in seeing Mr Roosevelt re-elected, and others thought that you preferred Mr Wilkic. Offhand, I would say it's none of your dadgummed business Avhom Ave elected. Send a Gestapo Boy. Howsomevcr, if your interest aa*as. only academic,, I avill try to give you an idea of Avhat it is to live ;i,n a country Avhere a dictator has 49,999,999 colleagues, all of equal poAver. It is a lot of fun. I don't knoAV lioav to explain the Avord "fun" to you. But maybe you can send one of the Gestapo boys out to listen to some GrossA-ater muse out loud on Avhat he used to have in Germany . . . particularly in Munich!., back in the days when the Loewenbrau and the Avaltz music Avas something they carved toys out of instead of making into ersatz clothing', food and genuine-enough coffins. Well, there Avas President Roosevelt, and noAv there still is President and it looks like there Avill be a President Roosca'cU for some time to come. And there. Avas a Wendell L. Wilkie.. There still is a Wendell L. Wilkie, too. He lost. If that had happened in a one-man dictatorship there Avouldn"t be any more Wendell L. Wilkie, if you get Avhat J mean. Roosevelt said that his Avay of helping the British and helping industry and farmers and the unemployed Avas the best Avay. Wilkie said he could do it better. So there avis Roosevelt, commander of the army and the navy,, but those Avho thought "Wilkie Avould look better in that jib didn't hold their meetings ir. cellars or communicate by sign and Avhispers. They r'ared back on their heels and yelled their opinions right out loud. Interesting, isn't it? After a right' smart amount of this arguing and hollering, in Tyliich both Mr Roosevelt and Mr Wilkie learned a lot about themselves, the 50,000, 000 dictators lined up last Tuesday and said their final say Avith ballots. I said Ballots, Adolf. 1 know how to spell. When all the Alters Avere counted, the Roosevelters had more than the Wilkieites. So, Avhat happened next? Did the Avinners say to the losers: "Aha,, yon tried to get rid of the President, didn't you? "Your revolution didn't come off, hah? Well, the only reason you Avont be getting your mail at a concentration camp is because no mail is delivered there!" No. Adolf. They ssaid? "Well, I' guess I Avin lavo bucks from you" No Prussia Acid. And did the losers take it on the lam oA'er the border Avhen the radio announced the Avinner? None. They said io their enemies: "Okav here's your two bucks, but you better spend it quickly because it may not be Avorth two cents the Avay your candidate, is going to ru.i this country." So the winners took the losers around the corner to Joe's place and spent their respective tAVO bucks on rye Avith a little beer on the side. They didn't slip a'?y pnr-sic acid in the other guyV drink '!'! -•! d ir : nln-s'iii \ A

"Of course, American dictators don't have fancy uniforms." You are wrong there, Adolf. You ought to see our Shrincrs and Knights of Columbus and Knights of Fpthias, not to mention the American Le-

gion. Why, the averag* American dictator has uniforms in his closet to make Goering's look like patched denim overalls.

"Dictators in your country can't make "war, then." I hear you sayj. O ho,, Adolf! Just you try your style ol'd ietating on one of our citizens on one fifty-millionth part of our dictatorship and sec Avhat happens. None of the other 49, 999,99!) is g : G(ing to ask if the victim was for Wilkie, or Roosevelt, or Norman Thomas. No, the next thing you'd know would be to find the whole lot of them climbing your frame. I am glad to have learned that you had an interest in our little revolution of last Tuesday, even though tlu v information reached me second-hand and maybe a bit garbled. I can assure you that we over here are sort of interested in seeing a revolution in your country, too. Tt probably v.-i! 1 differ from our kind when it happens. In the United States, after a contest over the Government, we bury the hatchet, not the defeated candidate. The. guy who lost sends the winner a wire, instead of being put behind it. I also hear that you have some intentions of coming over here, one of these days. I. suggest ff you do that you come alone and wear a long red beard. You had better take that bandage off your arm. too. the one with the pinwheel on it. Don't try to come over with any of your jolly little pals,, because the kind of welcome you'll get will be more than warm. It will be hot. Because there is another pecularity about America's 50,000,000 dictators that T forgot to mention. They simply will no ( be dictated to. And. Adolf, 50*000,000 dictators can't be wrong, even if one half of 'em thinks the other half is. Yours sincerely—and how! SAM.