JOKES FROM SCOTLAND.

Auckland Star, Volume LIX, Issue 237, 6 October 1928, Page 16 (Supplement)

JOKES FROM SCOTLAND.

"SAFE AT HOME." •WHEN THE PLATE WENT BOUND. THE" ..- ABEEDONIAN'S MATCHBOX. The Scot is always ready to tell a joke against himself. Here are a few of them, told by a man from "ayont the Tweed," who does not mind having a tilt at the canuiness of his race. The Canny Scot. . The collection ofanecdotcs and stories begins •with a few illustrations of what, is meant by a "canny" Scot. "The word 'canny' is a Scots word combining' caution and shrewdness but not altogether explained by those terms. It is, in fact, liko many Scots words, untranslatable into English speech. 'Tasto and try before you buy' is an English proverb which embodies caution in dealing, but has not that 'cannyquality which we find embodied in the story of the Scot who asked, a bald? headed chemist if he could guarantee a hair restorer he was advertising to be capable of producing a growth* of hair. 'Oh, certainly,' l replied the chemist, it is guaranteed to grow hair in twenty-four hours.' ''Ah weel,•then/ replied the Scot,-; 'just put a little on yer ain head and I'll look back the morn to see if it works.' That is the typical Scot. You'se'e at once where he shines. He does not even spend | a penny in samples before he makes a j purchase. The canny Scot leaves nothing to chance. There he differs from his (southern neighbour. Which reminds me of the question, a Scots boy asked his father! 'Faither,'. he said, 'what's the difference between Scotsmen and Englishmen V 'i ' ' ' "'Weel, laddie,' replied he, 'I eanna juist say, but they hav'na been the same since Bannockburn I"' The Catch. This canniness is again evident in the story about a match advertisement:— "A certain firm of, match manufacturers adopted a novel idea by way of advertising: They sent a man out with authority, to hand over a guinea to any person he came across who'produced, a box of their matches. When he came to Aberdeen lie entered the smokeroom of a popular restaurant, and going up to a stranger said:— "'Could you oblige me with a match?' "'Tho Aberdonian replied, 'Certainly,' handing oven his box, which happened to be the make required. ".'Thank you very much,' he said, 1 see you use our matches. My firm authorises me to hand over a guinea to every man I meet who produces one of their boxes —so there's your guinea.' He then turned to leave, when the Aberdonian stopped him with tho remark: 'Hey! Stop there—l thocht there was a catch in it ■ — you're awa' wi' 'my matches.'" . Pawky ! Yet another example is forthcomingiin connection with the Scot's reputed care for his money:— "Salvation' Army girl (to. old Aberdonian) : 'Will you give a shilling for the Lord V ' ■ . " 'Hoo aiild are ye, lassie !' " 'Eighteen .'past.' '"Ah -weel, I'm seeventy-five. I'll be se'ein' Him afore you, so I'll hand it to Him mysel'.'" Safe From Church. Allan junior gives an excellent example of tho much exploited Scottish reputation for parsimony in the riddle, "What's the difference between an Aberdonian and a coconut ?"—"You can get a drink out of a coconut." There are many other'delightful stories on this theme:— , • . "Mrs. Gordon (to husband who is 'Listening in' on_ Sabbath evening): 'Tammas, Tammns, ye mauna laugh like that on the Sabbath day.' : "Tammas: 'Laugh wumman! The minister has just announced the collection, an' here I am, safe at liaine!'" He Needna Worry! Coupled with his love of drink, this caro of tho Scot for his purse has proved an excellent peg to hang many a joke upon, but rarely does one come across so excellent a story, combining so many of tho Scottish /characteristics, as is related about an Aberdonian and wellineaning priest:—•• ':■ ■;

"There is a proverb to the effect thai there are iione so blind as those who will not see. This blindness sometimes comes in very useful, as instance tho case of Willie JlcGregor.

"Willie was travelling to Glasgow, and on the way he felt thirsty, bo he took out his bottle and drew the cork. Just as he was about to take a taste a. fellow passenger in clerical garb addressed him: 'Excuse me,''sir, but I am sixty-five years of age and I have never tasted a drop of whisky!' 'Dinna worry yersel',' replied Willie, 'ycr no , gaun to start noo!'" No- Trouble. The Scot and. his wife is another wellknown subject for humour, bud- few jokes exceed in wittiness the story of the. offer a'certain Scot made to his daughter:^ " 'Marriage,' as the old elder said to his daughter, 'is a solemn thing.' The grieve at Broom Knowes may have thought so, too, but he was, nevertheless, very pleased with himself when the farmer's son asked his daughter's hand in marriage. After the young chap had gone the grieve had a talk with Jeannie. 'Jeaunie, lassie, , he said, 'I've just had a veesit o' Tammie and I've consented to your marriage.' 'Oh, but faither,' she blurted out, 'I dinna want to leave my mither.' 'Hoots, lassie,' replied her father, 'dinna let that trouble ye —ye can tak herwi , ye! , ." . Too Generous. Another story, hardly more complimentary to the much-maligned weaker sex, is given":—■ "Sandy Gordon was getting'married, and as "the wedding-day drew near, he began to find that it was costing him more than he bargained for, so he asked a crony what the minister charged for officiating at the ceremony.- : His friend replied: 'Weel, Sandy, after I got married I asked the minister, "Hoo much am I due ye for that?" "Oh," he replied, "just what ye think she is \rorth,"' so I handed him a shillin , . "You're far too generous," said he, and handed me back a saxpence. An' d'ye ken, Sandy, he was richt! , " "Hod Did Ye Ken?" Perhaps the best etory of all is about the drimk, who interrogated a fello>vpassenger in a tramcar thus:— "Drunk man: Did you see me e-c-coming int' 'Tellow passenger: I did. "Drunk man: Dae yoken wha' I am? "Fellow passenger: No. ' ' . "Drunk man: Thai hoo did yeken it ■wis me.t "- - -. ■ ...._•.•. ".