THE WATERLOO OF APRIL FIRST.

Auckland Star, Volume XXXVIII, Issue 194, 15 August 1907, Page 2

THE WATERLOO OF APRIL FIRST.

"Well, I'll be flabbergasted!" quofch Gideon Welcome &ilpin_ Gideon's height being to his tread-fen as two to one, there were nearly three hundred pounds of him to undergo flabbergastion. He hitched up his expansive overalls and pushed an immense straw hat further back on his bald head. Pulling a pair of round, heavy silver-rimmed spectacles down to the gnarJea end oi his nose, he gazed earnestly above them along the main street of Rockford.

»On the right hand pavement going due south was a slight, girlish figure crowned with yellow hair, which gleamed under an irresistible little blue velvet toque. A blue box coat hung gracefully from her shoulders, and a pair of small tan shod feet moved briskly beneath the pleats of a short blue walking skirt. She was tne new primary teacher in the Rockford Graded School and popular among the children, if one judged by the number who surrounded her.

On the left-hand pavement, also going south, strode the new principal, seemingly unconscious of the dainty lady on the other side of the street. His large, well-shaped head sat firmly on broad shoulders, and he walked with long sweeps of the muscular arms, •which inspired the boys df the senior class "with a wholesome awe.

"I'll be flabbergasted!" repeated Gideon. "Si and Orve seys they don't take notice of each other, but I believe they do, and they'd ought to, anyhow," stubbornly. Gideon was voicing the sentiment of Rockford, which, to a man —including the women —had decided on the peculiar fitness of a connected future for the new principal and primary teacher. "Igiots, both of 'em, if they don't," Gideon concluded ambiguously. He retired behind the pigeon hole case devoted to Uncle Sam's postal service, and sat down on a high stool. Being alone, he pushed the glasses nearer his eyes, and proceeded to the perusal of such postal cards as had not been called for. This task completed, he seated himself in a broad arm chair facing the postal boxes, and awaited the arrival of his cronies, Si Lewis and Orve Webster. Both were gentlemen of leisure, the former luxuriating on a pension granted him because of a leg broken under a camp follower's waggon ten miles from the guns of Gettysburg; the latter being enriched by the proceeds from the hotel which he ran strictly by proxy, his wife being a brisk worker.

Principal Philips lived at the hotel. Ruth Emery boarded across the way with the Si Lewis household, while both called daily at the post office; therefore to whom should the people of Rockford look for reliable information in the case of Emery versus Philips if not to their respective landlords and the sorter of their mail.

"He don't ever come to see her," was all the information Ruth's landlord could honestly give, despite his willingness to possess more. "He don't seldom ever leave his room evenings," informed Orve, tapping the boot of his lame foot. "He's got more

stay-at-home in s im than any man I ever see before."

But the information that Gideon Welcome Gilpin dealt out was of a highly perplexing order. If either of the two teachers were "corresponding regularly," of course the case in hand was hopeless, but Gideon annulled that idea. "He don't write to a single 'Miss,' and only regular to one "Mrs., , and that's his mother. I know that because—" here Uncle Sam's servant was wont to clear his throat, 'Tier answers

come in them flimsy envelopes, so thin

you can't help seem' through. And as for Miss Emery, she don't 'Mr.' a single envelope." "Mebby yon haven't kept their letters straight these five months," suggested Si as the triumvirate sat around the office stove. "Huh!" ejaculated Gideon, "Don't you fool yourself." Then he leaned back and added meditatively, "There sly about it —the igiots!—but I bet they don't fool me —there's something in the wind between the two." "What?" demanded Si and Orve. They resented this assumption of superior wisdom on the part of the postmaster, as he could not bring a ghost of proof to the support of his assertion. But Gideon knew. His own had been a middle-aged love affair, and he remembered various symptoms which may only be felt, not expressed. Therefore, he watched for the tangible and expressible the following afternoon when Knth and the principal entered the post office. They did not enter together. " Ruth came firstj her cheeks flushed with the January wind, and her brown eyes aglow as she responded to the questions of the little ones who escorted her. "Any • mail for mc?" she asked at the postal window, and then her face underwent a quick, indefinable chsnge,-and

Gideon felt the wireless telegraphic message which announced the entrance of the principal. "Now, I'll give 'em a chance and watch 'em," thought Gideon craftily, an'd,ycreaking around to -the swinging gate wj£ich guarded Uncle Sam's corner, he beckoned to the children. They understood the meaning of his crooked forefinger, and left Miss Emery with a whoop. Behind the counter, Gideon, ostensibly paying no attention to the teachers, but with his ears wide open, dealt out sticky sweets with a generous hand.

Alas! his candy and his efforts were wasted. • He heard a pleasant "Good afternoon." from both, and a simple remark on the school and weather. Then the outer door closed, and Henry Philips leaned over the counter, while the children, with gummed hands, made a wild dash for the street and their beloved "teacher."

Gideon sat, down heavily on his high stool, and turned a furtive eye on Principal Philips with the uneasy feeling that the latter understood his motives. There was always a twinJ.-l". in Philip's eyes whenever he toward any member of the triumvirate.

"Have a fresh drop,' , invited Gideon to hide his chagrin. He pushed a box of six-months-old chocolates in front of the principal, who valiantly chewed one. "Pretty little girl that," began Gideon boldly. "The child in red?" asked Philip, gazing abstractedly out of the window. "Pshaw!" exploded Gideon, lifting one brow and dropping the other, "I mean the little school ma'am."

"Oh, Miss Emery!" carelessly. "Yes, from all I hear, she is a very nice young lady."

'•' 'From all I hear,'" groaned Gideon when, a moment later, he sat in a deserted room. "Gosh, and all hands! A pair of igiots they are, but I know the signs." Si and Orve, who had been wedded nearly half a century, had forgotten the signs. "See here," said Gideon, mysteriously, 'an'hour later, "Si, hand mc over some of ttie for that lecture course you're' rurinin', and I'll sell 'em for you." Gideon was possessed of a bright idea, which made his bearded and creased face glow.

"What's struck you into sellin' lecture tickets ?" asked Si curiously, pulling some out of his pocket. Si, being in his own estimation a great manager and a good church, worker —where no manual labour was required —had arranged a lecture course for Rockford, proceeds to swell the pastor's lean salary.

"Don't be askin , too many questions," advised Gideon, winking wisely.

He pocketed the tickets, and went out tc receive the mail bag which hung over the dash board of the incoming stage. At the door he sent out his voice in sonorous rhyme: "Here's the old mail bag, hangin' with a sag exactly like a rag, fastened by its tag." The rhyme informed the driver that the spirits of the postmaster were buoyant.

A few evenings later he announced to the cronies, ''Well, I done it!"

"Done what?" grumbled Si, backing up to the stove and shivering.

"Done what I set out to —smoothed the way for the Perfesser." The gleam of a battle fought and won was in the postmaster's eyes. "It took a deal of workin' in one way and another, but I finally done it." .

"What?" demanded Orve and Si in unison.

Gideon v leaned forward and laid a hand impressively on Orve's knee. "I sold him two tickets fcr the lecture." He leaned back to allow that information to sink in, and then continued. "At first he allowed oce would be enough for him, but I hinted and hinted 'round the bush until I got him to blushin , —red, mind ye!—and then he up and took two. Now you'll see folks' eyes open at the lecture to-night. Wish I was goin , myself to see 'em come in. I tell ye they'll make the handsomest pair ever seen in KockfoTd."

Gideon was fairly hugging himself over his success, when the door opened, and the primary teacher blew in with the drifting snow. She nodded at the group around the stove with a smile so winning that the thoughts of each dwelt on the stupid blindness of the principal. Gideon, beaming, did her the honoiir to rise, but her first words banished hia smile. "Mr. Gilpin, I am told you have lecture course tickets for sale. May I buy one, please?"

It took Gideon a long time to make accurate change and find that ticket. For a momeat after the door closed behind her, he stood staring at it. Then he sat down, mopped his face with a red bandanna handkerchief, and remarked feebly, "Well, I'll be flabbergasted!"

. "Yes, you smoothed the way for the Perfesser fine, didn't you!" jeered Si?

"Don't see what the fool is thinkin about wastin' that second ticket,' : grumbled Orve.

Not only on the occasion of the first lecture was the Professor's second ticket wasted, but on each similar occasion he entered the church alone, while the primary teacher followed demurely in the wake of her landlady and the landlady's husband.

"I tell you," affirmed Gideon when a warm March sun called the trio to the bench on the south side of the post office. "I tell you that Perfesser is a dodblumin' puzzle."

"So lie is," averred Si. "Nothin' has come of my tryin' to be friendly with him and invitin' him over—to see mc, of course I said, but any fool could see I meant that he' should come over and set up with Miss Emery."

"Well," growled Orve, "if a girl hain't got sp.. enough to set her cap for a feller she can't ketch hhn, that's all, no matter who helps her. I wouldn't ha , believed the little school ma'am was so lackin' in grit." The three were watching the handsome principal swinging down the left-hand wa!., and the dainty little red-cheeked lady tripping along opposite in the midst of her flock. Suddenly Gideon asked, "School out April first, ain't it?" The others nodded, and he added grimly, "Them two are sure enough April fools to my thinkir.'." "So they be," assented the others. The triumvirate, whose leisure, public spirit, and inquiring minds enabled them to penetrate the hidden places in the lives of tie Roekford population, felt defeated in their efforts to glean the truth in connection with the teachers. That the truth could be so unusual an~ astounding, Orve was the first to learn, and Gideon the last. School was "out" at noon, and the afternoon stage to ti-e station was piled high with the baggage of the principal and primary teacher, homeward bound, as Rocklami supposed. The stage stood at the post office door when Henry Philips entered, bearing under his arm a big box, from which he poured dozens of large square white envelopes. The postmaster fairly gasped. Never had such a mail come his way before. Over the white drift the principal extended his hand, "Good-bye, Mr. Gilpin," he said, his face glowing with a quizzical cheerfulness ■which ever irritated the.

worthy'servant of Uncle Sam. • .'?! shall certainly miss the Rockford triumvirate and the interest they have taken in— iis." .At the door he' turned' with a laugh. "I had- quite forgotten," he remarked ambiguously, "that this,is AllFool's day." "Now what in thuhderatlon does hemean?v communed Gideon with himself as he examined the envelopes. Almost the first name which'met his puzzled gaze was '!Mr. and Mrs. Gideon Welcome Gilpin." He held the envelope lip to the light, tore, -Jie end; off, and addressed himself to the engraved contents. "August first," he read aloud, slowly.. *'Gosh, and all hands!" His lower jaw sagged and his eyes bulged. He pushscl Jiis hat back, and scratched his head.

A hasty step sounded outside the-door, and Orve bounded in, utterly forgetful of the leg broken in behalf of his country. His face was a study. So was Si's, who trod close on the other's heels. Both were breathless.

"What do-you think of that?" demanded Orve. "They've both resigned," exclaimed Si- . '

"What does this mean?" asked Gideon blankly, holding up the engraved sheet, and paying no attention to their remarks.

'■SMean?" yelled Orve. "Can't ye read an ordinary weddin' announcement? It means they was married on the sly two days before they struck Roekford, and now they've started off on their weddin' tower, lookin' like |he Land of Beulah." Gideon leaned against the counter helplessly. "Ifeen married eight months, and there we— " He stopped and. tacked in another direction—"Goin' on a tower eight months after the weddin'! Well, I've always said they was igiots. But why—"

"Because," interrupted Si, who understood the end of Gideon's question, "because, under the laws of this state no married woman can teach, and it seems they hadn't enough stray cash to sot up housekeepin' yet, so they postponed tellin' the school board all of their business until school was out."

Gideon cast the announcement on the counter, and brought his lower jaw up with a snap. An esyression of injury crept over his large good-natured face.

"Well I'll be flabbergasted—" he began, and stopped, interrupted by a boy's jeering voice as he derided a school mate. The three glanced foolishly at each other, for the voice was calling:

'April Fool ■will soon be past, And you're the biggest fool at last!"