WIT AND HUMOUR.

Auckland Star, Volume I, Issue 186, 13 August 1870, Page 2

WIT AND HUMOUR.

A Printer's Mistake.—ln consequence of some transposition, by which the notice of the decease of a country clergyman had got inserted amongst the announcements ot tlie marriages iv a newspaper, a short time since, the announcement lead thus :—" Married, the Eey. , curate of ,to the great regret of all his parishioners, by whom he was universally beloved. The poor willing ha^e cause to lament the unhappy event. Foe Young Ladies.—When Phihp Henry, the father of the commentator, sought the hand of the only daughter of Mrs. Mathew m marriage, an objection was made by her fat er, who admitted that he was a gentleman, scholar, and an excellent preacher, but he wns a stranger, " and that they did not even know where he came from." "True," said the daughter, who had well weighed the excellent qualities and graces of the stranger, "; but J. know where he is going, and I would like to go with him ;" and they walked life s pilgrimage together. A quaint old gentleman, of an active, stirring disposition, had a man a work m his garden who was quite the reverse. _ Mr. Jones," said he to him one morning, "did you ever see a snail ?" " Certainly," said Jones. "Then," said the old boy, "you must have met him, for you could nerer overtake him. If You Can.—Every man ought to pay his debts, if he can. Every man ought to get married, if he can. Every man should do his work to suit his customers, if he can. Every wife should sometimes hold her tongue, if she can. Every lawyer should sometimes tell the truth, if he can. Every man ought to mind his own business, and let other people's alone, if he can. Every man should take a newspaper, and pay for it anyhow. —American Paper. A Witty Debtor.—" Will you pay me my bill, sir ?" said a tailor to a waggish fellow who had got deeply into his debt. J'Do you owe anybody else anything, sir ?" " No, sir, said the tailor. "Then you can afford to wait!" and he walked off. A day or two afterwards the tailor called again. Our wag was not at his wit's end yet; so turning to his creditor, he says, " Are you in debt to anybody ?" " Yes, sir," says the tailor. "Well, why don't you pay ?" '" Because I can't get the money." " That is just my case ; I am glad to see you appreciate my condition. Give us your hand." Smith, the auctioneer, is a popular man, a wit, and a gentleman. No person is offended at what he says, and many a hearty laugh has he provoked by his humourous sayings. He was recently engaged in a side of venerable household furniture and "fixings" Ho had just got to " going, going, and a half a half going !" when he saw a smiling countenance upon agricultural shoulders wink at him. _ A wink is always as good as a nood to a blind horse, or to" a keen-sighted auctioneer, so Smith winked, and the man winked, and they kept winking, and Smith kept " going, going, going," with a lot of glass-ware, stove-pipes, carpets, pots, and perfumery, and finally this lot was knocked down. " To —who ?" said Smith, gazing at the smiling stranger.— " Who ? Golly !" said the stranger, " I dunno know who." —" Why you, sir," said Smith. — "AVho! me?"— "Yes, yes, you bid on the lot," said Smith. —"Me ? hang me if I did," insisted the stranger. —" Why, did you not wink, and keep winking ?" — " Winking! well, I did ; aud so did you at me. I thought you were winking as much as to say, 'Keep dark,l'll stick somebody into that lot of stuff,' and I winked as much as to say, ' I'll be hanged if you don't mister !' " — American Paper. A story is told of a young artist who was greatly attracted by the beauty of a lady who sat at a -window in the house opposite his studio. He sent glances of admiration up to her window whenever he passed into or out of his room. At length, one day, seeing her in the street, his artistic tastes ran away with his good judgment, and reaching her, panting with the haste he had made, gasped out, " Oh, Miss, your lovely blonde hair, I am dying to pain', it!" Ihe lady, with a quick movement, put her hand to her head, and then holding out her hair at arm's length, exslaimed, " Take it, there it is ! Send it back when you have done with it, and stop staring at my window. My husband is dreadfully jealous, and will thrash you for your imprudence." The crestfallen artist has not been on the chase for " lovely blonde hair" since. An Optical Illpsion.—Our friend G-uzzler, whose eyesight is failing kirn, was recommended to try glasses for its improvement. H c says he went and took five or six direct ly, and the result was that his eyesight was bo improved that he could actually see double ! i o Stddknts in the Mtrsi-uji of Geology. —It is generally believed that "you cannot get blood out of a stone." How then do you account for the fact that so many marbles are full of reins ? It is related that tiirkey cocks are made to do hen's duty in France. They are made drunk with wine, their breasts plucked, aud then they are placed on a sitting of eggs. On " coming out of it" they find their breasts cold xmless they remain where they are, and therefore accept the situation —that is to say, the hen's. How many applesdid our ffrst parents eat in the Garden of Eden ? Eve 8 and Adam 2. All misers die of the samo disease—Moneymania. What is society after all but a mixture of mister-ies and miss-eriesj ? A Cincinnati la.ly has hair 10 feet long. A nice young girl has been afflicting the public, and ranging rampant through the columns of the newspapers, by pretending to be a deaf mute. 'Jhe most startling experiments failed to betray her. Cannon were simultaneously discharged at each car, gongs were burst upon her head and torpedoes exploded in her mouth, but she maintained throughout these ordeals an immobility of feature and a placid indifference if attitude that would have C. riven a wooden saint frantic with envy. She was finally detected by the ingenuity of a prettier woman, fertile of resource, who whispered to a gentleman a trenchant criticism upon the young creature's nose. A South Carolina paper declares that young man who lost his wife one week, mairisd another while friends were making preparations for the funeral, and with his biide followed the retna:ns sorrowfully to tl c grave. Too Happy.—A newly-married man down east says if he had an inch more happiness he could not possibly live. His wife is obligcdt o roll him on the floor and pat him with a brickbat every day to keep him from being too happy.

A Cincinnati doctor's bill of three dollars was disputed with an adze, by the father of the little girl who died. A rival Galen caused the trouble by tolling the parents that what killed her was horse medicine.

" Sensation" is tabooed in J3oston, and the papers speak of "the great emotion" in the city.

Oxi.Y Jokino.—President Lincoln once sail that (lie best story he ever read in the papers of himself wt>s this : —Two Quakeresses were trarelling on the railroad, and were heard disc«s.<iii<* the probable termination of tlie war. " I tliink," said the first, "that Jefferson will Bucceed." "Why does thee think fo ?" asked the other. " Because J e f. ferson is a praying man." " And so i 8 Abraham ii praying man," objected the second. ': Vis j but (he Lord will think Abraham is joking," the first replied, conclusively. Dangeeotjs.—A ioi:iig lady in California broke he? neck whili! resisting the attempt of a young man tokisi her. Young ladies should be very careful not to resist such attempts. It is extremely dangerous. A bewitching litl.le brunette named Alice E. Haines was w. oal by Davy Boyce, at Kingstone, Canada. Davy pressed his suit with the passionate vigour characteristic of all love-oick swains, and finally popped the question. Sweet Alice said " i res," and Davy made an immediate confession of un. bounded ecstasy. The nuptial day was fixed, but when it arrived Davy did not " come to the scratch." Time passed on—a correspondence sprung up. Duvey was threatsned with a suit for breach of promise if he refused to take Alice to his bosom, whereupon he wrote as follows : —"I her not been born in the woods to be seart by an owl; and as for me to get married now, I won't doit for no person ; I will sever my own head off my shoulders before I will get married yet. I hope you will look over bad rightings and misspellings, as one of my fingers is cut, and not notice tbe bad composure." Davy was forgiven for his bad spelling, but a suit againiit him for trifling with Alice's affections wbb brought, and be was obliged to walk up to Captain's office and settle to the tune of 10U0 dollars.