Our Contributors

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume V, Issue 477, 18 February 1881, Page 2

Our Contributors

BROUGHT INTO FOCUS.

(Contributed to The Akaroa Mail.)

J The custom obtaining ground in this colony of presenting testimonials on every and the smallest opportunity is becoming positively nauseating, and I am not sure that the recipient of such a presentation in these days is not being something akin to " damn'd with faint praise." Somewhere up North the parishioners have presented the local sexton with an illuminated address and a scarf-pin, consisting of a gold pick-axe and shovel, in token of their appreciation of the manner in which be has performed certain "grave" and arduous duties for some years past. This is to me a horrible idea, but as a skit on the too-prevalent custom alluded to above is simply perfection. We shall doubtless soon read that Mr So-and-so of such-and-snch an office was presented by his fellow employe's with an ivory-mounted tooth-brush and a pair of nail-scissors, inlaid with gold, in token of their respect and admiration of the cleanly condition in which that gentleman's teeth and finger-nails had been faithfully preserved throughout his official career. There is something intensely caddish,and redolent of snobbism, underlying the growth of this practice, and the sooner it ceases to be the rule and becomes the exception the better for our reputation of manliness and common sense. Moreover, there is a refined cruelty during these hard times in hawking round these subscription lists. Of course it is purely voluntary whether one gives anything or not. Well—to a certain extent—yes. But, again, it is often an act requiring the greatest moral courage and firmness to say " No." One looks down the list and sees, here, Smithers' name down for his mite ; and, there, Brown's for whatever he can afford—or, perhaps, can't afford, for that matter—and both Brown and Smithers are no better off than one's self. Then, ths person in whose behalf you arc solicited is a "jolly good sort," you know ; and, hang it! one doesn't like to stand out of the thing when all the other felloes have gone in for it, and So-and-so—well, and so down goes one's name for the same as Smithers or Brown, all the time knowing one can't afford it. I say the custom is a refined cruelty. Take it out of that verbosity if you can, Tom Cringle!

Apropos of hard times, poverty necessitates peculiar shifts, as the workhouse matron apologetically said to the femilo inmate when presenting her with the regulation ■■ ahem 1 I beg pardon—and no doubt "my uncle's " could reveal some interesting and extraordinary facts regarding the history of articlee left there by " parties as is 'ard up," but I never yet heard oi anyone selling his or her wedding-cake. Yet such was actually hinted at in my presence the other day by a confectioner while dilating on a splendid specimen of Hymeneal stomach-disorganiser of his own mauufacture. Having drawn a mouth-water-ing picture of its component parts, he next directed my attention to the fact that the specimen was in three "tiers." (Par parenthese, I think that to be strictly emblematical of the wedded state three " tears " were hardly sufficient.) But to resume. He then explained that the bottom tier was the correct one to cut, and that the others were, as he put it, " either to send to your friends, to put by for future consumption, or to sell, if you thonght fit.* . Heavens, what a desecration ! What a massacre of romance I Mind, I don't say it has been done, not I; but there's money in the idea, mark you. I now recall having heard a person designated as "an old cake." Hitherto this was an inexplicable sobriquet. Now, I reckon it applies to a much-married man—a Mormon, for instance—who has put by all the upper " tiers " against a "rainy" day. Well, there's nothing like encouraging thrift.

Now, thrift and economy are tery desirable virtues if rightly practised, yet the one can developed into the miser's curse, and the other into niggardliness, or both be so faithfully but shortsightedly adhered to that more harm than good results. As an instance of this latter, at a recent pianoforte recital, the programmes for the entertainment were, for the sake of the supposed saving of a triflle, obtained from a Dunedin establishment in lieu of the local newspaper office. I have one of these productions ! before me at this moment, and I defy ! the most talented linguist in the world to faithfully translate the names of the various numbers as there set forth. It begins jauntily with a "Dause Espaynole/' performed by the members of the " Mattins " family. Professor Huxley, whom I consulted on the matter, informs me by this mail that having consulted the author's works (ascher), he thinks it must mean " Danse Espagnole," and that as Wise's Directory gives the name of " Watkins " among those of the inhabitants, "Mattins " might stand for that. The programme then racily announces a solo, " La plino de Perles." This is untranslatable ; they were thrown before swine with a vengeance. Then comes a " Lanata," by Mozart. His mother-in-law informs me that she had no great respect for the great composer, but still, in justice to the memory of her daughter, she must emphatically deny his ever having had anything to do with such a thing. Further on we come to a duett, " Lans Sanci Galop de Bravoure," by that unfortunate man Ascher again. I have written asking him what its all about, and suggesting that it is all probably the name of a Chocktaw Indian war-dance; but I have received no answer, save that he is too ill to attend to business. No wonder! And all this mystery and mess is the result of depriving the local printing establishment of a little piece of legitimate business in order to save a few paltry pence. Now the local printing charges are far from unreasonable,so that suspicion points at a far unworthier motive underlying the economical plea. It is neither a creditable business to those concerned, nor is it encouraging local enterprise, as that enterprise deserves to be encouraged. One thing, however, has been demonstrated very plainly—namely, that the work of tho Mail printing office is infinitely superior in every respect to this disgraceful specimen of Dune'lin printing, and 1 trust the public of Akaroa will note that comforting fact.

If anything can add to the ludicrous in the above, it is that the resort to the Dunedin printer's aid was due to the advice of a certain Government schoolmaster, whose opinion on every subject is with some people a species of Divine afflatus. The result of his interference in this case must be highly gratifying, since the deciphering of the programme; will hare provided him a new course of study, and a splendid example ■*. of orthography for his pupils. We can-^ , not teach him much, I dare say, still I would remind him of an old proverb l( Ne sutor ultra crepidam." Probably a " crib" in his possession will furnish the translation.

I understand that an action for defamation of character is to be brought against one of the witnesses by the defendant in a recent assault case at our R.M. Court. It appears that, in evidence, ' this witness distinctly swore that he saw the person in question "strike a man three times without knockinghim down." The man who is thus slandered, having the reputation of being a noted bruiser, is justly indignant at such a public slur on his hitting powers, and intends to test the statement before the bar. There is every reason to believe that, owing to previous experience in this line, he will gain his case, when doubtless it will be all square. The ten-shilling fine inflicted on him in the above charge of assault by an uusympathetic Bench was as nothing compared mth the insult alluded to. ASBESTOS.