SATURDAY NIGHT DIVERSION.

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume V, Issue 444, 22 October 1880, Page 3

SATURDAY NIGHT DIVERSION.

The Timaruffians have been distinguishing themselves again ; under the above heading, the South Canterbury Times thus describes a scene of a not very creditable nature : —

An entertainment of a mixed and somewhat novel kind was given in the Oddfellows' Hall, Barnard street, on Saturday night. Mr Tom Mewis, a local celebrity, known chiefly as a retailer of scones and watercresses, was anuounced to deliver a lecture a Iα Captain Jackson Barry, with the slight difference that his Colonial experiences extended only over seven years instead of fifty. For tlio benefit of readers outside of Titnaru, we may state that Tom is a youth who, in spite of his facial expiession is generally believed to be much less a fool than he looks. Shortly after eight o'clock he appeared on the stage in the presence of a £4 house, the audience consisting of a choice mixture of men and youths. Tom's make-up was unexceptionable—a dark tweed suit with the clothier's creases still fresh, and an aFSortment of flowers and clean and soiled handkerchiefs peeping out from his pockets and button-holes. An empty chair had to do duty for chairman, for the member for Timaru had declined the honor and the proprietor of the baths had evidently forgotten his promise. The youthful lecturer's appearance was the signal for uproarious applause, and Tom, apparently delighted, swung his hands together helplessly and shouted out " Ladies and—" Yells of laughter followed the evident blunder, but Tom, nothing daunted, continued in a low monotone which was completely drowned by the babel of voices that ensued. At length an egg sped with considerable velocity, and burst immediately over the lecturer's head, leaving a diagram of the solar system on the whitewashed wall. The lecturer nervously put his hands to his ears, and amidst an indescribable din commenced a negro song and dance. The walk round was the signal for more egg throwing, and Tom, having skilfully dodged the material for a respectable breakfast, disappeared behind the wings. At the end of a brief interval, filled up with larrikin yells that were intended to be encouraging, he reappeared and re<:d some documents which he called testimonials. umerous interruptions ensued, such as ' Tell us about the whale, Tom," " What about the windmill," &c. Tom responded by relating how, unlike Captain Barry, he got inside the whale and was vomited up at Port Chalmers, and declaring that on one occasion he was carried on the wings of the Timaru windmill at the rate of 40 knots an hour. He added that beginning as boots and stable boy he had worked his way upwards steadily till he became a hawker of scones and muffins, then an actor, and now he was a public lecturer. When next he addressed them it would be as Mayor of Timaru.

Several eggs—one of which glanced off his left shoulder, and another caught his trousers — induced him to beat another hasty retreat to the side. As he disappeared a small boy stole up to the stage and de iberotely threw a packet of flour at the retreating figure. In response to vociferous calls Tom re-appeared and sang " Ten thousand miles away," but the chorus was cut short by a large bag j of flour bursting near the ceiling, and the performer, after looking upwards in dismay, beating another retreat. A slight lull was filled up by a commotion in the back benches, caused by Detective Kirby, who had just entered, examining the pockets of some of the egg-throwers. This was followed by loud cries of" Hurley, Hurley ! " and after a good deal of persuasion the proprietor of a well known boarding-house figured on the stage. A bombardment with pancake material speedily drove him down, however, and Hurley was angrily expostulating with some one in the audience, when an egg caught him in the nape of the neck and distributed itself among his whiskers. The man of "meals at all hours" vowed vengeance, but after a time his wrath subsided, and he again essayed to take the chair. This time a worse calamity befel him, for no sooner had he emerged from the side-wing than an Q,gg filled with tar converted his features into those of an Ethiopian. Of course this was more than human nature, however amicable, could endure, and Tom having assured his audience that the entertainment was over, Mr Hurley and his assailants, much to the relief of the hall-keeper, retired outside to fight it out while the lecturer was locked up in durance vile till such time as ho reduced the egg-stained walls to their original I color.