THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG.

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume 3, Issue 217, 16 August 1878, Page 2

THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG.

" Let's be Merry and Wise ! "

" Canute's Advice."

,'j That's the hammer!", and the quintessence of soundly good logic, although some of the advice as given by tli3 old Saxon Monarch, eccording to " ye veracyous" and true chronicler of V ye tymes," is not so easy of execution as the above apothegm. For instance, wo are told that—" One day when the king was royally drunk " —how does it feel, I wonder ?—"they throned him upon the sea shore, and commanded the waves, like infidel slaves, to be humble their master before, but the billows were all so rolling drunk," &c, that they took no notice of the old buffer and his courtiers, but went on their own damp way " rolling and foaming," which, not meeting His Sagacious Majesty's approval, he sagely intimated as a means to an end—" To quell: this commotion, let's drink up the ocean, and so become Lords of the sea." Oh, glorious John j what tipple and what tippling it would take I Confound King Canute and his hard drinking, it wasn't him I meant to write of, but rather of tbe proposed dinner to the members of the Lakes and Drainage Trust. Excuse me, gentle readers, myself and "Venus" got so mixed—sweet, darling " Venus," she bas returned to the arms of her languishing!}* adoring Jack—that we, I should say I am—going to that dinner, clothed in the habiliments of decent society, moderately sober I trust, and minus " swag and billy." Now, I do hope—l really wish—to see a first-class gathering of " all sorts and conditions" of settlers—l will represent the vagrants— " at the festive board," to assist in doing honor to the invited guests, who certainly deserve, and have earned, the public recognition which it is proposed to give them. In the words of the illustrious Barnum, or some other showman—" Roll up, Gentlemen, Roll up!" at the sound of— " —That all-softening, overpow'ring knell, The tocsin of the soul—the dinner bell." It bothers me to know sometimes whether the actions of my friends are meant as friendly, or whether they are intended as the reverse. For instance, I got into respectable company the other evening, and when I say the company consisted of a bucolic senator fresh from the grass of Wainui; Vere de Vere, a. blue blooded aristocrat; De Regor, the eloquent and courteous; Rags, the pen breaker; John H. Baker's John of the Road Board, and a few othera, I think I am perfectly justified in using the word respectable. Our conversation was of a purely scientific nature, and referred especially to the action of alcoholic stimulants upon glass tumblers, and the non-absorbant character of that class of vessel, just the contrary fact, as regards " the human form divine," having been proved by " divers and sundry studious men " learned in this occult art. This was a subject upon which I was able to dilate and expatiate, and I did, you bet I did ; in fact, to such good purpose did I argue that the Senator remarked-—" I have some coins, suppose we go to Grogum's and put old Sundowner's theory in practice ? " " The ayes have it," so we went. The tumblers were duly introduced; the principle of absorption was tried, and found to succeed admirably ; it was tried again and again, with the same results; conversation grew hilarious ; I gave that scientifically absorbing ditty on absorbence called "The Jug of Punch;" Vere de Vere expressed himself delighted, and said—" Haw, titillate the tintillator, and name the enemy." I titillated; no response. Tried it again, with ditto results. Vere de Vere could not stand this, so he went to the bar, and, in a majestic style, demanded tbo immediate production of the aromatic waters of commerce. The response was—" Go home, my good men, you have drank too much as it is." This was a staggerer, tor we were all sober. Vere de Vere was paralized with rage.and indignation. I subsequently discovered that that scamp De Regor had quietly said to the landlady—"Don't give those fellows any more, they are all of them pretty well gone," and wo got no more at that house. Was this the treatment of a friend ? What do you think, Vere de Vere ? As Sir Walter Scott has it— " When true friends meet in adverse hour, Tis like a sunbeam through a shower; A watery ray an instant seen, The darkly closing clouds between." It is a very good thing for me that "mine ancient friend" of the feminine gender is somewhat illiterate, and unable to read what appears in the columns of this journal. Had her education been attended to in her youth she would have " spotted me " long since, but, as it is, she is " in blissful ignorance " of my vagabond scribbling propensities. She believes that I never took the slightest heed of what she said to me anent her French fellowcolonists, and that it was mere pretence on my pait to feel interested in what she said, and that my promise to aid in the carrying out of her ideas was merely given to please her. The readers of the Mail, however, know that I do nor deserve all the cruel things the old lady thinks and says of me. I have ventilated the subject, but without seeing or yet hearing of anything or anyone acquiescing therein. This is mean, very mean ! It makes me, a sundowner, a pariah, feel mean. Are we all so busy money-grubbing, or so absorbed in the worship of self that we cannot spare of our time and substance toward an act of courtesy ? Is kindliness an unknown quantity among us ? Are we dead to every sentiment of geniality, hospitality, and good fellowship? "Awake, dull sloth," for, perhaps, it is that cuss who has seized upon the best feelings of us all, and made ustieat with indifference a proposal which, if carried out, would be creditable to the English portion of the community. If I was anything else than what I am ; if I was known to the " beauteous and fair ; if I was a benedict, I would—not be a sundowner, Pluck up someone— " All desp'rato hazards courage do create, As he plays frankly who has least estate: Presence of mind, and courage in distress, Are more than armies to procure success." Some of my correspondents have peculiar ideas as to me and my correspondence.

They seem to think that I am the proper channel through which they may vent their spleen, pique, and, in some instances, malice. Now this sort of thing I object to. I am egregious enough to suppose that lam quite able to think for myself, and to write what I so think, without firing off pellets of other people's manufacturing. All communications of the kind I describe I invariably destroy, but, as. I want to stop this annoyance, I publish one as a sample, in tbe hopes that it may deter others from pestering me with their rubbish. Here we are :— '■ Mr Sundowner," —twig the Mr—" I wish to draw your j attention to the fact that some of the Borough Councillors are doing work for, and trading with, the Council, as you may see by reading the sums voted for payment. I know this.to be wrong, and would like you to take tho matter op. If you will give them" a good dressing down, together with a few hard knocks, yon will, be doing a public service, and obliging yours,—■*-—." "Don'tyou wish you may get it" — ? If you have any faults to find, go to the Council with them, and out with it. Jack doesn't intend to do the dirty work- and charing of the grumbling fraternity. Good, witty, and truthful apecdotes I am open to giys pnblictty to if sent tq me,, but if there is any slinging-in required at tbs actions of public men, I prefer,-and intend, to do that business in my own fashion and as it 'pleases me. " No heel tap 3 for this drinkist Fdr the future I wish ——- and the whole tribe of—-r—-, in all its numerous ramifications, to send me no more " screeds" "as per sample abave"—they will only waste their time, worry my temper, and perhaps, force me into drinking habits, " which tbe slightest drop when I feel dispoged * being my usual form. As an old author has it— "There's discontent from sceptre to the ewain, And from the peasant to tbe king again. The whatsoever in thy will afflict thee, Give it a welcome as a wholesome friend That would instruct thee to a better end. Since no condition from defect is free, Think not to find what here can never be." Good-bye.