THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG.

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume 3, Issue 213, 2 August 1878, Page 2

THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG.

" Say it was Mb !"

"Parliamentary Usage."

I don't like it, no, not a little bit! It may be " Parliamentary usage " for that mummified fossil, dirty old " Diogenes," to " say it was me " whom he found in his company when be was dreaming of his "brain ringing with the music of,the spheres, of Lorenzo telling , Jessica"—bosh and bunkum. Me keep company with a dreamer indeed — with a cues who seta sanitary and other laws at defiance, with the dingy original of the tribe of " Paul Pry," with a lunatic troubled with but one idea, with the introducer of that spirit of inquisitorialisia which is exemplified in "minding your neighbor's business, and leaving your own alone ;" me, guilty of such baseness, " ne-e-e-e-hever J " Well, '• going on the vag," like adversity, introduces one to strange bedfellows, and a vagrant like myself has to put up with many indignities; but the idea of a geological stratum, who dreams, claiming my mother's son, Jack, as a chum in thought and action is just an extra drop in my bucket of afflictions, and I object. In my youth, when my mind was somewhat better cultured than it now is, and before my vagabond career had commenced, I delighted in the writings and teachings of Aristophanes, Demosthenes, Euripides, Sophocles, Thucydidee, and other worthies of the E.S. school, but not you, "Diogenes." There was always, to my mind, too much of an assumption of superiority, of selfsatisfied complacency about the old monomaniac to cotton in with my notions. No, Sir, in this utilitarian age a man mustn't dream—he must be up an doing, as I am when whisky is to be had for the asking. Blue-mould me into bad "frontage " if you don't " cheese it," Mr Diogenes.. Jack has his faults —that's me —but he has a better opinion of human nature than that tub resident and lanthorn-swinger old Diogenes has or had ; if—l am napping and dreaming ! Shakspeare says truly that—-

" Dreams are the children of an idle brain,

Begot of nothing but vain fantasy ; Which is as thin of substance as the air, And more inconstant than the wind."

I am not a success as a financist. My attempts at negotiating a loan always turn out abortive. I shall never be able, judging from my past experiences, to spell my name Vogel. Like many other fellows, however, repeated failures do not teach me the wisdom of leaving financial matters alone, consequentially when a season of drouth sets in, as it does too often with me, I find myself at the old of trying to raise a flimsy on my I 0 U, and, just my luck, not succeeding in raisiug the coin current as the price of a nobbier. I was at it again the other day—tried it on with my genial acquaintance and former employer, Storekeep, with the usual result —" nary a red." " Jack," said he, ''drop it, you have had me " —quite true, I had, but trifles of that kind slip one's memory— " on that lay before, so it won't work. Do you know, Jack," S. went on to say," these perpetual applications for loans, not from you alone, mark me, are the greatest nuisances which business people hereabouts have to contend with; ' from early morn till dewy eve,' day after day, and week after week, am I pestered with people on

the everlasting borrow for sums varying in amount from hundreds of pounds to a few shillings; however people can suppose that we can pay our debts and have money to loan indiscriminately puzzles me. I will give you my latest experience. The other day a party called on me, who does no trade with me, and asked me the same question you did, Jack, and got the same answer, only it was worded more politely. I told him I was sorry I could not oblige, and asked him what he required the money for. Aβ lam a sinner, Jack, his answer was that he wanted to borrow money from hie to pay for some stores he had bought at Christchuroh,. the said stores being in a vessel then lying at the whart." " Ah," said I, " I expect you got your back up. Storekeep." " No," was the rejoinder, " I did not; the reason given for the application was so novel and strange that I had to walk away to prevent myself from laughing- in the man's face. Walking away from Storekeep, and thinking of loan experiences, reminded me of these lines from the eentimental bailad of the " Shoo Fly":—

" We feel, we fee!, we feel, We feel (urn) like the jnorning star j Wef«e|,.wefeel, weieel, That we don't knavr where we are."

It is a great infirmity, I might almost call it arr infliction,- for, a man; to he troubled with what is known as " preoent * in body, but absent in mind." I am greatly troubled with this absent-minded forgetful complaint, and oftenr get inysetf | into metaphorical hot water tbjowgh. trifling errors with tumblers- containing tfquid- refreshment, pipes, tobecco, and other small deer; However, a short time since,! wae" witness to an oecurrenoe in. which the for- 1 getful disease developed "stronger - ; symptoms of mental aberration than anything: that ever before caute .within the'ken of my personal knowledge, It was in this wise:—Admiral Benbow, of the Mosquito Dugrout Fleet ■; (Jboeequill,. the eloquent ; myself, and a few others, were engaged in the seductive pastime of spilling rum and hiding it. "The night was dreary and wet, and dismally dashed the dark waves," when Goosequill suddenly remembered he had business at the Post Office. 41 Confound it," said he, " I must run down, and I have no Macintosh ; here, Benbow, old lobscouse, lend roe yours I" "All right, old 'un, was BenboVa rejoinder, and the garment changed owners. Goosequill left, did his business, and returned. Later in the evening, when wo were preparing to depart, Benbow began to look around for bis property, remarking, as he did so—"well, I believe I had a Macintosh > I must have lent it to some of these tol-de-rol cockatoos; I ssy, Goosequill, lend me. yours, will you, I will send it ashore in the morning." " With pleasure," , politely replied Qr n and the article of apparel once more returned to its rightful owner. In the morning, sure enough, th» Macintosh wan returned, neatly folded up, *• the crew," who brought it, saying "that the Admiral was werry much- obliged to Mr Goosequill." " Tell the Admiral," said Mr G., "he 19 vetj welcome, and that I think him a trorop for sending it back, so soon." That Macintosh is still the property of G., and Bet bow is yet anathematizing the M cockatoo , * who borrowed his. As Butler has it — " Twist ns thus the difference trims— Using head instead of limbs, You nave'read what I have Been : Using limbs instead of head, I have seen what you have read—

Which way does the balance lean ? ,r

I have mentioned in Home of my former effusions that I occasionally visit an old lady friend, whose company and converse lam somewhat partial to. The good old soul gives me excellent advice which I listen to, but never follow. For once, however, I am going to reversefmy "course of procedure." At my last visit I noticed, immediately I entered the house, that the old lady had something on her mind which she wished to disburthen, so I was at once all agog for something startling. " John," commenced the venerable dame, " you are lust the person I wanted to see ; do you know there will be a golden wedding-day to be celebrated within a few days in Akaroa, and I have been studying how we could best do honor to such an uncommon event, *' Ho-ho, • that's what's the matter/ is it," was my rejoinder; " who's the blushing and blooming, and what's the happy man like ? " "Nα ridicule; John," sternly replied my mentor; " the couple I mean who will celebrate that happy event in their lives are Mrs and Mrd« Mafmanche, sen., a. thoroughly good and worthy pair. I have often thought, John, that we English show but scant courtesy to our French fellow-colonists ; now, this auspicious occasion will allow us in a certain sense to retrieve the past In August, the thirtyeighth anniversary of the arrival of the French m Akaroa will take place. Now, suppose you English were to get up some sort of a reunion—say a ball and supper, invite all the French ndw resident among you, and do a little bit of graceful presentation to the .old. people. , What do you think ? " "I am there with you," said, I, " and if there isany fair and square drinking to be done, I will guarantee to find one mouth that will not shirk liquor." " Yes, John," was the reply* ": nature has been kind to you in that way, as you .have a very open countenance, but you will push this matter." Push it, rather 1 Now, Dear Ladies, won't you " take a hand " in this business, and aid to carry dot the old.lady's, wish ? Gentlemen, exert youreelves and " start the ball a rolling;" epeak to the ladies, and engage their sympathies; if they are coy r remember the old sporting Bong— " Brush up to them boldly and try them again; For women love sportsmen, as sportsmen lovo them I" Adieu.