THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG.

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume 2, Issue 138, 13 November 1877, Page 2

THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG.

" Ur-ROUSE YE THEN, MY MERRY MEN !"

'• Tho voice ot the sluggard." And why not me for Mayor, eh, Mr " Burgess ? " " Se rch the world round, there's none could be found" as would look after ' incidents" better than I. Yes, '• Chad," me and the I. of N. wonld " put them through properly." If we wasn't there, we would be sure to be found thereabouts when incidental business had to be discussed in a proper and businesslike method. Oh! glorious Grog and Ma (y we get) grog, we'd be " the boys that fear no noise" when "incidents"was "foreninst" us! "Be the sowl ay me owld brogue," Jack, like Barkis, "ia willin." -"ou won't have me, eh ? Very well. I will, with wanted-to-be-eouncillor Beecher, " take a back seat," but before doing so will give the Mayor, that is to be, a bit of John Sundowner's advice. Don't be a mere puppet. Be a Mayor, not in name only, but in reality. Play first fiddle really and truly in the borough orchestra. Lead, and be not led. Learn your part well, and act it properly, upon the borough stage ; don't depend upon the prompt box for hints, suggestions, advice, words, and written directions. Keep your place, and make others keep theirs. " Respect yourself, and others will respect you " ; at the same time be not bearish, or fancy that a harmless joke at yourself is studied insult. Be suavely courteous in manner, remembering that true nobility is inconsistent with pride of place and power. Shout for me and—ahem—Beecher, and in return I will tell you the origin of your title—Mayor:— " Which is derived from the ancient word Maier, which means able or potent. In 1189, Richard I. changed the bailiffs into Mayors; and the title of Lord was prefixed to that of Mayor in 1381, in consequence of Walworth, Mayor of London, having, in the presence of Richard 11., felled Wat Tyler to tho ground by a dagger stroke." Occasionally a difficult problem, which puzzles the wisest of wiseacres, is solved by a small child, proving that " wisdom proceedeth from the mouths of babes and sucklings," and that the most abstruse theological dogmas are' as nothing to a child's comprehension. . As a case in point, the following occurrence, the truth of which I unhesitatingly vouch for, has been brought under my notice :—Two children, mere infants, a boy and girl, brother and sister, were recently overheard thus conversing :—" Johnny," said the latter to the forme r, " do rats go to Heaven ? " " No," was the. response. "Why not?" was queried. . ." Why not," was the answer, "why because'"they liavf'' got : taiis, and the black bogie has a tail, ana he doesn't go to

Heaven, where all the. crood people jro, neither will the rats go, of course." This answer settled, in the little lady's mind, the question of the ultimate destiny of the rodent family, for she walked away evidently with a satisfied mind. Now, I cannot help thinking that Johnny hit off the'inatter to a nicety. If the Darwinian theory is correct and Johnny's theory is right, then all our caudal appendaged prehistoric forefathers must have gone to Hades, and we, who have developed into what we are, are alone reserved for a higher and better purpose. Paddy Miles' donkey thus learnedly discusses evolution : " I've evolved into a donkey, though I might have been a monkey. If progressive transformation had not made me such an ass ; In the course of transmutation from the primal generation, And cretaceous formation—l'm gramnivorous for grass— I was found among the strata, though I quite forget the data, Before my vertebrata had developed such a tail." " In the days when we went gipsying, a i long time ago," we looked after the plenishing of the commissariat department far better than did some friends of mine who recently had a touch of the bitter-sweet experiences of camping out. These friends of mine —more power to them—took the Purau track for Akaroa, leaving the former place late in the afternoon. On arriving somewhere about Mount Fitzgerald, night overtook the travellers, so, nolens volens, they had to pitch where they were, and a remarkably nice place it was for a quiet lodging ; no fear of the neighbours kicking up a shindy. In duo course a fire was built, a piece of bark obtained as bedding, and then, as " gaunt famine did gnaw," prog and grog entered the thoughts, but not the'stomachs of the belated trio—there was the odd number of them without the " luck in odd numbers." The nose-bag was, after a little searching,'found and handed out, when, will it be believed, the only provender they had brought with them was two or three bunches of radishes and some sticks of rhubarb. Here was a feast for the unhappy gods—vegetable diet with a vengeance ; no fear of the scurvy to follow ; but—the flask, that is right ? Oh, yes, the flask was right; but," the whiskey—well, there was about enough to damp an oil rag, and tableau. Well, everything must have an ending, so had the representatives of the vegetable kingdom. Says one of the party to me— " Jack, you should have seen the Professor wringing his jaws, worrying his molars, and playing Erin-go-Bragh with that last stick of rhubarb, you would have never forgotten it," Hard lines, isn't it, Professor, that I should know this, but as the Widow Greene said:— \

" There's another thing that's pesky hard, One can't go in to a neighbour's yard To say ' How be you,' or bony a pin, But what the Mail 'II have it in."- «.-'

Ay coorse, Pathrick, ma bouchal, an' why nat! Shure its rakiii' in mangy other ways that the omadhauns —bad cess to the jiniration ay thim—are expart in. Vis, they want the roads made aisy so that they can carry on their eoortin', an' philanderin', an' decavin',an* intragin', an' blarneyin', an' dhrinkin', an', "be the*great gun of Athlone," - theirfightin', widout bein' bothered under fut. It's aniiligaritrcarpet foreninst the door of ivery sliebeen that the', naygurs will be axin for nixt. Confound, yer impidence ye letther writin' Mavis; ye have a singin' name, can ye' give me; an Pathriek, a taste ay " Tatther Jack ' Walsh." Meself an' me chum Pathrick will give ye a rakin' an' a scrapin' thrown in. But now, say Pathrick avick, 'pon yer conshince, don't you know as well as I do that "the tongue is art unruly member," and don't you think there are times when it is better " kept between the teeth" than allowed to wag foolishly, and utter expressions that had better been tmthought let alone spoken. After your previous experience, and the howl of execration which followed your folly, was it wise of you to commence again to " ventilate your oratory" in an unseemly and uncalled-for manner? Would it not have'been wiser on your part to " have heard all and said nothing?" I was taught when a boy "that children should be seen, but not heard." Practice that maxun a thrifle, me jiwil. "Such thoughts as these do soothe my mind, And calm my spirit's agitation ; So fare you well, although unkind, 0 sweet atomic aggregation." Adieu.