THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG.

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume 2, Issue 120, 11 September 1877, Page 2

THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG.

+ '"Elect me, gentlemen, and I'll —" Old Song —" Look out for Number One." I am in my element! A contested election is "just the cheese " for the fraternity of which, I trust, I am an honored and honorable member. I am delighted to find there are so many patriots, in Akaroa, ready to give their time for the laudable purpose of assisting each other in spending the ratepayers spondulex, as well as elevating themselves above the common herd, by prefixing to their plebehm cognomens the high-sounding appellation of Councillor. " Tag, rag, and bobtail," have entered—confound it! I mean that Messrs. T. It. and B. must feel amazed at noticing the "brilliant array of talent" that have entered themselves for the borough stakes, and how small must the estimable firm, above quoted, feel themselves, should such a notion have entered their minds, as to their being, in any way, fitted for the cares, the responsibilities, the anxieties, the excitement, the over-power-ing tension of brain, necessary to the office of an Akaroa borough councillor. Some one wrote that " what-d'ye-call-ems rush in where thing-urn-bobs pause to enter." I scarcely know what this means. Perhaps some one more le rned in subtleties than I am may " ken it the noo." In sober seriousness— i.e. primus when am I sober, and secundus when am I serious ?—is it not a good sign of active interest being taken in borough matters, when the office of councillor is so eagerly sought after, and coveted, by so many of Jour leading men ? How much better it is for this to be the case than have to beg for candidates who might enter upon the duties in a careless apathetic manner. Whoever is elected may depend upon this that, their conduct in the council will be narrowly scanned, and severely criticised, more especially by those whose misfortune it will be " to be left out in the cold." " Some have been beaten till they know What wood a cudgel's of by th' blow.' Some kick'd until they can tell whether A shoe be Spanish or neat's leather." The sufferings of a dyspeptic body are bad enough, but they are completely " out of-the race" when the acute agony or! mental dyspepsia is experienced. 1 am agonising under the fearful affliction of indigestion mentally. The keys of that wondrous box, which contains that gem of art, and bad latin, the pictorial borough seal, lay heavy upon my mind. Did not his Worship graciously and benignantly condescend to descend from his lofty pinnacle, and, with many words of much wisdom, present each councillor with a key to each of the nine locks, which adorn, strengthen, and beautify that receptacle which enshrines the pet production of Akaroa municipal genius? " Men and brethren," verily did he! Did I not record the glorious deed; and did not the local bard, in most execrable verse, immortalise the event ? We did so, both of us, and we deserved k—never mind what. One does not always get one's deserts, even in Akaroa. What I want to know is whore are those keys ? There are no councillors -just now; they resigned office in a body,—our old friend .of- 1 ihi>rcantile renown, did'nt see It though, and gave a gladiatorial dying kick, to be after-

wards apologised for, against it—but they did not give up the keys. Will the burgesses allow this ? Will they tamely submit to having any of those keys carried around by men who may have been, but are not of the elect ? Ask the candidates, who are sticking to the keys, to explain the meaning of thus "holding on" to the shadow of councillordom, when the substance, for the time being, is not with them. " Many a shaft, at random sent* Finds mark the archer never meant I And many a word, at random spoken, May soothe, or wound —" Great and glorious news for naturalists must be the wondrous tidings, well authenticated, ot the discovery, in Akaroa, of a veritable Mayor's nest, with the parent bird ruminating thereon, and, so says the discoverer, " hatching dark plots." Won't Dr. Haastsing '• Saver Kraut and Sausages " when he knows of this, the greatest, and latest, contribution, toward removing the doubts which hare, for ages, assailed the minds of men on this special subject ? Oh, what an explosion of German gutturals will be vented over " the nest" when it i 8 once in the Doctor's possession! But, stop ; what about the parent bird ? Will he—for it is a bird of masculine gender— not fight for his " nest ?" Will not a little salt, judiciously sprinkled about his pea feathers, fetch him from " the nest " and hatchment of "dark plots?" Whowill have the pluck to try and take that "nest," or cajole the old bird o& it? Not this child, certainly, more especially if "the hatching" process is going on vigorously. Anyway, this nest must not be lost to science,, so, to prevent thiscatastrophe, let Dr. Haast, and a sprinkling of taxidermists, be sent for to obtain, by hook or by crook, this mighty marvel of the nineteenth century. " But what good came of it at last? Quoth little Peterkin. 1 Why that I cannot tell, said he ; But 'twas a famous victory.' " Precisely so, Councillor, expectant Chadwick, " Tarantula juice " has had the selfsame effect upon me. Door-steps, verandah posts, fences, houses, side-walks, and even the road-ways, have occasionally been " much in my way." It strikes me Professor—what do you think?—that those from whom we get our Local Option juice are beginning to get careful over us. Our friend, the one pub, does not want us to lay ourselves out over the door-step of a rival in trade ; those temptations to our spread-eagling ourselves must be removed, so that we may make a clean board from Bruce's bridge to Wood's verandah post, thence to the wharf store, from there to the Mayor's—you know what,, and so on. Who says that agitation on the liquour traffic is useless? Myself and the Professor know to the contrary, and so does, at all events, one of the pubs, otherwise, why should he be so desperately chivalrous in his tilt against the door-steps of kis "fellow-citizens?" Professor, dear boy, things are brightening for us. We shall not only get —by paying—a powerful quantity of pectoral concealed about us, but, I have no doubt, the time is coming when the pubs will see that all obstructions are removed so that we can carry our cargo without spilling any. "Could great men thunder, As Jove himself does, Jove would ne'er be quiet, For every pelting, petty officer, Would use his heaven for thunder. Nothing but thunder 1" —Adieu. ■•,..'•.■