THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG.

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume I, Issue 98, 26 June 1877, Page 2

THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG.

"Oh, how Sophia!" War Cry.—" Fetch the Engines." Isn't it surprising how soon those who get scared recover from the scare they have received ? An accident, a short time since, at the Criterion Hotel, gave you of Akaroa, a scare as to the danger, of fire, and brought under your notice, just for the time being, how unprepared you are to cope with so destructive an enemy as " the fiend of fire." Apparently the warningthen given has been forgotten; it certainly has been neglected, for nothing whatever has been done from the time I mention until now, toward organising ways and means for the extinguishment of probable conflagrations. You may depend upon it, gentlemen burgesses, that you are acting suicidal in Avilfully ignoring the danger which may at any moment burst out in your midst. You keep on building, but take no thought or action toward protecting your property, and perhaps life, from what is called the "devouring element." As sure as my name is John Sundowner, you will yet have to bitterly repent your apathy if you still continue to " wait upon providence," instead of " putting your shoulders to the wheel." Why such unaccountable carelessness should exist among you I cannot conceive. Why not get the local volunteers to form themselves into a fire brigade ? Start a subscription list for the purchase of a fire-engine, and ask the Borough Council, Insurance Companies, Government, and Bank, to supplement your efforts by liberal donations. Ask your Mayor to call a meeting at once, and proceed right off with your organizations. Do it! or I shall tear my hair with vexation, and jump on my unoffending billy with anger. " Oh, to wilful men— The injuriesthatthey themselves procure Must be their schoolmasters!" Kecords prove how correct was the astute and far-seeing Napoleon.the Great, when he characterized the British " a nation of shopkeepers." We are that. Are we not Brudder Black ? " Hits the right nail!" eh, Brother Noonan ? " Correct!" don't you think so, Brother Harlock? " Sticks like bricks and mortar." Doesn't it Brother Morey ? Yes, gentlemen, there is no refuting the great truth uttered by the renowned warrior. The latest example of our shopkeeping character has developed itself in the Akaroa Borough Council. The worthy Councillors have literally " opened shop ;" not in the wordy sense of the term; not as gas dealers or fruit vendors, but as legitimate traders in " sewage pipes." How do you like this new style of trade competition, without profit, Messieurs shopkeep ? Cannot none of you import " sewage pipes." Is this the kind of thing; you elected councillors for ? Do you think this interference with your calling " the k'rect card ?" I think the Council is acting cruelly toward you. Competitors from outside places, who pay no rates, come here—as they have a perfect right to —upset your calculations, spoil your trade, swoop off the ready cash and your best customers ; leaving you the "dead-heads," and "long-time" accounts, as solacers. Is it right then for your local representatives to add another load to 3 r our already overburdened backs ? I think not! They are bad children. How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is To have a thankless child." So Councillor Wagstaff wants the Akaroa domain like "the rod in pickle," "preserved for educational purposes," as he considered "it was important that the youth of this country should be acquainted with the trees and shrubs of Europe." Well, no doubt of it, arboriculture! studies are humanising, elevating, ennobling, and useful, far more so than much that is taught in our public schools. Won't it be pleasant " in the dim future," for us my dear councillor, to hear conversations such as this : Edwin, thus to Angelina—" See, sweetest! the oak quercus. natural family, amentaceoe / moncecia, polyandria of Linnaeus." "This tree," my own! has been styled " the monarch of the woods." " King Charles the first, another monarch, took refuge in its branches after Guy Faux and his parliament had blowed him up. The. Eomans dedicated it to Jupiter, and it was held sacred by Greeks, Gauls, and Britons, the latter nation still holding a race meeting in its honor. The strength and durability of its wood are as great as my affection for you." '-That next tree," lovely ! " is called an elm, ulmus, natural family ulmaccc ; pentandria, digynia, of Lonnaeus. There are several descriptions of this tree, all as much alike as pea pods. The knobs which grow on the trunks are sawn up and made into other trunks. Like your maiden aunt, the elm attains a large size, and Jives to a great age. It has no parasitical hangers on or danglers after, like that Smith does after your fathers daughter." " That tree F " Yes, my charmer !" that is called the birch, betula. Natural family amentaceoe. Its rods are said to be used by flagellants, and it has a titillatory effect upon youth, which I have experienced, but care not to describe. When it arrives at a considerable size the branches hang down or weep, but this is depressing. " Coleridge calls the weeping birch the ' lady of the woods.' " Do you see that shrub," " Lina, love !" It is called the Rum Shrub, drunkibust. Natural family Eausucrelemonius. A potent dye is obtained from the essence of this shrub, which is extensively used for nose-tipping purposes. It has enollient properties known to many. It is taken medicinally, and its effects upon the human system is often described by the learned, as being similar to that caused by the inordinate use of pickles arid lobster salad." "It istime to go home, my ducksy wucksy !" " Be satisfied, and pleased with what thou art, Act cheerfully and well the allotted part; ' Enjoy the present hour, be thankful for the past, And neither fear, nor wish, the approaches of the last." " How is this for high?" A few day since I called at the residence of an old lady friend of mine, and found her intently! penisihg the Akaeoa Mail, in anything but an amiable mood; John, said she,

"this going through the Court is getting, scandalous, and, do you know, I was tola this morning, that that vagabond has gone off to Christchurch to file his cudgel. I'd cudgel him and the lot;of 'em if I had my .will on them:!" Sp'she-frould too. " Spurn the knave of every ftation, Always do the best you can, And, no matter what your station, Keep your head up like a man " Adieu.