THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG.

Akaroa Mail and Banks Peninsula Advertiser, Volume I, Issue 60, 13 February 1877, Page 2

THE SUNDOWNER'S SWAG.

"Multiplication is Vexation, Divsion IS AS BAD, Thk Kule of Three doth puzzle Me, and Practice drives Me Mad." " Nursery Ehymes." Thank your lucky stars, Mr. "Finn," that you are not under subjection to that class of pedagogues who keep private schools. It strikes me mentally that you wquld receive stnkes bodily, a severe course of " Dotheboys Hall," and both fins warmed being thrown in as mild treatment to cure you of my complaint, the " cacoethez scribendi" Take my advice, my dear scribbling brother, keep your fin from pen and ink until you can find a more congenial subject than the last* but one you wrote" upon. What a fin you must have, it grasps mayors, fairs, butcher boys, clergy, and schoolmasters, within its capacious clasp. I wonder it did not occur to you that parents and guardians are the best, as they certainly are the most fitting judges of the "moral and intellectual" status of those to whom they consign their children for the purposes of instruction. I have this opinion of Mater and Paterfamilias, that they would not send their infant shoots to receive education from any person "whose education and morals are of a low order," or " who is ignorant of even the rudiments of English grammar," whether that dominie put A.B. or A.B.C. after his name. Any private schoolmaster suffering under an affliction of fin, and wishing to change his vocation can have " the swag and billy"— prospective employment thrown in—at an "alarming sacrifice." Ah, "Finn 1" "Finn!"— " So, naturalists observe, a flea Has smaller fieas that on him prey, ■ And these have smaller still to bite 'em, And so proceed ad infinituni." Some people are disagreeably remarkable for not being over cleanly in their habits and persons, hints and inuendoes upon the fact being thrown away upon them. Smith—good name Smith—and myself were conversing "together early, a few mornings since, when we observed a person approaching us, looking damp, limp, and sodden. " Why," said S. " that is Cocksfoot's walk, but not his frontispiece, it is ! no it cannot be! yes it is him, but he has changed his skin." "Cocksfoot, old fellow, what's up with you?" Been bathing, said C. Where ? queried S. Oh from the beach there, replied C, indicating the locality with his right hand. "Jack," said S., in a great state of excitement, _ I have heard of a similar occurrence to this, happening in America. I am oft! to Wood's, and shall wire in to Admiral Malcolmson. What for ? I gasped. What for, you old pumpkin, was the answer ; why to give information at once, that there will be a mud bank formed in Akaroa harbour, perhaps right in the track of shipping Cruel, wickedly cruel of you, gentlemen councillors, to wreck the inspirations and aspirations of a gigantic intellect.. Imagination can scarcely conceive the vast recourse of a mind which in its comprehensiveness has climbed to the topmast pinnacle of an " iron lamp-post." l r et " Like the baseless fabric of a vision,"

you have toppled over the " lamp-posts" into nonentity. This sundowner feels " sad and lonely" upon thinking that the brainlabour of perhaps months has gone the way of " iron girders," and all ilesh. Why did you keep dallying with the dai.i ig " lamp-posts," gentlemen ? raising lo±tily ambitious hopes, only to lay thorn in the dust. You should have remembered • "If 'twere done when 'tis done, then > 'twere well ' : It were done quickly." Another unmixed blessing have j r ou met with, my dear Akaroaites, for which be thanldiul. A Government official has shaken the dust of your borough, from oil: his double-soled anclejacks, and no energetic busybody got up an address, or rushed about with a subscription list-toward purchasing a piece of presentation plata from the celebrate atelier of Messrs Electro, Mosaic & Co. Fortunate official, who has not got to return the usual stereotyped thanks—" proudest moment of my life"— " remember your many kindnesses as long a I live, and as long again afterwards"— " shall cherish your beautiful gift more than when I get her, my wife"—and so on ad libitum, and ad nauseum- —the grand climax of all these affairs being grog with a course of " grog blossoms" to follow. Oh dear ! the Diagnosis of mental disease is hit off "to a T.Y." in the following quotation, which I have found 6towed away in the lumber room of my memory— " Warm passions, and a lively imagination, dispose men to panegyric and to satire ; but nimium nee laudare nee Icedere, that is neither to deify, - nor to duncify, seems to be no bad rule for those who act consistently and live quietly." " Advice gratis." Am I not right, Drs. Watkins, Pearde, Bulmer, and Doctorial Professional,JCouncillorialChadwickV" Adieu.