Odds and Ends.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 447, 10 November 1904, Page 7

Odds and Ends.

CONSOLING. GEORGE: ' Ethel, dear, I'm going to interview your father to-night.' Ethel: All right, George, And if anything happens, I'll come to the hospital twice a day until you are able to be out again.' QUITS. A showily dressed woman was sitting in a tramcar, when a quiet looking young man in getting in accidentally trod on her dross. She talked at him for about ten minutes and wound up by saying: ' A gentleman would have apologised.' Taking off his hat, the young man bowed and said: lady would have given me a chance.' TROUBLE IN STORE. Father (to son): ' Now, look here, my boy, if you ever do that again I'll make you smart for it.' Son: 'You can't do it.. My schoolmaster says I was born stupid, and no power on earth can make me smart. He says I come of a stupid family.' Father : ' What 1 I'll go and see that master.' A MAN WHO- STAMMERS. ' Never was glad for this impediment in my speech but once,' said the man from Chicagoij who was injjo.sce the big parade. 'When was that ?'.:^ : ' Fe-fe-follow asked me- m-h-how much I would take for a-horse ; and while I-I-I-was t-trying to tell him s-sixty dollars, he offered me a hundred.' THEIR OBJECTION. Bobby (entering the room excitedly): ' Father, - father, the people of B • object to be buried in B—— Cemetery.' Father (a member of B Town Council): ' Indeed: what's the matter now ? Why are they objecting to be buried there?' '',' '. Bobby (edging near to the door): • Because they are not dead yet.' AS BEFORE. When the men employed at a certain factory absented themselves they were expected to produce a doctor's certificate. One morning an Irishman absent: on a second occasion, and told to bring his certificate, gave in the one used before* The manager, looking at it, said : ' Why, Maguire, this is an old certicatef, ' Sure I know that, your honour,' said Maguire, calmly. ' And isn't it the same ould complaint ?' SCORED. Two tramps were discussing how they might earn a living, The discussion became heated, and one turned to the other, exclaiming: - 1 The only thing you are fit for is for me to lead you round the streets as a performing monkey tied to a string. 'But,' said the other quietly, 'you would want another man.' 'Why?' asked the first. 'To point out at which end of the string the monkey was.'

CANT DECEIYE A fOfiH MOTHEP, Caller: ' I never saw two children look so much alike. How does your mother tell you apart V . One of the Twins: ' She finds out by spankin' us. Dick cries louder'n I do.' ARTFULLY PLANNED. A poor-looking individual walked up to a baker's barrow which stood by the side of the road, and, taking out two loaves, commenced balancing one in each hand. Just then the baker came up and shouted : • What are you doing there ?' The man made answer. ' It's all right; I was just balancing one of your loaves against mine.' 'Then just you put .my loaf back into, the barrow and be off,' said the baker I " He did. THE BEST THING TO DO. A tinker once entered a village shouting: ' Kettles to sell 1 Kettles to sell.' A lady camo up to him, and asked if they were good. ~"; ' Why,' answered the man, ' one of these kettles would last for years.' J The lady purchased one, and went away. About a month afterwards the tinker entered the village again. ;.'■: The same lady came up to him', and said: - " '<&£, ' Tinker, the kettle I bought from you about a month ago runs out.' 'Well.' answered the tinker, 'the heft thing that you can do is to shut the door and keep it in.' CONUNDRUMS. When did Moses sleep five in a bed ?-~ When he slept with his fore fathers. Why are bicycles jjoing oat of fashion ? Because they are all tyred (tired). Why ara washerwomen the most inconsistent of persons ?—Because they put out the tubs to catch soft water when it ii raining hard, There is a well known word in the English language, the two first letters of which signify a male,. the three first a female, and the four first a great- man and the whole a great woman,—He, hero; heroine.

THE RIDE TOCAMPMEETIN.' •Tttui "lon* asraui can>pm«e*ta' time, with preachin' high an' low. An' sence Sally wux a-gow"—well, I "lows* th3t I would go! 3o I harnessed up pi* Betsy—a crcetur" true »n' *!"'• <l — i. 1 beaded rer oempmeetia' with felly to* my side. Beve never looked so sweet to vx* Sa say time or place; The red. rose warn't a pfetur' to the roses on her race! Am", stealin' sidelong glamees. the thought that come wui this: "Th—l arms wus ?er a am' God BM.de them lips to kin!" We rid past hloomin' nnedders, an* mob from left to right "Sweet flel's arrayed la livm' aveea ar£ rivers of delight?" But I jest had eyes fer Sally, an' said, witlj many a sigh: " 'On Jordan's storsay bank* X staa' an' east a wishful eye!' " An' Sally—she wus lisu&ln', as' I toP her that the way To that dear little heart o' hers seemed longer day by day; An' she said—a-leokin' at me as euanin' as you please: " least you be carried to the skies on flowery beds of easef" That teaehed my heart a lesson, but I tot' her on the way. Single "I'd not live always, an' Z asked not far to stay!" Aa' then she said she'd have rati—en' I shouted, full an' free: ** "Amasln" graee. how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like roe!' " —■yraak L. Stanton, m Philadelphia Saturday Evening Post