Humour.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 403, 28 January 1904, Page 7

Humour.

—«— An old gentleman, before getting into an express at Euston, tipped the guard, and said: ' I wish you would make sure of catching the 11 45 at frewe.' The guard went to the enginer-driver, who had been a witness of the tipping business, and said: ' Hsre, Billy, this gentleman wants to catch the 11 46 at Crewe.' They arrived at Crewe just in time to see the 11-46 leaving the station. The old gentleman went ia a rage to the driver and shouted:

* Weren't you told to catch the 11-45 ?' The impassive driver, with a solemn wink, replied: ' Yes, sir: but you greased the wrong end of the train.'

Our old friend will tip the driver next time he wants to travel unusually faßt.

There was a look of determination in the eye oil Percival Victor, the cfEce youth, as he came to the counting-house to receive his wages. 'Please, sir,' he said, * I should like a rise in my screw, otherwise salary. I've been here and served faithful for a month without no rise, and I think I deserve one, please, sir!' ' You do, eh P' said hiß employer. 'Well, I'm sorry I can't agree with you. Why, when I was your age, I wasn't getting as much as you, and did not get a rise for years.' •Huh!' said Peicival Victor, with a superior sniff, ' that was before the in-come-tax rise, guv'nor; besides, I'spect you was one of them fatheaded rids as wasn't worth it!'

Professor Knowall had been lecturing profoundly on natural philosophy, and in the course of his. experiments he introduced a most powerful magnet, with which he attracted a block of iron from a distance of two feet.

' Can any one of you conceive a greater drawing power V demanded the lecturer, with an air of triumph. 'I can,' answered a stentorian voice from the audience.

' Not a natural terrestrial object ?' ' Yes, indeed.' ' I can't think what it can be,' said the puzzled professor. • Perhaps you'll ex. plain exactly what you mean.' Then up rose old Johnny Spinnage. Said he:

' I will give you facts, professor, and you can judge for yourself. When I was a young man there was a little piece of natural magnet done up ia a neat cotton dress, as was called Betsy Maria. She could draw me fourteen miles on Sunday over ploughed ilaud, no matter what wind or weather there was. There was no resisting 'er. That magnet o' yours is pretty good, but it won't draw so far as Betsy Maria/

* I will give yon tacts, professor, and you cab judge for yourself. When I was a young man there was a little piece of natural magnet dose up ia a Beat cotton dress, as was called Betsy Maria. She could draw me fourteen miles on Sunday over ploughed ilaud, bo matter what wind or weather there was. There was no resisting 'er. That magnet o' yours is

Poor old Cohen had trampad through the hot streets the livelong day; but the old clo' business was ' off/ and he was as tired and as dry as the proverbial • woeden god.' Not a ha'porth had he sold the whole day, and as he tramped along the dusty thoroughfare, his haart and his pack were heavy. But, hark I A voice calls in a falsetto Bhriek:

'Hey, mister, come op I* With a thankful glance at the six* storey window, where appeared a redheaded vision, he mounted the steep, dark stairs.

At last he came to the top, and with a sigh of relief he unsluag his pick, and holding a refractory youngster by the ear, she cried: ■ Now, yon will put Johnny in your sack if he's not a good boy, won't yon ?'

There is a great deal in keeping your mouth shut. There are more people in the world who never open a mouth without putting a foot in it than yon have any idea of. You may be a feol, but if you keep your mouth shut who is to know it P Generally you can size up the folks who will 'get there,' are getting there, or have got there by tbe way their lower jaw hangs. You may occasionally meet a wise man wandering about with his mouth open, but not as a usual thing. It is what people say and drink chiefly that causes them to appear before the police magistrate. If they, had kept their mouths shut, they would not have said it or drunk it. More foolish fish are caught with hooks in the mouth than through the tail. The fellow who goes about with his mouth open may catch a few flies in the aperture, but he isj not likely to catch anything very valuable that way. It is the fellow who sets his teeth and consequently shuts his mouth who ♦ gets there.'

'That dentist calls his office a 'dental parlour.' Isn't it ridiculous ?' 'lt is, indeed. He should call it a drawing-room.'