Humour.

Alexandra Herald and Central Otago Gazette, Issue 348, 8 January 1903, Page 2

Humour.

NOT SO SQIE >ms? CERTAIN lawyer waß a tanfjvli) didate for municipal honours s§£2k; recently. While out canvassing he knocked at a cottage door. The door was opened by a woman. 'ls your husband in, Mrs. ——•?' enquired the lawyer. * No, air,' was the reply! ♦ but 1 know what you want. My husband is sure to vote for you, because you got him off for stealing that ham last week.' ... -«No, no! Alleged stealing of the ham,' corrected the lawyer. 1 Alleged be Wowed!" was the woman's Bmiling reply. 'We've got a.bit, of Jt left still, Let me give you a sandwich out of it, sir.'

THE LESSER OF T WO EVILS. 'A. Swindle' is the name that appears above the door of a struggling lawyer in a provincial town. An acquaintance of the unfortunate gentleman suggested the advisability of his writing out his name in full, thinking that Andrew or Arthur Swindle, as the case might be, wonld be better and sound batter than the significant ' k. Swindle.* When the lawyer, with tears in his eyes, whispered to him that his name was Adam, the use of the abbreviation was understood. THE IRONY OP FATE. ' Ah!' sighed the long-haired passenger, 'how little we know of the future and what it has in store for us.' * That's right,' rejoined the man with the auburn whiskers in the seat opposite, j ' Little did I think some thirty years ago when I carved my initials on the rude desk in the old country schoolhouse that I would some day grow up and. fail to become famous.'

A LEGAL JOKE. Squire B the other day told a story of a certain Justice of the Peace, who owned a firm. One line of his fence formed the boundary of the counties Devon and Somerset. Like others in rural districts who hold that office, he had an abnormal appreciation of the responsibility of the office, and never lost an opportunity to exercise his prerogative of demanding that the peace be preserved. > One day his son and his man got to fighting on a stretch of the farm near the boundary fence, and the Justice of the Peace rushed, out and mounted the fence. Then, with head cocked high and the air of one who has but to command he shouted: 'ln the name of the County of Devon demand the preservation of the peace!' Just then the fence gave way under his weight, and as he went down With the fence toppling over to the Devon side, he shouted to his son:' 'Give it him hot, Jim; I'm out of my jurisdiction!' ! ' THE PIOUS YOUTH. ~ A wise and fond mother reprsvad her s~>n for asserting his dislike of a.certain rough playmate. • When he wants to fight you, don't fight,' she said, ' but remember tbe proverb about ' coals of fire !' And Harold said he would. The next day he invested twopence in a baker's pie, and just as he purchased it he met the odious Jerry. ' Hello,; tinribsj' shouted, the latter, • I'll have'to lick yer again.' For answer Harold broke the pie in two, and gave the larger half to the warlike youth, who gulped it down with grunts of amazement. ' Lumme, youngun,' he mumbled,' that was all right! What made yer gimme it?' ' Because you hit me yesterday,' was the gentle answer. Whereupon Jerry planted a staggering blow on Harold's chest that nearly knocked him over. 'Go. and get another pie,' he said. ' I feel pious enough to eat yer.'

FROM THE 'PETTYVILLE PLIINDEALER.' Out country correspondents are requested to write briefly and to the point in preparing their accounts of 'quiet weddings'; they may, however, consider themselves at perfect liberty to spread themselves in givinp the details of any uproarious weddings that may occur to break the monotony in their respective neighbourhoods. We further wish them to remember tbat a groom attired in 'conventional garb' is sufficiently covered without any description of his dress; but a groom married in tar-and-feathers is worthy of special rates and a full column with biiEf head lines. If the 'happy couple' then depart, they should be permitted to go without saying; but should they begin hostilities before the minister has got out of hearing, we want all the particulars If the table ' groans/ let it, groan; but if any of the guests choke to death on the ' collation, it will be a serious matter with our special correspondent if we don't get complete and early returns. What we want is news that is news. • Yes/ observed the * coach,' ' you weep te the jury beautifully, but let us again rehearse your glare at the defendant.' By dint of much drilling the. affair passed off creditably, and was described as one of the prettiest 'breach of promise' cases of the season. Wife : 'ls that you, George?' Husband : * Yes, dear.' Wife: ' Oh, I'm so glad! I'm always afraid there's a man in the house till you come.' Mra. Nouvo Eeesh :'She called me a barmaid, and I flew at hor ancfcpulled her hair. Mrs. Toplofty: 'Oh, how terrible! Still even that didn't justify you in fighting her.' ■■:■[ '£s±.l Mrs. Nouvo Eeesh : ' Yes, but if you had ever been a barmaid you would understand how mad it made me.' Madge : ' As he has no money, it would be foolish to sue him for breach of promise.' " ' Dolly : ' I know it, ; my dear; but those love letter of his would read beautifully in the papers.' 'My dear sir,' said one careful banker to the other,'if I were you I would watch that cashier of yours more closely.' 'Why P He does not bet at the races, does he P' f . | 'WoA l'i ) ' N or play cards ?' ' 'No.' ' For goodness' sake, wnat does he do, then, tell me P' ' I hear he uses coal in his house.' Mrs. S.: ' How is your daughter this morning*?' Mrs. B.: < The doctor says she is convalescent.' Mrs. S.: ' Dear mo! I hope it isn't catching I* •