OUR CHRISTMAS GOOSE.

Ashburton Guardian, Volume VII, Issue 1814, 13 April 1888, Page 3

OUR CHRISTMAS GOOSE.

(From Jeorua Kive'a Adventures iu the '•■Glasgow B-iillie.") Speakin' for mystT, Biillie, I'm a^s Ohrfstmaa man. In my joaug days thero were n»o Ohr!gtraas3eßj an' I'm qalte content tae gang on the even tenor o' my ; way tas the ev.d o' the ohapcor, getting > in a bit. jauc o' whiaky aa' a ourran' bnn for New'erday, but ne'er fftahin' my thoom aboot Christmas. In epjnking for my wife an' neibore, hooevor, especially tho young aaoa, I may say we're ga'ing nff the reel u'thogithor noo wi' oor nuw f^nglad tiotiona — nye haukeving afiet somet-.hln? freeh, ye peo. Wo're following ao hird in the w:ike o 1 tho English that wa'ra throwing a3ide oor auld notions o' tbe Now Yoar, and bless yo, "haudlng Christmas." Tha vara p^nuy lottery folk hae thalr windows fu' o' loovin' turkeys and geese ; tin' there's tha poulterar'a advertising tae hae aae maif thooaand turkeys at sae much a hoed. Why dao they eat geeae jist at Christmas ? Whiaky an' curran k buu haa a certain affinity — I think that's tha word, Balllle— tae the New Year j whiaky, because It mak's ye hearty an' cheery, an' jovial, an' enables ye tae sing the auld year oot an* the new ane (n wi' guid wull, an' tae drink folk's health in ; an' ourran' ban, beciUße — let me see — because— .weel jist beojuae it's carran' bua.

Hooever, oor Betfy la nae e xo9ption tae the real; o' womankia', an' last Saturday she said she would like a goose for her Ohrlatraaa denner. " Fur oor what ? " I aaya, laying do<vu my paper; "Are ye actually ga'ing tae hand Christmas in my hoo*e? Me a Scotchman an' an elder o' the kirk, an' hand Christmas Betty," I saya solemnly, u pet two gaid red herring that day or minced collopa, or a finnin haddie, even, bat a goose I never " Uooev<.r, tao mak' a tang Btory shod, I wia cajoled Into aloolng her tae get a goose for anoe, So laßt Monday 1 wla sitting doverlng In the arm chair at the fireside when I waß aroused by a malst extraordinary runipauglng oot on the stiir. I thocht at first It wia auither gasometer blawn up wi' a fuaco, till I minded I vria only in tha qafet village o 1 Strathbnngo. " Qaud him," I heard Baity crying oof, " keep a grip, mogaty me he'a bit the hiuf o' my i nose off," and eae en. 1 llchtet a oaauel an' lookit oot, and there on the stale was Betty drawing up a callan by the cuff o' the neck, and the callan handing on by a string to which was attaohed a big, raw-boned, atatvedlooking gander, It seems Betty had went intae ane o' thae new kin o' auction shops, an after spen'ing aboot twa shillings in penny tickets, trylug tae get a gooae, she at laat made a bid o' hauf-a- croon for ane that a laddie had won, and gaelng him tlppeuca tae briDg it hame In the 'bus, here they were. I've leeved up that atair, BjIIHo, for fower-an'-twenty years, an' never a' that time did me or mine cause aio a rippet aa waa that nicht. The gander had evidently got a gey aalr dauding coming owre frae Ireland, an' hia aojourn in the window o' the sale-room didna improve hla looks or hia temper, I can tell ya. There he was, raggit, brokenwinged, lame o' a leg, an' blTn o' an o'e, but determined lookla' an' defiant. 1 lifted my specs up on my broo, an 1 surveying him said, " An' that's tae be oor dinner the morn, is it?" "Deed is V says Betty, •' an 1 a hard-wrooht for dinner it's been, I can tell ye. It took me, an' the laddie an' the guard, an' twa weavers tae haud him — me being in the inside wl' my haun thro' the wea window in the roof o 1 the 'bus, handing him by the leg, an' the laddio had him by the throat, ane o' the weavers handing by the wing, whl e the ither ane lay on the tap o 1 him ; but hero he Ib, he'll be in the pat the morn." "An' a bony pat-fu' he'll mak," I eays, " yo'd bett3r blaw him up wl 1 gunpowther before ye bile him. Upon my word it's a sin tae kill a patriarch like that ; think o' the feelings o' hia large family, an' ither deacendanta tae the third an' fourth generation ; he ooht to be a penaioner ! My oerty but thiß Ib material for a Christmas dinner wl' a vengeanoe." The laddie having let go a minit tae get hla breath the gander played flee past me, knookin' my specs aflf, an' up on tae » shelf, where he began tae dab at the- dishes, an* knock then on tae the floor ane by aoe, aahetn, oream jugs, an' plateß, jist as they cam'. I vria speechless, dumbfouodered ! Jlst as he made a dab at a fine auld china tureen that had been in oor family for generations, my bluld got up, an' seizing the poker I let drive at him, an ; ca'ad him an' aboot twa d.'zzan o' cups an' saucars doon aboot oor heeds. Betty screamed oot "murder" and the gander cackled an' flew against the pas, putting it oot, while the wean* jumped oot o' bed in their nicht goons, an' rlnning in atween my legs ca'ad me ower like nluepins. The neebora below began tae rap up wi' pokers and brooms, thinking dootleso, naething less than murder wls ga'ing on, an' little wonder, for as I heard a caokei in the dark I made a tin at It an' grippet Betty by the throat, and knocked her intce the jawbox. Doon cam' anlther raw o' plates, an' frae th&t I gathered oor fteen wls up again on the Bhelf . Dod's mercy, Bai lie ! I think the brit wia hardly human, for aye ai a plate oam 1 doon he gaed a cackle o' satisfaction. It wla ama' satisfaction tae me, as ye can readily believe, an 1 I got dejjperate. I scrambled up on the dresaer, an' pat oot ma haun', but, mp faith, I got sic a dab that I sin drew it ia again, only I drew doon an auld jaely pan, an' it being ane o' the eraa' b!z3 Buited for ema' families like oora, it stuck on my pow, an' Bjtty, acramblfng aboot for a plaoa o' Bholter, gled it a drive doon that wedged it on tao my heed, an 1 that put au end tae my exertloDß. Mr M'Faurhn frae b^low coming up at this, wl' a can ale in hia tae hannd and the poker in hia tither, the full extent o' oor catastrophe wia seen. The fl)or waß covered wi 1 broken disbes o Betty had her thoom knocked oot o' joint an 1 her noae bleeding, tho weana had their feet cat, while I—an1 — an elder, mlr»' yo — wio dancing the Bailor's hornpipe wi' the jeely pan wedged on my heed like a helmet 1 Hoo I blaehed — bob my blushes werena Been aB the jeely p?n cam' doon tae my chin — while oor freon, tho gander, aat on the tep o' the gas meter on the shelf picking his bits o 1 broken feathers, «m' surveying the scene c? destruction wi' a benevolent look that was yera assuring to onybody but the ownsc o' the china. Mr M'Fuurlan got the jeely pan aft 7 my heed, an' we took counsel hoo tae get a haud o' the enemy, I lifted a blanket tae throw ower him, while M'Faurlan held the oaunel ; an concentrating oor forces we advanced to the charge, I got on the dresaer an' made a grab at him wl s a suddenceao that wis sure o' buoobbh, when " pooh 1" he made one dive oot thro' the window, an' wi' ane o' his confounded cackles ho soared awa' owar the coal roe, au' oot byjihe 'Shawrf, carrying in his neb aae o' tho weana' nlcht-goons that had been hanging up tae dry Bailie I draw a curtain ower the scene. I can only say thh, it'll be a lang, lang while afore 1 alloo mysel' tae be cajoled Intae baudiug Ohriatmas wl' anything better than mince oollon.5). '