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Ashburton Guardian, Volume III, Issue 695, 22 July 1882, Page 2

“ Fatted Calf for One.” —A youths prodigal, who for some time previous had wandered from his domestic hearth and the paths of virtue, in seaich of gaiety, and had spent his substance among the wine-bibbers and in riotous living, was recently struck with remorse, and resolved on returning, pleading and penitent, to his father. The aged parents were entertaining divers friends at dinner, when a telegram expressing the son’s resolution, arrived. It ran as follows : “ Fatted Calf for One.” —Melbourne Bulletin. A Zealous Candidate. —“ If you send me to the Commons House of Parliament,” said a Scotch candidate, “I’ll vote for universal suffrage, vote by ballot, annual Parliaments, electoral ” A voice : “ What do you think of the Decalogue !” “Of what, sir i” Voice : “The Decalogue.” Candidate, aside to his right hand friend : “ What does he mean ?" Friend (whispering) “ The Deceased’s Wife’s Sister’s Lull. ” Candidate: (re-assured), “ 1 consider the Decalogue, sir, a highly immoral measure, and if I am returned, I will pledge myself to oppose it on every possible occasion.” Fact. Holloway’s Pills. — Nervous Debility.— No part of the human machine requires more watching than the nervous system—upon it hangs health and life itself. These pills are the best regulators and strengtheners of the nerves, and the safest general purifiers. Nausea, headache, giddiness, numbness, and mental apathy yield to them. They dispatch in a summary manner those distressing dyspeptic symptoms, stomachic pains, fulness at the pit of the stomach, abdominal distension, and overcome both capricious appetites and confined bowels—the commonly accompanying signs of defective or deranged nervous power. Holloway’s Pills are particularly recommended to persons of studious and sedentary habits, who gradually sink into a nervous and debilitated state, unless some such restorative, be occasionally taken. —[Advt. J|