SLIMMER TWINS

Rip It Up, Issue 214, 1 June 1995, Page 12

SLIMMER TWINS

Diner, Service Station & Takeaway Cuisine

Sometimes you need a touch of class. If a splash of blue stratos, the Cool Runnings video and Georgie Pie’s new 75c menu aren’t enough to impress a delightful lady, then the Twins are here to help. Last month with open arms we embraced the seven deadly sins and were happy to endorse William Blakes’ theory that, ‘we never know what is enough until we know what is more than enough’. Here’s this month’s selection.

A Lovely Steakhouse, 68 Hobson Street, central Auckland.

Quite frankly, under a full moon and after 14 pints the Twins are partial to a bit of raw meat, but nothing could prepare us for the uncooked slab of pink gristle that was served up at this romantically named restaurant. We swallowed a mouthful or six before causing a scene and demanding they be chucked back on the barby. The side orders consisted of (choke!) vegetable, and a thimble full of chips with less filler than Karen Carpenter. We were not impressed. After the meal we retired to the bar, and in between belches ordered a couple of nightcaps of our own invention. “Four doubles in a pint glass with a dash of coke and a twist of lemon please.” They were not forthcoming. We shall not return.

Harvest Haven, 3rd Floor, 151 Queen Street, central Auckland. With a name like Harvest Haven, you might expect them to serve Vita Brits and poofy English tea, but no, the Harvest crew are down for whatever. The Twins come here for breakfast only, we roll up first thing in the morning — sweaty, foul-mouthed, badbreathed and flatulent — and still get the best of service. The 151 Stack is the drug of choice — a veritable leaning tower of pancakes, fried eggs and bacon, drenched in maple syrup and tomato sauce. All this, and bottomless coffee ($7.00), makes your body ride for the entire day on a rush of sugar, caffeine and fat. Hallelujah! Jabies Doner Kebab, 242 Victoria Street, Hamilton. Jabies is like an off licence in the desert. This glorious occasion of eating is the first time the Twins have chowed down in Hamilton and not suffered hot squirts the next morning. Only authentic Israeli style kebabs are on the menu here, the Economy Kebabs (ie. small ones) for soccer players range from $3.90 to $6.50, but us real men wolf down the gargantuan King Kebabs (Lamb $6.90, Chicken & Beef $7.90), all the time making exaggerated snorting noises from the back of our throats. Carved straight off the spit, this King sized treat oozes sizzling strips of hot lamb and chilli sauce, cheese and a selection of organic veges that are easily removed. Washed this down with a gallon of Turkish coffee ($1.50), and Ishmael’s your uncle. Other notables: Margaritas, 18 Elliott Street, central Auckland. There’s no reason not to like Mondays, especially when Margaritas offer a special of two tacos and a beer for $2.50. Finally, quote of the month is from Johnny Depp to Kate Moss: “Get back to Ethiopia.”