SLAG

Rip It Up, Issue 168, 1 July 1991, Page 28

SLAG

PUT JAMES BROWN BACK IN JAIL! Yessir £ Like, what's he going to do now he's out? Record another FUCKING DANCE 1 SINGLE?? PERHAPS? Just MAYBE?? . Another JIGGA-JIGGA-JIGGA piece of I CRAP PROMOTIONAL MERCHANDISE for ’ FLARED TROUSERS? Don't we have ENOUGH? Yes we DO. FUCKING DANCE SINGLES I . are a DOLLAR a DOZEN and we DON'T \ need ANYMORE. PUT THE OLD BUGGER BACK INSIDE. Give YOUNG WHITE BANDS WITHOUT SOUL a CHANCE. Yes readers, ELVIS SLAG SUPPORTS TUNELESS WHINERS IN DOC MARTENS. People like SPUD and THE NIXONS and f MICHAEL "WHINY CRAPPY PEOPLE" STIPE. What would those boys DO if they were FORCED to SELL OUT to the EVILS of the ' DANCEFLOOR? Apart from MAKING MONEY and ENTERTAINING PEOPLE they would be FUCKED. What would SONOMA 1 MESSAGE write about for STUMP , MUGUZINE?HOW would she WALK in SIX-INCH PLATFORMS?? BEWARE of JAMES BROWN! He is doing the DEVIL'S WORK. NO HUMAN BEING COULD HAVE HAIR THAT SHINY.

Cor blimey me old china! It's your old : mate DOMONIC ROSKROW writing you a - FEELING BETTER (letter) all the way from . CAP AND GOWN (London Town). As I . always say, the hardest thing about working in New Zealand was keeping my foot in my mouth for two years. Anyway, here's a review of my first LOVERLY day to LONDON (no chance of bumping into a Kiwi support band here eh? Cor blimey): Sam: Arrive Heathrow, 8.30: Get pissed. 8.45: Hop on me bike, drive down the frog and toad, order a pinta bitter, see the old missus. 9.00: Decide that ICE-T is the MICK JAGGER of the 90s. Does this mean MICK JAGGER was the ICE-T of the 60s? Cor blimey. 1 .00; Riot in the streets, pull the walls down, start the revolution. 12.15: Get pissed again. (Two beers this ? tone.) 3.20 pm: Decide KEITH RICHARDS is the TINY TIM of the 50s.

4.25: Thrown out of pub for talking too much. 5.30: Decide CHARLIE WATTS is the VANILLA ICE of the 40s. Cor blimey. ! ELVIS SLAG'S GROUPIE NEWS: Hi Giris! Isn't it GREAT being a GROUPIE? Gee WHIZ! Well NEWS on the AGENDA this month features the LOVELY GIRLIE who went home one night with a LOCAL SEXY PIN-UP ROCKER. Great! Neato! Way cool! Worked out who it is yet? Why not complain to the editor, and he'll make me apologise next month! Gee whiz! ■ Anyway, the GROUPIE and the SEXY ROCKER arrived home with the intention of PARKING on each other's respective G-SPOTS.It is all ROMANTIC and KISSY-KISSY but then the GROUPIE does something EXCITING. She GOES WILD! Yes REALLY WILD! She TEARS ALL THE POSTERS . OF ROCK STARS OFF THE BEDROOM WALLS! Like, you CAN'TMAKE a METALLER lose his ERECTION any faster than THAT! GOODNIGHT VIENNA! But WAIT. There is MORE! The GIRLIE does NOT STOP THERE. She DEMOLISHES the WHOLE FLAT. The SEXY PIN-UP METALLER is almost in TEARS. Listen Girls: if you're GOING to do something POINTLESS and DESTRUCTIVE, then DO IT ON STAGE like everyone else. JESUS LOVES YOU? Like sure, He says that to EVERYONE. This issue came into LIGHT at the recent SATAN LOVES YOU gig at the POWERSTATION. Yes THEOLOGICAL ISSUES are not beyond ELVIS SLAG. INSIDE, the STRICTLY OVER-20 CROWD ("Two icewaters please") were MOVING and GROOVING to the sound of FREAK POWER and the WARNERS. (Hey! Do I detect TUNELESS WHINERS IN DOC MARTENS? RIGHT ON!) But OUTSIDE the POORSTATION there is ' EVIL AFOOT. Dozens of SHINY HAPPY RELIGIOUS PEOPLE are putting BROCHURES under the windscreen wipers of EVIL CARS. What do the brochures say? Why it is a MESSAGE of LOVE. - They say: "GOD LOVES YOU!!!!!! SATAN HATES YOU!" and on the back they say in ballpoint: "Would Satan die for you? Jesus did!" What a LOVELY REMINDER. But wait! They have spelt "Jesus" with two E's. OH DEAR. And speaking of JESUS, here is news of JESUS JONES, the SPIFFING BAND who DIE ON STAGE... It was reported in last month's UPTO THE MINUTE AUCKLAND STAR-STYLE COLUMN that the BAND had a ‘ BIG MASCULINE PUNCH-UP the moment ■i they got off stage in Auckland. This is TRUE. ' Now ELVIS has learnt MORE. JESUS JON ES were in fact SO TARTY with each other than by the time they arrived in AUSTRALIA AUSTRALIA AUSTRALIA they were NOT TALKING to each other AT ALL. Why ? Because the SINGER said Jesus Jones were HIS FUCKING BAND and that the GUITARIST should LEAVE. ' THIS is what COMES from making FUCKING DANCE SINGLES. If they were POLITICALLY SOUND WHINERS in DOC MARTENS then this NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED. There's only one thing for it: PUT JAMES BROWN BACK IN. ELVIS SLAG