PUMP UP D'ANGELO

Rip It Up, Issue 167, 1 June 1991, Page 32

PUMP UP D'ANGELO

Some call it “Beastiality”, others call “Sex between consenting mammals”. I wonder what the SPCA would call it. I wonder what TVNZ would say if they knew one of their newsreaders had an unnatural attachment to something small and furry. I wonder because I have no idea what their newsreaders are into, but it’s a helluva way to hook your interest ... TV3's BELINDA TODD doesn't like VANILLA ICE. So what? | bet if the record company advertised on 3 she wouldn't say that. What is it with 3's “Support TV3 by supporting our advertisers” campaign? | don't get it, perhaps they've forgotten they're a COMMERCIAL TELEVISION STATIONZ? | suppose considering the money they've lost they're not doing too well - at being commercial but they're hardly

a TV version of Student Radio are they? I'll support niche broadcasting when | see it but TV3 is a'business. Like all good businesses their aim is to make BIG BUCKS for the shareholders. If they can’t do that then tough luck, that's capitalism for you, This “Support TV3 ..." campaign smacks of desperation, and is sure to bounce back on them (like those rather stupid Telecom ads). ' Last month’s column bounced back on me. I'm sorry if | gave out any misleading signals. I'm not old and past it, really. Honestly, | do know what's going on in today’s world. I'm hip to the latest trend. Okay, so | missed one that everyone else has been tipping. It's not that big a deal. It's only MARRIAGE, it's not like anyone important is doing it anymore. Sure, it was hot at Christmas time but who’s doing it now? Only fat ugly women, and men who can’t get it regular any other way. Like all things trendy you've got to be in at the beginning, especially

something like marriage. If you want to be really hip then do what PAUL and HINE have done: announce your engagement but don’t actually get married. These two are so cool they've actually gone one further and got themselves preggers. Whether that speeds up or slows down the wedding we've yet to see. Maybe they've already married secretly ... | suppose I'd better admit the truth. No sense in getting exposed the way COLIN-HOGG was. (Incidently it was a typo, the letter referred to COLUMN ‘HOG, sporadic MONITOR contributor). No | haven't been buying PENTHOUSE, but | was treating women as sex objects. But not any more. .. In a vain and (yes, | admit it now) pathetic attempt to prove | wasn't old, that | was still hip and happening, | went to the BRIDAL SHOW at the REGENT last month to jump on the trendy MARRIAGE bandwagon. Being DOPER THAN DOPEY | didn't realise that they don't sell brides at these things. Still, it wasn’t a complete waste of time. The crowd was 90 percent female, meaning 80 percent were unattached. Of those, half were ageing matrons, leaving (excluding those obviously under 16) approximately 92 eligible young

women. Working my way through the room, complimentary glass of wine in hand, | attempted to suck in my stomach and exude sensitivity. It wasn’t easy. | tried showing my feminine side by cooing at the dresses as they came out but that only served to alienate me further. The designs were stunning but they WEREN'T: TRADITIONAL. The mums had brought their daughters to marvel at lacey white linen but instead were served something in SNOT GREEN! i Changing tack (no pun intended) | mumbled something about the dresses being nice but not really what I'd like to see at my wedding. This engendered knowing smiles from the mothers. Having broken the ice | decided to go for broke: sadly telling the story of how my wife had died during our first year of marriage, how | had sold our house and was now ready to get on with life again, having been a social recluse during the 12 months since my wife had died, throwing myself into my work on Cancer Research at the DSIR. Never mind how my bogus wife died (I could’ve taken to her with an axe or something) the matrons were soon throwing their daughters at me. Dizzy with apparent success | blew it by suggesting to one PRETTY YOUNG THING that it being a bridal show and all, we could nip upstairs and check out

UPPERS

Bezerk”by Sonof Bezerk. Produced by the Bomb Squad, this iswhat PE would sound like if they overlooked is the complilation Pagan ina Pagan Land 2, if only for thesublime remix of Straw People’s ‘One Good Reason’. HOT TICKET: ACDClivein Auckland in November. Oneof the few rock bands 'l bangmy head for (the last was Twisted promoter can get the money to pay. thedepositt - HOT ACT: Performing nightly at STILETTO's is stripper TIFFANY (not the one on the telly, more's the

the HONEYMOON SUITE. . .. =~ - They must be breeding them smarter out in the suburbs: there was a time = - when they’d drop to their knees for a - - smooth worldly wise sophisticate such as myself. Those days were gone ... . - - perhaps it was time now to dispense - - with that 70s charm and become a * - New Man Of The 90s. Resolving to .. - remove my “TO ALL YOU VIRGINS: - THANKS FOR NOTHING!” bumper sticker as soon as | got home, | felt like - a New Man already. 0o - Suitably “cleansed”, | positioned - " " myself front row centre and awaited - the Lingerie Parade . ... ;- i - Speaking of lingerie, KLYME tells me he’s bringing out a range of HIP-HOP - UNDERWEAR for his TRIBAL ~ -~ = ARMOUR shops. Latest outlet is =~ . - - BASSLINE RECORDS in O’Connell - Street. I'm not sure what Hip-Hop - underwear looks like but | look = forward to finding out. It’s probably - something MC OJ & RHYTHM SLAVE wear. Gy s i A SR R . Something those YOUNG TEEN -IDOLS arentwearingarethe - © - condoms they rap about in their latest - hit ‘Body Rhymes - Protect Yourself'. The two were caught out on BFM's |, the Jury show. When asked if they “wore condoms when HAVING SEX the two took a very long pause (they . - - giggled alot actually) before finally .. ”m%*mw‘y‘%’%”%yfwww%“"’f”“’””"w‘W‘@”“‘W@ JB would say) shake her money - - maker. Forextra fun bring the whole “gang,“and havea smashingétime. | _HOT BOD: Badass CHUCK Bby day,and LILCHARLENEDy. night, who won the Drag Queen _competition at the DRAGBALL st Queen's Birthday weekend? How did he manage to win? Let's st say bl vy the s, phinphemawinnng performanceduringthe preliminaries. Work itoutfor, yourselveshoneys. HOT VID: Futurof Funk by ‘Nuffsaid. .

DOWNERS

OLD PEOPLE: they _the queues at McDonalds, unable SoommdaEeEL

answering: Yes, of course. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, maybe they hesitated ‘cos they aren'’t getting any sex! Better yet, they hesitated ‘cos they thought the question meant did they use condoms when they were having sex! No, that can't be it — | know they're Good Keen Kiwi Boys, my mother told me. | was up at DTMs the otherday to see NICOLE MATSUDA play. Now there’s an interesting band. They play upfront righteous dance music the equal of anything foriegn yet haven't been signed to alabel. Also strange is that NICOLE stands at the back as if she’s just the backing singer. Occasionally the boys let her out front to do a song, and that's when the show really pumps. ; FELINE were putting on their fashion show that night also, and for a moment | thought I'd acheived my life’s dream as flash bulbs popped — I'd made it into MOREix>'s papparazzi pages!!! Sadly I was mistaken, it was only someone from MONITOR. | could fell he was from MONITOR because he was using a “creative” angle: he was crouched at my feet and shooting up my nostrils. Thank god I'd remembered to pluck the nose hairs before going out that night. : NICK D’ANGELO to decide whether they can afforda Hamburger ora Cheeseburger. superannuation! Where have they been all their lives? This is the 90s electricity. Their problems willall beoverby summer. TRAFFIC POLICE: Weall know how much brainsit takestobea Police officer. Those thatdon't make the grade usually try out for the Trafic Department. Now the combine the two. Why don'tthey well? They're full of guyswho always really wanted to be Traffic b, b

D'ANGELO