THE 100 YEAR’ ARRYMANAC

Rip It Up, Issue 100, 1 November 1985, Page 15

THE 100 YEAR’ ARRYMANAC

1886: Herbs and Howard Morrison come out of the bush (Bic Flicks flaming) and stop fighting the white man and play music to him. 1887: Hello Sailor formed. 1888: Andrew Fagan born. See girls, ’e’s not really 21. 1889: 89 fuckwits vote 89 times and make The Wall No.l of all 89 favourite albums. 1890: Bicycle invented - Auckland Walk video follows. 1891: Unknown covers band called the Narcs starts first residency. 1892: Wrong station - go back on your dial. 1893: Bryan Staff opens up XS (maybe his gravestone should read the same). 1894: “Schoolboys aren’t supposed to smoke.” WALLOP. Johnny Volume meets Stu. 1895: Boring! 1896: “Hey, let’s make a dollar and form the All-Stars!” 1897: Elton John’s first tour. 1898: New Music Management still advertising bands that ’ave been split for three years. 1899: Hello Sailor split. 1900: Turn of the century and a new leaf. 90 per cent of NZ musicians give up drinking and are not seen at the pub for one day. Sunday, that is. 1901: Pop Mechanix find more money driving cabs in Sydney than playing music. 1902: Warwick Agar gets new ’aircut, new band and tries again. 1903: What can you say that’s grim enough about Mi-Sex?

1904: Historical date. Roger Shepherd finally settles for 45 South. 1905: Yeah, that’s A Shona Laing song ... 1906: Still Dragon on ... 1907: Citizen Band go to pieces. Just like the salami at their delicatessen. 1908: Hammond Gamble first plays the Gluepot. How much can Ponsonby take? 1909: Corless sees a buck and reforms Auckland Walk. Tries rigging everything again but once bitten, twice shy. 1910: The Penknife Glides - but the critics’ arrows fly - shows you what we can do mate. 1911: Unfortunate local sets record for waiting to get served at the bar at the Gluepot. ’E started queuing three years and seven months ago. 1912: Car invented, crash follows: “Aha! Let’s form a band.” 1913: Elton John’s second tour. 1914: World War I. Most of the country’s musicians are called up to serve their country but after medical examinations are all given taxi chits and told to piss off home. 1915: Mockers start selling records to this age group 1916: And this age group 1917: Ah, not this age group, they’ve graduated. 1918: “18? Hey, we can sneak into that club and pretend we’re 20!” _ 1919: “God, is what mm and coke does to you? I

keep seeing that date twice!” 1920: Hello Sailor reform. 1921: Warwick Agar gets new ’aircut, new band and tries yet again; 1922: First Sweetwaters. o Mind the cabbage trees. Hey, I mean that. 1923: Boring. 1924: The King is dead. Long live the queens (see 1926). 1925: Mark Phillips and Peter Urlich start up 60 year club. 1926: Who the hell was Jeff Clarkson anyway? 1927: Overzealous and overweight Toy Love fan tries acrobatics from the chandelier at the Windsor. Result? Guess .. but where there’s no brain there’s no pain anyway. 1928: Unknown covers band called the Narcs write an original song. 1929: Hello Sailor go to the States. Different country, same white powder. 1930: The Great Depression. Children’s Hour take inspiration. 1931: Let them eat valium. 1932: More Depression - hey this could be inspiration. 1933: Maybe not. 1934: Try more valium. 1935: Or perhaps a war ... no, leave it for a few years. 1936: Hello Sailor split again. 1937: Benny Levin gets his last ’aircut. 1938: Simon Grigg follows. 1939: World War II started by former Spelling Mistakes guitarist. 1940: Christ, they’re invading Britain! No, not the Chills

1941: John Belushi stars as Dave McLean in great new comedy movie. 1942: C’mon Adolf, will you do something about this Hello Sailor problem? . 1943: The war is still on - hey, those were my posters! 1944: Britain invades . i Germany, Sheerlux invade the Windsor, trendies invade everywhere. 1945: My God, the War’s over - no more posters over mine, eh!? 1946: Boring! 1947: Chris Knox arrested outside the Windsor for saying fuck. 1948: C’mon Benny, not Elton John again? 1949: Walt Disney casts Peter Pan after seeing a photo of Martin Phillipps. 1950: Texas Rangers and Billy and the Blue Flames start rockabilly revival five years before it is even invented. 1951: Oh no, not again ... yes, Hello Sailor are back. 1952: Body Electric play Weightwatchers Festival - nearly as bad as the Diehards doing a gig for Alcoholics Anonymous. 1953: DD Smash play disorderly conduct festival in Wellington. 1954: Simon Grigg goes to the UK. Hmm, who can I call ‘Baldy* now? 1955: Dave Dobbyn fires entire band. “Hey, look at me guys!” 1956: Mike Corless gets into “home movies”. 1957: Good year for the roses and flowers in general - Sons In Jeopardy form. 1958: Herbs start playing

farewell gig. 1959: Bryan Staff still releasing compilations of hopeless Auckland bands. 1960: Verlaines enter Guinness Book of Records under ‘Worlds Silliest Record’. Subhead: “Why would anyone want to say ‘Verlaine’ so many bloody times?” 1961: Warwick Agar still spending a fortune on coiffeurs and getting absolutely nowhere. 1961: ’Arry born - Steinie invented. 1963: “I’ll say I’ll cry if it’s not Steinie Blue, if it’s not Steinie Blue, if it’s not Steinie Blue ...” is No.l. 1964: Chris Knox again arrested outside the Windsor for saying fuck, but gets off on an excuse that he’s got kids now. Obviously he’s not all talk. 1965: Bollocks to that - promoter arrested for bearing his and a few other things while taking a leak at the cricket match. 1966: Ray Columbus appears on C’mon - or was it Tony Drumm? 1967: Proud Scum set fire to the Windsor again. 1968: ’Arry meets the same 15 people he will write about for the rest of his life. 1969: RWP starts new trend in live concerts, telecast and albums to follow. Nice idea, shame about the bands. 1970: After another turkey album Jordan Luck says Goodbye (even though he’s blue) and heads towards Grafton bridge. 1971: Blam Blam Blam, Newmatics and Screaming *

Meemees tour country. Now none of the vans go. ’ ; - 1972: Oh God, Hammond Gamble still playing the Gluepot. How much can Ponsonby take? 1973: Now that singer from Odyssey (remember?) is still living in a time warp - : so’s the rest of Christchurch. 1974: Narcs discover they can ski better than write their own songs. 1975: The Henchmen still haven’t got anywhere. 1976: Hello Sailor split again (bit like Coronation Street, eh?). 1977: Punk rock surfaces again, and again, and again in NZ. 1978: 49 years later unknown covers group called Narcs write a whole original album. Gosh, what talent! 1979: Herbs finish playing farewell gig. Missing from venue are half the ashtrays and the boss’s car. 1980: Barry Jenkin fired from IZM, RWP. Takes up doing voice-overs for TV ads for everyone except the" f Ministry of Transport. 1981: Class of 81 - everyone flunks. 1982: Nick Hansen finally realises he can’t sing. 1983: Toilets at XS still getting smashed. Obviously so are the punters. 1984: Dawn of the club band - play three times and split. 1985: Arry off - seeya. mate.