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Rip It Up, Issue 99, 1 October 1985, Page 8

THE RATBAG GUIDE TO MAKING YER OWN ROCK VIDEO IN NZ • Step 1: Don’t use TVNZ unless you want shots of yourself catching inter-island ferries and standing around in the wind on the deck, instead of doing what musicians really do and 'eading straight for the bar. • 2: Don't use Chris Knox either, unless you want 50 different view of cabbage trees in the wind and 'ome movies of Mum, Dad and the kids. Of course it's very arty, but please feel sorry for the viewer and remember boredom doesn't sell. • 3: Don’t do a remake of the Caramello ad with the Shadbolts and Hays of this world showing us just 'ow not to dance. And leave your bloody promoter out of it. • 4: It’s better to let the band be themselves, rather than go overboard on effects. It would be much better to see Steve

Thorpe playing drums with stained brown knife 'andles and Andrew Fagan dressed in the Sou’wester we see him in every day, rather than King Kong gone dayglo. • 5: Don’t go anywhere near Shazam. • 6: It's all very well to don designer threads and 'ave lots of shadows and pictures of clouds everywhere and try and look like you’re from overseas, but you'll need four ’its off your album before anybody turns up to see you at the pub. • 7: If you do wish to be consistent with low-budget TVNZ productions don’t forget the scene with all the fellas driving round in the car, eh. • 8: If you’re going to use a reoccuring “symbol”, try not to pick one that looks like a Vicks cough drop. • 9: Throw your guitarist off the roof of Brooklyn. • 10: Give everyone in the band sticks and bang everything in sight (including

the Mrs). • 11: Don’t make one if you’re the Chills because they'll never show it anyway. • 12: Use strobe lighting like the 89FM ad and bugger Radio With Pictures, they’ll show it on the 6.30 News. (Epilepsy my foot!) • 13: Show old footage of the Vietnam War and riots in Britain. It doesn’t matter if it's got nothing to do with the song, people will still like it. • 14: Do lots of kneeslides (just like Duran Duran), wave your heads backwards and forwards while singing (just like Duran Duran), look like you’re advertising pinky bars (just like Duran Duran) and generally look like prize prats... • 15: If you have absolutely no creative ideas at all, then just go into the studio and mime along. But do it the way the Scavengers used to and drink three bottles of whisky first. Do try not to be sick. ARRY