The Mystery Train Comes to Town

Radio Record, Volume VI, Issue 29, 27 January 1933, Page 2

The Mystery Train Comes to Town

An Original C omedy Sketch Specially Written. for Broad casting vee BY

yor A? i said to my friend the stationmaster only the other day-"Take these mystery trains." "Well, mystery trains are quite all tight so far as they go, but the trouble-is they all vo one.way-that

is from city to country-which.I think you will agree is very untatr'te our respected country cousins. After all, residents in the country are as'much entitled to have a little amusement provided for them on Sun-

days as anyone else. . * You know, after they’ve milked the cows on Sunday morning, read the Weekly News, chased Barney, the pet bull; out of the pumpkin. patch a couple of times, cursed the weather report, and conducted the weekly hunt through the bank pass-book for a credit balance, which is never there, it must be very difficult indeed to fill in the rest of the day until milking time comes round again. Something really should be done about it, and I’m pleased to say I’ve done it. Yes, I am pleased to announce that I have slipped in ahead of the mystery train merchants, and to-night I ask you to join the Higgins family in the first mystery excursion from country to cityWhangaparaurau to-well, see if you can guess -. where.

-Guard: All aboard! (Bell-train moves off.) _ Mum (Coughs.): Well, ’ere we are, all aboard the old misery train to the great big city. My, look at them sparks shootin’ out of that there engine chimney. Oh! Dad, that reminds me, did I turn the ‘iron off afore we left? Dad: There y’ar-spoilin’ a bloke’s day first pop. Of course you turned the iron off, an’ let me tell you, if you see a waterfall to-day, fergit it-you . turned the tap off over the sink. An’ if yer sees anything else that reminds you of somethin’ else you might have forgotten to do afore you left’ ome, weli, take it from your long-suffering husband you did it.’ © What ’ave you brought to eat? Mum: Oh. ’Exe’s some nice saveloys. "Ave one? Loe Dad: Thanks. Ask grandpa if: he’d like one. Jfum: Grandpa, would you like a saveloy? Grandpa: Eh? Mum: Wouid you like a saveloy? Grandpa: I don’t want to. "Mum: Don’t want to what? ' Grandpa: Jump for joy. My rheumatiz is plaguin’ me. .... Mum: Oh, don’t be so hard of ‘earingish. What aré you goin’ to do now? ’Ave a shooze?

Grandpa: No. I’m goin’ to’ ave a snooze. Mum: That’s what 1 said. Are you goin’ to ‘ave @ snooze? Grandpa: Oh! I thought you said was I goin’ to ’ave a snooze. ATum: Oh! Grandpa, "don’t. be so ochamadiddy. Well, Dad, I

wonder where the train's coin’ W Dad: Yer might as wéll ask me where this saveloy came from. They're both a proper mystery. ’Allo, young Bill, w’at’s that yer readin’ ? Bill: Oh, Dad, this is a pam-

phlet the guard gave to at Whangaparaurau to tell where were goin. ‘> Mum: Oh, I say. Read‘it, Bill; and see if we can pick where it is. Bill (reads): Ahem. Where are we going? ‘A beautiful city with

a name of ten letters, meaning not so bad to those who like it, and not so good as Auckland to others. No visitor to this wonderful city will miss seeing its magnificent har-hour-unless he’s blind. For directions to find his harbour: Keep walking until you come to the water. Don’t ask the small boys the way, as small boys in this city know as little about water as they do in other cities. This wonderful harbour has been in the family for years, the. residents having found it an excellent place for disposing of old safety razor blades and family photograph albums. Ships also appear ori this hatbour at rare intervals-in fact, too rare, according to our waterside friends, who ge ‘ down to the sea to unload ships. As one drinks in 4 the beauty of this wonderful harbour Grandpa: He finds it salty. He! He! He! Dad: Go to sleep, Grandpa, and you won’t enjoy your own jokes so much, Go on, Bill. Bill: He finds it hard to believe that this beauti-.

ful harbour was once the cause of a fatal tragedy. A patriotic citizen declared that it was the best harbour south of the Line, but he forgot when he said it that he was in Sydney. The topography of this city is very flat, except for the high range of hills known as the Town Belt to the north-and to the south-and to the east-and to-the west. ~ Mum: Hum-regular flat like a billiard table. Dad: Yes, with knobs on, by the sound Rit. Bill: The climate is excellent except at gertiain times of the year, when the atmosphere over thé city becomes bluish with-hot air and sulphur. This period of the vear is known to the residents as the session. There are other names for it, too. As béfits the capital city of New Zealand- _ — " Mum: Ah! There’s a claw, Dad. I mean a clue. Where’s the capital of New Zealand? Dad :Capital of New Zealand? Its in England -every penny of it, and we’re paying the financiers interest on it, too. Mum: Oh, :dear, Dad... Can’t. you ‘forget your financeology for once an’ let’s enjoy ourselves? Go

OM, ‘Bill. * Bill: Further information regarding this city may be obtainiéd from the auide who will meet’ the train on arrival, and’ escort visitors touittd the sights. © Mun: Um; a regular tied up in a (Continued: on page 24.)

The Mystery Train Comes ta "Town

(Continued from’ page 2.)

hair o’ mystery. Oh, well, The ecat’ll be out of the fire soon, ’cos we're runnin’ into the station now, come on; let’s be ready to get off. Put yer ’at on, Grandpa, and don’t get yer whiskers caught. under the wheels, Wipe yer nose Bill, an’ wait till the train stops afore you get off, "Ave you got the lunch basket, Dad? Oh, dear, I’m all of a dithery tremble, ‘Ere, is my ’at on straight? Dad: ’Course it is, Aum: ‘Well, it shouldn't be-silly. It’s one of the latest. Oh: ’Bre we are, ‘Ere we are. Mum: Can you see that lead kindly light cove anywhere, Dad, that they said would be waitin’ to show us the sights? Guide: Here I am, madam, at your service. One perfectly good guide provided for you by courtesy of our benevolent City Fathers. Mum: Well, bein’. a woman I ¢ean’t stand the suspenses any longer. Wot’s the name of the place we’ve come to? "Dad: My cripes. Mum, can’t you see for yourself... It’s WELLINGTON! Guide: Correct Mr. Higgins, and how did you guess that? Now don’t spring that one about noticing the pedestrians put their hands to their hats when they go round the corners. Mum: And why shouldn’t he, indeed? Guide: It’s been said once before, and there’s no encores for that gag in Wellington. Come, let’s do a hike. Grandpa: Here, stop him; _ stop him! He’s got our lunch basket. Mum: Goodness, Grandpa, he only said, "Let’s do a hike." Grandpa: Oh: I thought he said "do a miké," Bill: I don’t think much of. their station, Dad, It’s not as good as AucktandDad: Now then, young Bill, don’t start a riot as soon as you get 'ere. Hold your brother Etherbert’s hand while we cross the road. Mum: Yes, that’s a very controversial point. You'll. find it takes more’ than a handsome station to make a great city. Dad: Yes, wait till you see the carillon. ‘ Grandpa: Yes, wait till you see the carillon. ; Mum: Yes, wait till you see the earillion. Guide: Yes, that’s right, people. Wait till you see our carri-yong. Dad: Aw. Go on, mate. You win. Carry on. ' Guide: Well, will you please hike aboard this lorry, which the City Council has generously placed at my disposal to -run you round the sights. We- could have had the steam roller. but one of the councillors has borrowed it to run home to lunch in. ’ Grandpa: Ah. More joyriding at the ratepayers’ expense, This joyriding about by people ought to be stopped in these hard times. Guide: Yes. Grandpa. That would sort of put them on their feet again. Wouldn't it? Come on, let’s be going. Guide: Well, folks. here we are-first stop-the administrative centre of New Zealand. On our right we have the Citizens’ War Memorial. Mum: What's that green stain down it? Guide: That, madam, is Art. Bill: Well, T dunno, Dad, but it looks to me more likeDad: Shrrup, Bill. You'll — start something if you bring that up.

Guide: On my left we have the Government Buildings-the LARGEST wooden building in the world. Grandpa: Oh, bigger than that, surely. I ’ad a brother once worked in the Government Buildings, but he got the sack. Guide: Oh, no you don’t, Grandpa. You want me to say why did he get the sack, and then you say he snored so loud that he woke all the others up. Then we all laugh ha! ha! ha! he! he! he. Well, let me tell you one. You see that nice marble building up there? Grandpa: Yes. Guide: Well, there’s a nice job for four years for clever old chaps like you if you can persuade enough people to strike out the other chaps’ names. Grandpa: And what job would I be doing up there? Guide: Making talkies. | Grandpa: That’s no good to me. Vd rather have a life sentence in the nextdoor place. Guide: And what job could you be doing there? Grandpa: Making sleepies. Guide: Oh, and you go young, Grandpa. Come on, let’s be going. * % * Guide: Well, here we are-second stop-our bank. This you will find a capital place of interest. In fact,’ one of the principal institutions of the country on which our prosperity depends. Why, folks, if this bank goes off the gold standard to-morrow the country goes on the water wagon. Do you notice that peculiar breeze? That's the overdrafts tormenting their victims. Dad: Wot!. Do they keep ovetdrafts here? . Guide: Keep overdrafts? Why, Mr. Higgins, if all the overdrafts in that hank were placed on end they’d reach from here ‘to bankruptcy. Some day you must come down for one of our special farmers’ half-price banking days, A free cheque-book given away with every overdraft. Mum: Yd rather come down on washing day when they’re pegging out their exchanges. Guide: Madam. This is a real bank, not a pakapoo bank in the back-room of a Chinese laundry. Bill: What’s that fishy smell, mister? Guide: Vhat, my’ hoy, is the directors cooking the accounts for the next meeting of shareholders. Come on. let's be going. * * Guide: Here we are. Third lap. The heautiful Mount Victoria. The wind may be a little strong, and you will require to hang on by your teeth. And let me say, Grandpa, for those who have no teeth, teeth will be supplied by courtesy of the Pearly White Dental Construction Co. Ltd. Grandpa: He! He! He! Guide: Now then, Grandpa. It’s no joke being without teeth, by gum. Hie! he! he! Listen to them there winds howling. They say it never rains but: it pours. In Wellington they say it never blows but it ROARS.

But don’t you believe it. Why, some days in Wellington it’s so still you couldn’t even take a moving picture. Well, here we have the beautiful city laid out before us. Grandpa: Yes. So it ought to-be. Guide: Ought to be what, Grandpa? Grandpa: Laid out. It looks quite dead. It’s not half as busy as AuckMum: Oh, Grandpa, stop it. How many times have I told you comparasols are’ amphibious? W’at’s that white ribbon-looking thing over there? Guide: That, madam, is the famous Hutt Road. Billi: Gee! What sould that road look like, mister, if all the motor-cars and motor buses in Wellington were stretched out on it one after another? Guide: Sunday afternoon, William, my boy, or race day. See that wonderful mansion over there? That’s the magnificent house built by Frank Crowther from his huge earnings in radio.. And you see that palatial mansion standing in its own ground with a high fence round it? ‘That’s the home erected by the Government for Will Yates as a token of the public appreciation of his performances over the air. Grandpa: But ‘ere, young feller. The lorry driver just told me that was the gaol. Guide: Yes. It’s the same thing, Grandpa, same thing. Come on, let’s be going. ° me. & = Guide: And now here we are at the doors of the institution which for a small sum brings brightness to thousands of homes in New Zealand. Grandpa: Don’t tell me the answer. I can guess. It’s a boot-polish factory. Mum: Oh, Grandpa, where’s yer radio instinct? It’s 2YA. Can’t yer smell the statics and the bad programmes we read all about? Guide: Correct, madam. Now just one moment and I'll search you for dangerous weapons before: we go in. Mum: Is it necessary to be so partiklish? Guide: Oh, yes? only. the other day 4 masked man entered the studio flourishing a revolver. Fortunately. ‘however, the saxophone player from the orehestra had just left the pre mises. .Well, let’s see if there’s anyone at home. (Knocks, and door opens.) Station Director: Good afternoon, everybody. And what can I do for you? Guide: Qh, sorry to interrupt your Sunday afternoon browse among the highbrows, but. these listeners from Whangaparaurau would like to look over the premises and meet some of the staff-Uncle Jasper and Auntie Mollie. Station Director: I’m very sorry to announce that with the exception of myself the whole staff, box and dice, left this morning by the mystery train for Whangaparaurau for the purpose of relaying the first annual grumble of the Boys of the Butter Fat Brigade. Good afternoon. (Slam.) Mum: Well now, wot do you know about that? We must ’ave passed

them coming down. That’s the worst of these mystery trains. One ’alf of: the world doesn’t know where the r other ’alf’s goin’ on Sunday morning.’ Bill: Oh, I: dunno, Mum, My . Sunday school .teacher says she knows where they’re: goin’. Mum: Dry -up, Bill. Come on, ‘let's leave the lorry and hike for the train, Good-bye, old. Guide Fawkes, thanks for the buggy ride. Come on, Dad. Goodness, Grandpa, whatever's. the matter with you? Grandpa: I’m disappointed, -I wanted Auntie Mollie to see my peggy squares. Mum: Oh, don’t be so petuliant, Grandpa. I'll tell her not to call your birthday next time if you don’t behave. Here we are at the station-just in time. Jump in here-sit down there, Grandpa-and you there, Bill.g Dad and me’ll sit here. Phew. quite enough misery trip for one ayy. Guard: All aboard!