ARCHIBALD ON RADIO UNCLES

Radio Record, Volume V, Issue 26, 8 January 1932, Page 11

ARCHIBALD ON RADIO UNCLES

By

BERTRAM

POTTS

With Illustrations by THE AUTHOR

i ’AVEN’T ’ad much experience with uncles, so I claims to be free of bias. There’s four chief kinds of avuncular relative: The Radio Uncle, what yer ’ears but never sees; the Rich Uncle, hat yer never ’ears and _ttever sees; the Ordinary ncle-poor, but ’onestwhat nobody can get rid off; and "Uncle," what ’as the shon and takes what ver

wants ter get rid of-sometimes! There's less popular types what visits yer in disguise-like the carbuncle! The Radio Uncle, then, is a member of a shady family takin’ things all round! I always thinks there must be somethin’ wrong with Radio Uncles, because they ’aunts the innards of yer set and is ’eard only in the evenin’s about the time that slugs and burglars is gettin’ ready for work. Why does ’e lurk where cobwebs is and make a noise at night? Per’aps ’e ’as a warty nose and is a fearsome fright! Cock-eyed, bow-legged, with cuddy lugs, with nose what signals red, Flat-footed, bald, and ’ammer-toed, with knobs upon "is ’ead! A scare-crow struck by thunderbolt, what shuns the light of day, But rides at night on witches broom to watch the giants play! "Neath cabbage patch, where fairies frisk, I’ll spy out for meself, And see tf Radio Uncles prance and cakewalk like an elf! I borrows the butcher’s ’orse at the week-end and rides into the country to ponder if anythin’ can’t be done for the Radio Uncle, for ’e deserves ver svm-

pathy, even though ’e must be a disappointment to "is teacher what taught ’im grammar and thought ’e might grow up a useful citizen! Sometimes I’ve thought I’d like to be a Radio Uncle meself, and "ave nothin’ to do all

Gay except ave a oliday, but I ain’t got no influence! If I wasn’t so ndsome, I might get a job-but me chance is comin’! ’Ow do I now ?-because I studies ’ow the wind blows to see which way the cat’ll jump. Radio Uncle is doomed, because I ’ave seen the shadow cast by the writin’ on the wall. And I’m practisin’ to be the new type of Radio Uncle-and I'll be the only one available! ’Ave the Radio Uncles thought what television means? The kids what listens will see them and realise what they really is, and they’ll ’ave to talk from be’ind a curtain! But I knows kids-I used’ to be one-and when Uncle Archibald appears on the televiddle they'll ’ave a great time! L’ll juggle eggs and balance kegs and swallow pegs and knot me legs, And ride on bikes with barkin’ tikes among big spikes and swallow pikes! Pll do some tricks with ducks and chicks, and do "igh kicks and balance bricks, , And swing some clubs and wrestle cubs, and train some grubs from native shrubs! Swing up and down and act the clown, fall on me crown, and pull a frown; Pll dance on skates, jump over gates and into crates what’s full of plates!

Pll put on kilts what's made from quilts, gulp swords and hilis and skip on Stilts; Ill knock down ‘wes, escape from gyves, and throw some knives and do "igh dives, , And smash a chain and lift a@ crane, and entertain with might and main, ~~ And I enjoys to give out toys what makes a noise for girls and boys!

Could any Radio Uncle to-day do all that? No! In between the items I intends to ’elp parents by showin’ the kids in me own funny way how to make their shoes shine and wash their necks with a laugh! ie order to practise these stunts I starts trampin’ to get me muscles to show signs they exists. It was ’ot and sunny when I sets off, but was rainin® ell for leggin’s when I comes back like a drowned rarebit. I tries to get 2 iob as a blacksmith. ;

but the Society for the Preservation of Radio Uncles must ’ave got wind of me scheme and bribed the man to refuse me! Anyways, I practises at ’ome to juggle eggs, but I ’ad a accident when [ stands on the cat’s tail and lets a egg suicide on me pate!

Now, throwin’ knives at doors is quite expensive, The blades snaps off, the panels all gets oles, And when I’d smashed the clock, it makes me pensive, The stilts was far too weak-the curtain poles! And when I skates into the kitchen dresser And sits among the wreck of plate and cups, The missus boots me, says I’m just a messerMe poor old life is full of downs and ups! _ Mostly downs! She says she don’t want to discourage me ‘froma a Radio Aunt, so she ’ands me the bread knife and asks me to

try sword-swallowin’ tor a change!

Your in sadness.

ARCHIBALD