ARCHIBALD'S TOAST to RADIO

Radio Record, Volume V, Issue 23, 18 December 1931, Page 8

ARCHIBALD'S TOAST to RADIO

By

BERTRAM

POTTS

Illustrated by the Author

WISHES to thank the editor of the "Radio Record" for givin’ me the toast to propose of "Radio" at this Christmas function, a honour which I appreciates. It is a good job that this toast ’as come early on the program, or me sparklin’ wit might fizzle out with the fizzin’ of the sparklin’ champagne! I ain't forgot the Christmas parties in the days

gone by, When I was just a chubby chap and worshipped pork and pie, And munched and crunched the grand old grub, and aever said "Tm done!" And always found a vacant place for one more sugar bun! I tucked in turkey and the tart, the fritters and the fruit, The juicy giblets, cheese and cake-with pockets full of loot! I wolfed the junket, jelly, the haggis and the hash, * And after duff and ginger beer=-I knew there was a clash! ‘And, oh, the spasms, stings, and stabs, the shootiw pains and aches, When twitches followed stitches, and when quivers followed quakes! And how I said "No more! No more!’’-but soon was once again Devourin’ sloes and parson’s nose with blinkin’ might and main! Radio, folks, is one of the unknown sciences, nobody never ‘avin’ seen the ether waves, not even with a telescope, stereoscope. or periscope! All we knows to-day is that if yer presses a button the music pops out-just as if it was real! Scientists ’ope someday to find out where the music comes from-and why. Modesty forbids me to mention the names of a scientist, what is investigatin’ the theory that a aeroplane rushing 200 miles a hour through a symphony cuts it up so that it falls down into yer loudspeaker as jazz-a big improvement. (Applause and hoots.) Many a night ’e ’as wandered into the big onen snaces.wrestlin’

with this problem, thinkin’, thinkin’ what might ‘appen if a _ Radio Uncle’s wheezy song ricochetted and skidded | on the rings of Saturn! Would it split the atom? Could the universe still go on as if nothin’ ’ad ’appened, and ’ow to eave it-nai fearful task

and responsibility for one pair of ’ands. (Cries of shame!) Yer sees, therefore, that the effects of Radio goes farther than yer knows. People walkin’ past yer ’ouse ears the music, takes fresh ‘eart and courage, and yer never knows the good yer does! The music goes into countin’ouses, where gloomy clerks studies the figures in the ledgers; they takes a fresh ’old on life, smiles, and studies the figures of the office flappers! Just look at all the joy yer makes when twiddlin’ round a knob; The thug that wants to rob a bank turns ’omewards with a sob; The widow left with sixteen kids just laughs and laughs again;

The dentist ’aminers in is drills and never feels the pain! Appendicitis patients laugh when tickled on the spot, And married’ men what gets the sack just dance a gay gavotte, ¥ While children cryin’ out for bread just play at makin’ cakes; And «folks knocked down by motor-cars ignores their pains aan neiipel

The candidate what comes a thud admits the best man won; The slecpless boarder countin’ fleas will greet them one, by one! The man what wins the thousand quid cheers up and says "I’m glad!" And College boys when short of dough speaks kindly to thew Dad! And men what likes to thrash their wives don’t beat them quite so long; And wrestlers tied up in a knot smiles when they ’ears the gong! And writin’ blokes what gets no cheques receives fresh ’eart again, While traffic cops sticks by the boys what speeds with might and main! co The copper finds the down-and-out some tucker and a job; So look at all the joy you makes when twiddlin’ round a knob! ATHER CHRISTMAS what once used to give trumpery squeakers and squeakin’ trumpets now gives radio sets, because of the ’appiness for everybody -from the baby what likes to suck the wires to grandpa what sticks ‘is ear into the warblin’s of the soprano and says: "When I was a boy we ’ad no static!" Radio is doin’ the doctor out of a job! -Some folks pays ’undreds of pounds to ‘ave their faces lifted, while radio what costs less can -jift not only sad ’earts and faces, but spirits, too! Folks down in the mouth stops gnashin’ their teeth! Many a broken ’eart caused by a broken engagement ’as been mended by switchin’ on soft music and a bottle of scent! Never get worried or scotty, for Radio is as goo:l as chloroform! Don’t worry if ver angel bride’s a snarler, . And later grows a set of double chins- \ Dowt worry tf the bailiff’s in the parlour Or if the baby turns out to be twins! Don’t worry if yer garden’s chewed by chickens Or if the evenin’ paper’s soaked with rainDon't worry if the wife nags like the dickensJust let the wireless set blare out again! Radio ‘as done more

for mankind than any pills sold at the fair. Radio ’as been known to starve the skeleton in the cupboard and make the canker worm of caré, turn inside out and show the silver linin’. Radio can warm the cockles of the ’eart of the man (Concluded on page 10.) o

Archibald’s Toast (Continued from page 8.)

what ’as always give yer the cold shoulder. Women what ’as sat up knittin’ their brows while waitin’ for their ’usbands ’as switched on the set and started darnin’ socks, too. Folks what ’as got out of the fryin’ pan into the fire ‘as got back into the fryin’ pan again, Many a man what used _ to curse when the man next door played is bagpipes now switches on ‘is radio with a smile! Men what ’as wives what ’arps on the one string now enjoys a string band! If yer ’as been spurned by the girl friend-buy ‘er a new radio valve.’ I was once sat on by a fat woman at a dance. She fell on me! If she'd ‘ad ear phones on she would ’ave ‘eard what I thought of ‘er! I bought meself a new valye-the one in me pocket would ‘owl no more! Many a man by switchin’ on the set ain’t ’eard the rent-man knockin’ or the baby bawlin’! Charge yer glasses. radio folks. *Txve’s ‘Halth to Radio! May its oscillations never ossify or the ether be any other, May the tom-cat’s mew give place to the variable-Mu, and may the push-pull Pentode ever be ’eard at the Old Bull and Bush!Yours with a. hic-cup,

ARCHIBALD.