ARCHIBALD and Television

Radio Record, Volume V, Issue 18, 13 November 1931, Page 9

ARCHIBALD and Television

By

BERTRAM

POTTS

With Illustrations by the Author

I "AVE me doubts about this ’ere television stuff yer reads about these days, me ’avin’ been one of the.pioneer ex‘perimenters in ‘this particular field, not that I ’ad to go into a paddock, me ’avin’ a good shed. No, television ain’t no good, except for paper-angers. I know! Anyways, I would like to tell yer my experience, and -, save yer from wastin’ yer time potterin’ on with a de«lusion and a-snare. In the name of: science, me bein’ a bit of a visionary

meself, I begun experimentin’ on lines quite distinct from that there Macaroni man, who ’as got ’imself into a rut inside a _blinkin’ groove! . a . Yer knows ’ow little things ’as given: birth to big things, which Euclid says is impossible, no ‘part bein’ greater than the ’ole lot. Well, my mind, not bein’ of the circumscribed type, don’t move in ordinary circles, but quite natural like functionates on novel lines. I take a periscope-you know, one of them things what enables yer to take a screw round the corner without goin’ round-a sort of tubal arrangement with lookin’-glasses for lookin’ in. Submarines ’ave one, only they acts a double purpose ‘and lets the bad air out. That’s why submarines ain’t no good in rough weather, for the water splashes into the periscope and drowns the divers. | We, not, I says to meself, prolong the tube for a long distance, miles if necessary, and there yer.are! Now, I lives in Miramar, the beautiful, about six miles from the Government Parliamentary ’Ouse. . Suppose I want to see the Vice-Regal General-open the Parliament without me goin’ to town, I squints into me long periscope and sees ’im fishin’ for the key-’ole to open it. The idea.is so simple, it is surprisin’ nobody never thought of it before. Per’aps me bein’ simple, too, ’elped considerable. Don’t kerosene boxes cost a lot if yer wants plenty of wood to make a periscope? I ’ad to buy ‘about ten boxes, and when the missus sees me breakin’ them up, she says it was time I chopped a bit of wood, she bein’ only a woman,

as the sayin’ is. In the middle of makin’ the periscope, I wishes I ’ad a telephone so I could ’ave rung yer, Mr. Editor, so that yer could be present on such a unique occasion in the world’s ’istory, only I was glad afterwards, as yer would only ’ave been

makin’ a fool of yerself, for I finds that the longer the periscope, the smaller the picture-in fact yer ’ad to ’ave plenty of vision and imagination to see anythin’ at all! Then I realised it was fortunate it was me and not somebody else what ’ad made this discovery, because it might ’ave discouraged them, ~, but not me, me ’avin’ plenty of grit in me constitution, not that I’m a rooster, though I crows a lot at times, believin’ in blowin’ yer own | trumpet as practice makes perfection and I’m fond of music. \ °° I set to work to erect the world’s first practical televisor. Not ’avin’ a blue print, I ’ad to ‘draw me plans on an old blue wallpaper,

but it was awkward when the flowers in the design poked their noses as it were into the soda-siphon and got in the way of the ramrod and bootlast. But, by shiftin’ the flywheel nearer to the bunsen burner I overcome such a minor matter, without intereferin" with the centre of gravity in any way.

Well, after a lot of screwin’ pipes and fixin’ this and that I reckons I ’ad all the necessary gear to enlarge the vision at the end of the periscope. Then the little boy next door took the lookin’-glass out of the end what rested over the fence and it took me ’alf-an-’our to find the meddlin’ monkey! Everythin’ bein’ ready, I carried the gadgets into the sittin’ room -and stoked up the boiler in the set. Old syrup tins ain’t no good, for they leaks when subjected to severe ’eat and are apt to ruin the fair name of science, but I overcome every obstacle, even when the missus took the fire-tongs and the bread-knife out.

But the result was not much good notwithstandin’? my great care. I found, however, that the whistle worked lovely when I pumped air into the tube, but a man gets tired of makin’ a whistle whistle after five minutes or so, more especially when ’is missus ’as no interest in scientific

achievement and keeps bawlin’s out: "stop that blnkin row, wont er?" , * And that kid got off with the mirror again, and when I come back I couldn’t get into the room for the steam that was rushin’ out of the set in every direction. It was a pity I used a packin’ case what we used to keep the coal in, and I ’adn’t enough putty to plug the ’oles up with, but all the same I could see that the television idea was not practical. The whistle was blowin’ like mad, the steam was fizzli in every direction, and the blinkin’ box started to tremble with the fierce pressure. I couldn’t get near it. I climbed on top of the door and poked a stick at one of the knobs, after nearly dislocatin’ me back and shovin’ me foot through the top panel of the door. Still, sacrifices ‘ave to be made for science. Why can’t women see the advantages of achievement and not go crook at irrelevant details like me missus did when she spotted the door busted and the wall-paper peelin’ off the walls, and the boards on the ceilin’ all warped to blazes: They’re to be pitied! MANAGED to disconnect some of the fittings, but ‘not enough. I shut the door, because the steam was fillin’ the rest of the ’ouse, and waited patiently in the kitchen. I knew I wouldn’t ’ave long to wait! ’Alf a minute later the set blew up with a loud report and some of the ’ot parts shot through the window and landed on the ferocious mongrel next door and upset ’is applecart, for as I opened the door of the sittin’ room to see the ruins I spotted the blinkin’ dog rushin’ through the back door into the kitchen after me blood. I ’ad no time to close the door, but dashed through the clouds of steam and through the window. I never ran so ’ard before, and after followin’ me over four fences through neighbours’ gardens it gave up, and it was a long time before I sneaked home with a ’ole skin. The missus, however, was waitin’ for me. It was not the fact that a great experiment had failed, nor the sorry wreck of the sittin’ room, which seemed to give her most concern, it was the fact that the last chapter of her Edgar Wallace novel (Concluded on page 30M,

Archibald on Television (Continued from page 9.) had been blown off and couldn’t be found. Do you know, sir, that in her temper she referred to me as an "addle-pated bungler," forgetful of her promise at the altar to worship me always. No, sir, television ain't what it is eracked up to be. Look how awkward it would be to ’ave periscopes stickigy’ out of every ’ouse and runnin‘ mi over the country. It’s bad enough now ‘avin’ posts every yard or two in the streets ’oldin’ up wires, but to earry thousands of _periscope’ tubes-why, it’s ridiculous. No! Television is all right for paper‘angers, but no good for a man whose wife ‘ates whistles blowin’.