AUNT LIZZIE'S FRIEND

Radio Record, Volume V, Issue 10, 18 September 1931, Page 1

AUNT LIZZIE'S FRIEND

A Comedy in One Act

by

OLIVE

McKENZIE

This play secured third place in the Play Competition held by the "Radio Record" and the "N.Z. Dairy Exporter and Farm Home Journal." Scene: Mrs. Soaring’s drawing-room, a large, dismal room, furnished garishly in red plush suite and much gold embellishment. Several photographic enlargements of heavy-featured men and women about; lace curtains, looped back with gold satin ribbons, and an aspidistra on a stand by window. A small couch on corner L., and several stiff-backed chairs. A great many ornaments everywhere. Discovered-Martha, very untidy of hair and dress, dusting, not very energetically, and singing with great fervour.

Martha (sings): "For I’m dancing with tears in my eyes, For the girl in my ar-r-r-ms isn’t yo-ooo-uu." -Lumme! ’Ow ’e musta loved ’er! (Stands looking soulfully at ceiling. Sighs gustily.) ’Ow fetchin’ ’e musta looked! Real romantic like. (Sighs once more.) Lawks! Ain't love grand! Oh, well, I spose I must hurry -seein’ as ’ow it’s ’er day at ’ome, though wot on earth she wants to ’ave such h’ongoin’s I carn’t think. At ‘Ome Days-Lumme! Lot \giv h’expense for ‘nothink-that’s wot it is! ‘Anyway, who'll be here? Huh! No one but at there "Quite" woman. Says nothink but "Quite-Quite" stand-offish like, and snorts like a paper bag bursting. Huh! Missus thinks ’er real grand, but I dunno-I’ve never seen anyone so unpreprotesting. An’ that Miss Wimple, the vicar’s sister-Lawks! If she wouldn’t give anyone the willies, with ’er red nose (indiscretion, that’s wot ’er trouble is), an’ that way uv lookin’ at you as if she were goin’ to pick threads off yer dress that I carn’t abide-an’ eats like a horse. Huh! Lot uv h’expense, that’s wot it is-expense that they carn’t rightly afford, either. An’ who ’as to meet the tradesmen at the door an’ stand their jaw-huh? Me! Lumme! It ain’t arf a treat, that ain’t! And yet that there Miss Stella! Lawks! (Pushes her nose up in aiv with one finger and walks around grandly.) If h’ever there was an h’upstart in the world it’s’ that one. Lumme! She’s the most infected person I h’ever did see! Give anyone the willies, she would! If that’s wot they call bein’ a lady-weil-I knows a lady when I sees one. Huh! Ishould smile. Now, if they was all like that Aunt Lizzie who’s ’ere just now. My, she’s a treat! There’s a lady if ever there was one! No airs-just as jolly an’ friendly as can be-treats me as if I were a huming being, not a dorg. (Bell rings.) Oh, ring on, do; the missus ain’t at ’ome yet. { Enter Mrs. Soaring. (Martha begins to ~Wolish table vigorously. Sings-"Dancing with tears in my eyes.) Mrs. Soaring: Martha, do you not hear that bell? And not dressed yet. Oh, dear, dear. (Bell rings loudly.) Go and answer it, Martha, at once! Jt may he a caller,

Martha: Not yet, Mum. Probably the man for the instalment on the pianner. Mrs. Soaring: Martha! (Exit Martha.) That girl is becoming impossible. Oh, dear. , Oh, dear-I do hope everything goes off well. : So trying about Lizzie being here this very, afternoon, just when I have succeeded in get ting Mrs. Snobbe-Cranston to call. Really, most trying. (Sighs.) Such a wonderful woman, Mrs. Snobbe-Cranston; knows all the "best" people-so charming. I suppose I was a little foolish to lend her that twenty pounds} it was a lot, certainly, and now I don’t know how I’m going to manage. I wouldn’t dare tell George-he’d be so cross (men are such queer creatures-as Mrs. Snobbe-Cranston says, they have no souls, poor things), but if I can get her to introduce me to her set, itl be well worth it-so nice for Stella. Re-enter Martha: Please Mum, it was the man from the Gas. He says as ’ow ’e’ll cut us orf if the bill ain’t paid. Mrs. Soaring: Has he gone? Martha: Yes, Mum. "Is yer Missus at ‘ome?" ’e asks. "Not ter the likes uv you," I told *im-- . Mrs. Soaring: Very well, Martha, that will do. And just look at the dust on this table. Really Martha, you are the slowest maid I ever had. Never punctual with your work. Martha: Indeed, Mum, an’ you’re wrong. It don’t run in our family to keep anyone waiting. Punctual to the minute, on the tick, is our motto. My sister said "Yes" right straight off the mark when George Smith asked her to be his’n, an’ my brother Joe always slept in the bakehouse for fear uv not being in time to make the morning fire, an’ there was---Mrs. Soaring: That will do, Martha. Now, go at once and get yourself tidied. You know that this is my day at home. Now, hurry. along and do try to make your hair look a little more respectable. Martha (bridling): Respectable! H’indeed! An’ do you mean ter incinerate--Mrs. Soaring: Oh, for goodness sak Martha, go. And do hurry. My guests will be arriving any minute. Go at once! Exit Martha, sulkily muttering: Respect able! Respectable! H’indeed! Mrs. Soaring (Sits on high-backed chai, Fans face with (Continued on page 2),

Oharacters MRS SOARING-a subuyban matron, who és short on cash but long on ambition, and the mother ofSTELLA SOARING-Who is very modern in ° everything, including manners, but fails to impressMARTHA, THE MAIDWho knows a lady when she sees one, as for exampleAUNT LIZZIE, from Titree Gulch, Tussockdale, who is looked upon by her city relations as @ eustic disaster, as is alsoHER FRIEND-Who was interested to meet Mrs. Soaring and her friends, includingMISS CAROLINE WIMPLE -Who ts the Vicars sister, and looks it, andMRS. JEFFERSON-WHITE-Who knits, and is "quite" the lady, andMRS. SNOBBE-CRANSTON-Who moves in charmed circles and knows "the very best’? people

Aunt Lizzie’s Friend

(Continued from page 1.) handkerchief): Oh, dear; oh, dear. That girl will be the death of me. Between her and Lizzie. Oh, dear, it might make all the difference to what Mrs. Snobbe-Cranston will think of usEnter Stella, her daughter, looking bored, and dressed in the ewtreme of shion. Drawis: Hello, old déar, why e maternal frown? Martha been idiotic than usual? Mrs. Soaring: Well, she’s bad enough, goodness knows, but it’s your Aunt Lizzie, that’s worrying me just now. Stella: Why on earth she wanted to leave her beloved Titree Swamp or Horseshoe Gulch, or whatever she calls it, and dump herself on us just at this very. moment I. cannot imagine. It wouldn’t be so bad at any other timewe could have jazzed her off to the z00 or shoved her on to an observation ear. or something, but to-day-Mrs. Soaring: She does look a sketch. Stella: She’s a yell! _ Mrs. Soaring: She’s sure to wear her brown fugiStella: AND her brown beads, PLUS her black ones, DITTO her blue ones. « Mrs. Soaring: And she’ll call me Mag before them all. Oh, what can I do? Stella: And she’ll ask everyone if they are subject to dyspepsia, and then have an orgy of remedies. Have you noticed that Aunt Lizzie always has a remedy for everything? Mrs. Soaring: Oh, dear! Oh, dear! _ Stella: Pretty sickening, all right. We can’t let her spoil our afternoon.

She’s such an absolute yell! Ill tell you-To begin with, tell her to wear something else. : Mrs. Soaring: She hasn’t anything else, except a blue serge, and that, oh, dear, I’m sure Mrs. Noah threw it out of the ark. . It’s worse, much worse. Stella: Worse! Ye gods, is it possible? Mrs. Soaring: Besides, she thinks that brown fugi just beautiful-she told me so, Stella: Ye gods! How frightfully rural! Well, at any rate, tell her to hang a few yards of her beads around the bedpost for a change,Mrs. Soaring: And she'll talk about the cows and the pigs. PIGS, mark you, in my drawing room. Stella: Dare her to mention pigs or haystacks, or dungarees, or birds’ nests. Mrs. Soaring: And then she’d ask everyone if they were enjoying themselves, and how many grandchildren they have. Stella: Oh, what a yell! Imagine Mrs. Snobbe-Cranston if she asked her about her grandchildren. After all the trouble she has been to to have her face renovated, too-not a sign of a loose fold or wrinkle-wonderful-just wonderful. Yes, she looks young enough, but those seven grandchildren! Trust Aunt Lizzie to fossick out all her secrets. No tact, that’s Aunt Lizzie’s trouble. She’s the kind of person who would try to cheer up the King of Spain by talking of jewelled crowns. |. Mrs. Soaring: Oh, do stop, Stella, do! It’s bad enough without imagining worse horrors. Whatever will Mrs. Snobbe-Cranston think of her? Oh, dear, dear! Do you think, Stella, we could ask Aunt Lizzie to be careful?

Stella: Sure! Tll do it. Our Lizzie’s rustic homeliness may be all right. at Tussockdale, but-(Shrugs.) Why, here she is! Enter Aunt Lizzie, a large, middleaged, cheerful person in an old-fashion-ed brown fugi frock and several strings of beads. Stella (in an aside): Ye gods; she’s got three extra yards of them on today, I’ll swear. , Lizzie: Hello, Mag! (Mrs. Soaring looks pained.) Mrs. Soaring: Please, Lizzie-I wish you wouldn’t persist in calling me Mag. Margaret is my name. Lizzie: Margaret! My stars! Well, Mag was good enough for you when you were our general help down at Titree Gulch. Margaret! My stars! You have. got some queer notions since you married our George and made him come to:live in town! Mrs. Soaring: Really, Lizzie, you do not seem to realise the difference between: town and country life. Things are so very different down in Tussockdale. Lizzie: Yes, praise be. Anyway, what’s on? You're all dressed up. My gracious, how smart we are! (Gazes admiringly at them.) Mrs, Soaring: Well, as it happens. this is my At Home day. Lizzie: At Home day? You don't say! My stars, Mag, d’you mean to tell me you go in for these new fangled notions? Mrs. Soaring: Why, of course, Lizzie. And don’t be foolish. There’s nothing new fangled about it. Everybody has them. Lizzie: My stars! Well, we don’t down at Titree Guich. Come along

any old time and you’re welcome. is our way. sy Stella: And let’s all go out and mire the pigs afterwards, eh, auntie? Lizzie: Of course. My pigs are famous all over Tussockdale (Mrs, Soaring snorts.) You see I have a new pedigree boarMrs. Soaring: Please, please, Lizzie, spare us the details. Lizzie (looking astonished) : Why, I thought you'd be interested. Stella: Hardly in our line, old dear, Smell and all that, you know. (Shudders daintily.) (Auntie looks more astonished than ever.) Lizzie: Well I neverStella: And, oh, Auntie, old dear, as regards this binge we are having here this afternoonLizzie: Oh, I’m so sorry. I’m afraid I won’t be able -to-stay in to it. I am sorry, I’d love to meet your friends. I’m so interested in people. But), you see, I have an old friend who jhas just come to live here and I must fook her up. I haven’t much time here, as you know, so I had thought of going to-day. That is, .of. course, if you don’t mind. Pu stay. if, you really want me. ‘ Mrs. Soaring: Oh, not at-all. Not at all. (Looks relieved:) Don’t let me interfere with your plans. Lizzie: Sure,you don’t mind? . Then I think I’ll be off. "I won't be late. (Hait.) Mrs. Soaring: Thank heavens! She's gone. That was a stroke of luck! © Stella: Ye gods! What a release! Lizzie’s ‘Tussockdale model is bad enough, but that ghastly chumminess! Mrs. Soaring: She always was a (Continued .on page 30.) y ‘

Aunt Lizzie’s Friend Sn ee (Continued from page 23

friendly soul. ‘Talks to. people tp ins and at funerals, and all that, yoti know. No trouble for her to strike 2 friendship. She says she has a gift that way. : Stella: A gift! Ye gods! Then why on earth didn’t she give it back long ago? = (Bell rings.) There's the bei now. I wonder who it is? Pater Martha in muslin cap and apron. Mutters "Respectable! H’ dndeed!" Approaches her mistress with card on tray. Mrs. Soaring: What are you mumbling about, Martha? Yor mercy sake try to look pleasant. (Martha glowors. Mra. 8. reads card.) "Miss Wimple"-Well, go along, Martha, and show her in, Martha (from doorway): Wot I says ig this ’ere. If she must wear a red nose, need she also wear a red hat? Mrs. Soaring: MARTHA! (Hott Martha, sti? muttering.) That girl is becoming impossible. Stella: You couldn’t docket her as the little ray of sunshine, certainly. She looks like something that might have occurred to Buster Keaton in one of his less frivolous moments. Enter Miss Wimple-the Vicars sister-a thin, very tall female, curved émward like @ sickle from the waist up. Her nose is very red, as is also her hat. Advances with outstretched hand: Oh, good afternoon, dear Mrs. Soaring. And Miss Soaring; how delightful to seo you! Mrs. Soaring: Good afternoon, dear Miss Wimple; this is charming of you. I hope the vicar is well. Miss Wimple: Alas, poor man! He ts far from well. Chronic dyspepsia, you know-and nothing gives him re-Mief-nothing. (Sighs.)

Mrs. Soaring: How sad! ° What a martyr! _ Stella (in an aside) : What price our dear Lizzie’s remedies now? (Bell rings.) x, Miss Wimple: Hr-I beg your pardon, Miss Soaring, did you say you knew a remedy? If only I could find one. (Sighs.) The poor man! Stella: Unfortunately I have not. But I may be able to discover something. A relative of ours is a mine of information when it comes to remedies. A quaint old thing she is, rather, but an old dear, really, isn’t she mother? Mrs. Soaring: Yes, you would have enjoyed her. Dear Lizzie. Quite a character! Unfortunately she could not stay in to-day. I would have loved to introduce her to you. Enter Martha, closely followed by Mrs. Jefferson-White, @ severe-looking woman with an intolerant expression. Martha:. Mrs. Chafiing-Some Quite! (Flaunts out.) Mrs. Jefferson-Whiie snorts. Mrs. Soaring (hurriedly): Oh, how do you do, Mrs. Jefferson-White? How 1° to see you! A perfect day, isn’t it Mrs. J~White: Oh, quite! (Settles into chair, nods abruptly at others.) Gaft’n’n! (Takes out knitting.) Miss Wimple: Good afternoon, Mrs. Jefferson-White. It is indeed 2a pleasure to see you. The vicar was

only saying how long it was since we saw you at church. (Mrs. J.-White snorts.) He was wondering what was preventing you from attending. Mrs, J.-White: Adenolds, Miss Wimple: I beg your pardon, Mrs Jefferson-White, did you say adenoids? . Mrs. J.-White: Quite! Miss Wimple: everMrs. Soaring: I think Mrs. JeffersonWhite is referring to the vicar’s unfortunate -er-er-nasal peculiarityMiss Wimple (bridling) : Indeed! Mrs. J.-White: Quite! (Bell rings.) Miss Wimple: I agree with the vicar when he says, "Sin has no limits," (Staring acidly at Mrs. J.-White.) Stella: Well, thank goodness, that’s one industry that needs no ten per cent. cut. ; Mrs. Soaring: Stella! Mrs. J.-White: Quite! Enter Martha with card. Mrs, Soaring takes card from tray. Mrs. Soaring: Oh, yes, Martha; show herin. (Looks rownd benigniy.) My dear friend, Mrs. Snobbe-Cranston. Miss Wimple: Mrs. Snobbe-Cranston! Oh, is she a friend of yours? Mrs. Soaring: Why, of course. I’ve known her intimately for ever so long. We are the dearest friends! Miss Wimple: Oh, really! Mrs. J.-White: Oh, quite! Enter Mrs. Snobbe-Oransion. a well

preserved woman of middle age and well restrained figure. Advances grandly and holds out hand to hostess. Mrs, Soaring: Good afternoon, my dear Mrs. Snobbe-Cranston. This is indeed a pleasure. Mrs. §.-Cranston: Good afternoon. Gorgeous day, what? Mrs. Soaring: Indeed yes, dear Mrs. Snobbe-Cranston. May I introduceMiss Wimple-Mrs. Jefferson-White. Of course you know my dear daughter. Mrs. 8.-Cranston: How do? (Bows somewhat frostily.) Miss Wimple: This is indeed a great pleasure, Mrs. Snobbe-Oranston: perhaps you know my brother. He is the vicar at St. Peter’s. Mrs. S8-.Cranston: Really! Mrs. J.-White: Quite! Miss Wimple: Such a lovely sermon he gave last Sunday! Mrs. Soaring: Oh, lovely! Mrs. J.-White: Oh, quite! Miss Wimple (stares acidly at Mrs. J.-White) : He believes that success in our undertakings is assured through meditation, concentration, inspirationMrs. J~White: Or crass ignorance! Miss Wimple: Really! Mrs. J.-White: Quite! Enter Martha with tea-wagon. Mrs. Soaring busies herself with cups, etc. Martha: Please, mum-please, mumF Mrs. Soaring: Yes, Martha, what is t Martha: Please, mum, the cat got into the kitchen and drank the ‘cream an’Mrs. Soaring: Well, why didn’t you get more? Really, MarthaMartha: ’Ow could I, mum, when you knows ag well as I does that tha

noone milkman won't give ug no more tick till we pays ‘is account! j Mrs, Soaring: Martha! Go at once!") How dare you tell such untruths? ‘ Martha: Untruths! Lawks! I likes that, I does! Oastin’ nasturtions on my character-h’indeed! I spose you'll be sayin’ next as ‘ow the butcher didn’t come a-roarin’ round just afore lunchMrs, Soaring: MARTHA!!! Leave the room! Martha ewits sulkily, muttering? "OUntruths! Lawks! What impermanence !" Mrs. Soaring: These dreadful maids! So crude! But of course you'll know all about it, Mrs. Snobbe-Oranston, (Hands cups of tea.) Mrs. §.-Oranston: Of course! Frightful creatures! So impudent! Stella: Oh, Mrs. Snobbe-Cranston, have you met our new neig#bour, Mrs, Parrington, yet? Mrs. S.-Cranston : Not yet, butEnter Lizzie, with a companion, big, jolly-faced woman in a mannist costume and hat. Lizzie: Oh, Mag, I managed to get along after all. I met my friend just along the street ‘and thought how jolly it would be to bring her along, as she is new here and would like to meet you all. Come along, Milly, and be intro- — duced. (Her friend adwances.) Mag, surely you remember Milly-she was at the Brown’s when you were working for us. She was only saying what a surprise she got to hear of your marriage with George. I told her she wasn’t the only one who was surprised, eh, Mag? (Laughs in her jolly way.) Well, Mag, what about meeting all these smart friends of yours. My, wouldn’t the folks down at Titree Gulch love to see you now. (Gazes around ’ admiringly. Hveryone stares stonily back.) Anyway, Mag, you'll be wanting to meet my friend. This is Mrs.Mrs. Soaring (frostily) : Oh, how do? (Nods abruptly-ignores outstretched hand.) Lizzie, take your friend and sit over there. (Points to couoh tn far corner.) I will ring for more tea. Lizzie: But I haven’t introduced my . friend, Mrs.Mrs. Soaring: Oh-er-how do? me hand towards.for corner; rings belt. Lizvie, after a moment's hesitation, takes her friend’s arm, saying: "Come along, Mill; this city way of going on beats me. Call that an introduction? My stars! Mrs. 8.-Cranston: And who are these -er-persons? Mrs Soaring (confidentially): Oh, Lizzie! (Shrugs.) These impossible connections from the country-Maybe you have had experience of them. Sea annoying! \ Mrs. §.-Cranston: Oh, of course, 2 . understand. Poor relations! Alas! We all have them. But that other one! (Mrs. Soaring shrugs.) Stella : She’s a disaster on land or sea! Miss Wimple: Oh, is that the-er-person you were speaking of, Mrs. Soaring? The one with all the remedies, you know-a relation you said it was. Mrs. Soaring: Oh, NO! Of course not. She was quite different. Enter Martha. r Mrs. Soaring: More tea, Martha. (Martha ewviis sulkily:-"Untruths! Lawks! H’indeed !’’) Lizzie: Well, Mag, I must say you’ve @ different way of doing. thinga here

than we' have at Titree. My stars, if _I were toMrs. .Soaring’ (ignoring Lizzie): What: were you saying about the new Mrs. Parrington, Mrs. Snobbe-Crans-ton? . Martha re-enters, bangs pot of tea on table,, then. ewits, still muttering. Mrs. S.-Cranston: Oh, I haven't called yet-I am kept so busy with all my calls. (Mrs. Soaring pours tea and hands to Lizzie and friend.) But I am hoping to get along very soon. You seeLizzie: Mag-just a moment.-May I introduce- . Mrs. Soaring (staring stonily at Lizzie) : You were saying, Mrs. SnobbeCranston? Mrs. S.-Cranston: Oh, yes-it appears that Mrs. Parrington has expressed a great desire to meet me.-(Lizzie and her friend look blankly at each other.) Miss Wimple (eacitedly) : Really! Mrs. J.-White: Quite. Mrs, S.-Cranston: Yes. Of course, ey are very wealthy. Stella: They say the old man’s got wads! Mrs §8.-Cranston: Simply rolling, my dear! Miss Wimple: Really! Mrs. J.-White: Quite! Stella: And there is a ‘Son, I believe? Miss Wimple' (arcily) : Now-now-Miss Soaring. (Wags singer at her.) Mrs, 8.-Cranston: It seems that Mrs. Parrington is'a very great friend of a very great friend of mine-so naturally she is hoping that we will be very intimate. Mrs. Soaring: Well, isn’t that just wonderful! . Stella: for you! Miss Wimple: So charming, I think. . Mrs. J.-White: Oh, quite! Lizzie: Oh, Mag! May I-- ~ Mrs. Soaring: Have you an invitation to her-house warming? I-hear she is having one soon. Mrs. S.Cranston: Of course. I have mine with me now. (Begins searching in handbag.) Such a lovely eard! So original, I thought. © Oh, so sorry; it’s not in'my bag. I musi have left it at home. Oh, of course, now I. remember-it was in my crocodile skin bag that I put it. Such a pity. Such a sweet card! Mrs. Soaring: I think it is such a lovely new houseStella: Perfectly adorable! Miss Wimple: Oh, perfectly ! Mrs. J.-White: Oh, quite! Miss Wimple: IT am quite looking for. ward to seeing it. Stella: Are you invited to the house warming, Miss Wimple? Miss Wimple: Oh, surely. The en: course-you understandSoaring: Oh, perfectly! \. Mrs. J.-White: Oh, quite! Lizzie: A party:! How lovely! Wheu is it, Mag? Is it likely to come off while I am. here? I do love housewarmings. I well remember the last one we had out in Tussockdale--. Mrs. Soaring :-More tea, Lizzie? More tea, Mrs. Er?---Yes, Mrs. S.-Cran-ston, I’m sure it’s going to be a delightful occasion. . So splendid to get some really nice people in our district, isn’t it? Mrs. S.-Cranston.: Oh, rather! . Mrs. J.-White: Oh, quite ! (Commotion im: far corner.. Lizzie’s friend makes hurried ewit...Mrs. Soaring looks annoyed.) . Mrs. Soaring: Really, Lizzie! Lizzie: Well, Mag, perhaps you will let me speak at last. I must say you

have a queer way of treating your guests. . My stars, if I had done what you have done out in Titree, I’d’ve been howled out of the district ! Mrs.. Soaring: Really, Lizzie, if you will bring your strange acquaintances | to my "at home"’--. Lizzie: Did you say. "strange acequaintances"? My stars! I like that! tan ; Mrs. 8.-Cranston; Most unseemly behaviour! : Miss Wimple: Oh, most! Mrs. J.-White: Oh, quite! Stella: She wag rather a yell, Aunt Lizzie. You must admit that. . Mrs. Soaring: And such an undignified way to leave. Really, Lizzie-. Lizzie: She found it impossible to stay longer. The strain was too great. She asked me to apologise to you, Mag, for her bad manners, but since they are the fashion here, I shouldn’t think you'd notice. And she asked me to tell you-(addresses Miss Wimple)-I don’t know your name, but you are evidently something to do with the vicar-may his God help’ him-she desires you to know that she is a strong Presbyterian. And you-Mrs. Snobbe-Something-or-other-(Did. you make it up, by the way-never did I know a name suit anyone so well-not even Mrs. Duckioes down in Fussockdaleshe had webbed feet, poor dear.) Well, she said, that you carried off your little bit of bluff real well. My stars! The way you hunted through that bag was real clever. Considering that you never got an invitation at all--. Mrs. §8.-Cranston: I beg your pardon! Mrs. Soaring: LIZZIB! What. are you saying? ; Stella: Help! I smell a rat! Miss Wimple: I'm sure the Vicar will be quite reconciled to: the fact that that very Queer person is not an Anglican. Mrs. J.-White: Quite! Miss Wimple: But why she should mention the fact--. Stella: Stung! Oh, "what a yell! Mrs. Soaring: Lizzie! What do you mean by all this nonsense? Explain yourself ! ‘ Lizzie: I'll explain ali right. You people seem to consider yourselves so high and ' mighty--. Miss Wimple: Indeed! Mrs. J.-White: Quite! Lizzie: Well, they say pride goes before a fall. I reckon that’s rightand someone’s going to fall-hard-right now. You are too grand to meet me and my friend. ‘eh? Too Snobby -that’s what--. Miss Wimple: Indeed! Mrs. J.-White: Quite! Mrs. Soaring: LIZZIE! — For mercies’ sake, what are you talking about? Ilow dare you? If you are rude to my guests, you must go--. Lizzie: I'm going. Don’t let that worry you. (Goes toward -evit.) I am going to spend the rest.of my time here with my friend. She said to tell you that she is sorry-she was hoping to meet you all and give you an invitation to the house-warming. Mrs. Soaring: The HOUSE-WARM-ING! ; Mrs. S,-Cranston (On @ high key): The HOUSH-WARMING! Stella: I guessed it! Oh, what a yell! Mrs. Soaring: Then your friend is--, Lizzie (At ewvit): MRS. PARRINGTON! (BXIT LIZZIP.) COLLAPSE OF EVERYONKH., CURTAIN.

SECOND CURTAIN, Ourtain rises on scene of confusion. Mrs. Soaring is sobbing profusely into a @oyley. Mrs. 8.-Oranston is in a faint, Miss Wimple is fluttering around waving a handkerchief between both of them.. Stella is in am attack of hysterics. Mrs. Jefferson-White is knitting fiercely., Martha has entered and stands at back of stage, gaping dazedly. Martha: Lawks! Lawse-mussy! Stella (giggling) :. Oh, what a yell! Mrs. J.-White :. QUITH! FINAL CURTAIN. THH END.