A ONE ACT COMEDY-TRAGEDY

New Zealand Tablet, 22 May 1919, Page 39

A ONE ACT COMEDY-TRAGEDY

♦ —_— (From the Brooklyn, U.S.A. Tablet.) _. ._ v ~. ! Place — 10 Downing Strict, London. %Pi %.f\%J | Time — -Lloyd George and Arthur Balfour expected home from the Peace Conference on a visit. { - Scene Lords Gurzon and Milner seated at table.

{ ■ Lord Curzon —Well, Milner, I can hardly wait until Arthur and ■ David arrive. ,1 .am most anxious to know -how-they succeeded so well.--

Lord Milner —My anxiety is also great. * I do wonder how our success has been so remarkable. My Lord, please read that cablegram from Arthur again. i .. Curzon (reads) —“We put it all over the Americans. Will be home at once.” Signed B. Milner-So we put v it all over the Americans. Are you sure that that street language means we outclassed or out-manoeuvred them ?

I . Curzon—Most assuredly. Balfour is so clever that he not only defeats those “outsiders” but he uses their only language to announce the victory. Milner (laughing)—Well the gentleman beats the “outsider” every time. This is almost too good to be true. - - - . .. .

(Enter Arthur Balfour and David Lloyd George arm in arm smiling all over.)

| v Curzon— ail .the - conquerors! ig ** Milner (laughing)—So you put it all over the Americans? Do tell us about it.

A Lloyd /George—My Lords, you .flatter ns. Arthur deserves all the credit: let him tell how we did it.

® Arthur Balfour —Really, gentlemen, you honor me ; but David is the Premier and he should have the glory of telling, how we vanquished them. | George Using Arthur’s logic, the King should know a great deal about the Peace Treaty, but I really doubt if he knows the war is at an end yet. I pray, Arthur, you tell the Lords about the League of Nations and all that other stuff.

f Balfour (smiling)— am a good soldier and will obey orders. It is really a delight to tell you how .we put it all over the Americans. You see the Yanks demanded a League of Nations, so after a great deal of deliberation we agreed. Under the Constitution of the League America will do our police work in Arabia and several other countries ; she will put up the assets and we the liabilities, and in case of foreign disorder she will have to help suppress it, whether it be in Ireland or any other place. - Of course you know we only have five votes in the League while the others have one. VJt was quite hard for the President to “win iris over,” but he succeeded. (General laughter.) f George (laughing)—Or, in other words, we are the League and all the others are the nations. I' Curzon (laughing)—My word, as far as the Americans are concerned it’s a League of Notions. | (Enter Lord Der , greetings.) ~ : Lord Derby—Well, Arthur, I hear you put it all over the Americans.

i. Balfour—You highly compliment- me. / Derby—Do tell me how the President acted there. | Balfour—The President is a charming man. Rather bookish, but most interesting. Unlike nearly all Americans, he is not boresome. | George—He is most polished. He adores beautiful words. Nearly all day he speaks about democracy and humanity. This disturbed Arthur at first, but he soon saw the terms were meaningless. | Derby— how about his Fourteen Points ? U George (laughing)—You answer him, Arthur it’s too rich. " ' •- : ' ■ ;■>- ' ■ : : ■'

i Balfour-Really, a submarine must have sunk those points on the way over. - Self-determination, no annexations, no indemnities, no Secret treaties, open covenants, rule ,of* the people, freedom of the seas,, disarmament, and—well, I don’t remember if there; were any others. | Derby Jove, if a submarine sank them it must have been a British one. r- | George—My lords’ ..if, there were any other points/ you may be sure. Arthur disfigured. them while: the’PreSi _ / . ' - /. * .... , Ii .. .... ' • ~ .mm .... „ .

r -■*■**.^.^Mjaaaawaca^*^ sident was talking about democracy and ’humanity • Milner—My word, this is a grand occasion. To .- think that we got America to winthe; war fq£ now they will protect all our possessions. tmf*§y ■. enemy to fight your battles and then to himrjpotect the spoils for you is no mean achievement. p. T you are -to be congratulated. HU was the mbsUcleyth' / act of your clever; life. ' J George (laughing) Don’t say that. The cleverest. thing in his life was the day he stood at George Washington’s tomb in I America without even smiling. Ssftg. Curzon —We’ll never forget the day- we heard that news; really, it was richer than anything one could hear at a music hall. ; I r '' t* ■<&-h n •••• s b ■ ■ Balfour —And, sir, I actually stood there with ; my hat off. (General laughter.) :a- in Milner— l positively believed when Arthur had those dull Irishmen gaoled, and spread the pro-German plot, it was really the cleverest thing he ever did. My word, but v- ‘A .. (Enter Lord Lansdoirne. Greetings .)f ; . Lord Lansdowne— Arthur, 1 hear you put it all over the Americans. How did everything go? i Balfour (smiling)—Everything went bully. ’ j';’ Lord Lansdowne — Before you go any further, do tell me, did the President i mention Ireland? »|||||g Balfour—No, not even once. ■. , in . -Lansdowne^— Thank goodness, then my estates in Kerry will be safe. You gentlemen must spend a few days there with me in the summer. -hi ' Derby—Do; you think the President is apt«toj do anything, in the future for Ireland? ■ hm: Balfour—Hardly. He mentioned it privately to me once, but I told him about internal questions and some other things like that, so I think everything will bo all right. You see • /*■■<■ n. {Enter Sir ward Shorft. Greeefings.) r-'is:: • Edward Shortt — Aye, Arthur, I hear you threw, it all over the Americans. It was real clever, of you, don’t you know. b ; .... ; U ■■ > ■■■■:: George ßefore you go any further,; tell us how those degenerate Englishmen are. behaving in; Ireland. Shortt—-Aye, but the situation is quite , devilish. You see, the Sinn Feiners George— Don’t mention those ugly Irishmen by name : it makes me feel indisposed. Shortt-—Have your; own - way ~ sirbut- a forest fire of agitation is sweeping America A Meetings, legislatures, and. resolutions are demanding Ireland’s freedom. Curzon— all the King’s fault. I knew when he spoke of democracy, and small nations that those dull Yanks would think we were serious. _ , , % George — l hardly know what we can do now. You see, we used up most of bur ammunition.^:We worked the religious question, the pro-German plot, Irishmen! being divided, and the Irish being Bolsheviks,. Really; most of our music has been played. Last 7 ear we spent nine million’ dollars : on our 4000 agents in the States! It is very’ puzzling. Lansdowne—Couldn’t ' we have : 5 dward-Carson write some more editorials for the New York papers! Balfour You need not., worry. I have arranged everything. p Under the League of Nations America will forfeit several of her rights.. Shortly after the. treaty is signed the Yanks will realise that they have lost their freedom. Then they will have to start to agitate their own self-determination, and won’t have time for Ireland. ' ’.! i | Shortt word, but Arthur is a wonder,, and to think that the President -- -- ' , ....... • I | Grand chorus j■tt - 1 I 1 For he’s a jolly .good fellow;-: * f| For he’s a jolly good fellow, For he’s a jolly good fellow,- d | For he’s a jolly good fellow,IfV'daoM 1 fV'daoM $ | Which, none of us will; deny. 11 '* I n'jixa i v.r «r; t « , * _ i .a