THE TEMPORARY EDITOR

New Zealand Tablet, Volume XXXI, Issue 28, 9 July 1903, Page 24

THE TEMPORARY EDITOR

The editor of the ' Hart sock News' lay "\eiy ill in bed, suffering from a severe attack of influenza, and jabbering like a perpetual motion phonograph As a, rule he was as sane as could be expected, considering he had chosen Hartsock as a promising field lor lournalism But on this occasion he was certainly wandering in his mind, otherwise he would not lioao asked his grandmother to, assist in getting out the weekly edition of his paper. When Granma Huff paused, panting, at the he.ul of the stairs and pushed open the door of the ' News ' office, Jimmie was sitting in the editorial chafr, studying his Sunday school lesson The editor ne\or spoke of Jimmie as the ' devil ' although that is the customary title. He called him the ' angel,' Jimmie was such a good boy. Goodness stood out on him like freckles. Every time he washed his hands and face he washed off enough goodness to supply a dozen boys, and ho had signed so many temperance pledges that' if ho had started in to__ drink steadily for tho balance of his life he would have wound up with some of tho- pK>dccs still unbroken. Later in life he tried it. But ho was a good boy. Granma Huff looked over the rims of her two pair of spectacles and smiled. ' Jimmie,' she said, 'my gran'son's sick, so T've come down to git out the ' News ' this week, and I Want you to hurry round and help me all you can ' ' Yes'm,' said Jimmio meekly 'Well, now, »aid Granma HxifT, seating hoi self in the editorial chair and rubbing her knees with the palms of her hands, ' I can't move 'round much, bein' as I've got tho rheumatiz so bad, but I leckon you can do most thet's to be did. Gran'son says jou'ro a right good boy.' ' Yes'm/ replied Jimmie, modestly ' Kin you work; that printin' machine "> ' inquired Oranma, nodding toward the old Washington press. 'Yes'm, I allua does,' says Jimmio ' Well, then,' said Granma, ' 1 guess you'd better go right on an' print some papers. I reckon you know 'bout how inany's needed, don't you ? '

Jimmie explained that there were a few things to do first. There must be some news gathered, the forms made ready. ' Dv tell ! ' exclaimed Granma, ' I s'posed gran'son ud hey all that ready. Ain't you got any at all ? ' t No m,' said Jimmie. ' Well, I can't fix the types, but I guess you know bout that,' she said, ' an' I can't see to write, but you kin take down. First say gran'son's sick with the grippe, but doc says he'll pit along all right soon's the fever goes down some. Then say Marthy Clemen's baby s sick with the measles. I knowed Marthy 's ma before Marthy was born. Her and me come from York county, Pennsylvania, together.' How d'ye spoil Poiinsylvany 9 ' ' Pen-^yl-Aa-ny,' spelled Granma. 'Her ma and me was second cousins, she bein' a Dell an' me a Mu,ndock, an' old man Murdock bein' first cousin o v Randy Bell. We came down the Ohio on a flat an' up the Mississippi by steamer. But I told Marthy that child 'ud get tha measles ef she took it out to Joe Nayadley's. Got that down ? ' ' Yes'm,' said Jimmie. ' Well, I don't think o' any more news just now ; do you ? ' she queried. ' No'm,' said Jimmie. | Will that be enough ? ' asked Granma. ' No'm, that ain't more'n two sticks,' said Jimmie. ' Well, what does gran'son do when he hasn't enough news to fill up ? ' 'He uses patent insides. This what comes in chunks from Chicago,' said Jimmie ; but he ain't got none but what we've used. He was goin' to order some when he was took sick. ' We've got to use some ovtr again,' said Granma, decidedly. ' What is there ? ' 'Sermons,' said Jimmie, grinning. 'We ain't got nothin' but Talmage sermons, but we got lota o' them.' Well, I don't know nothin' better for people than sermons,' said Granma. ' I'll guess we'll use them sermons. 'Twon't hurt nobody to read 'em over twice. Reckon you've got enough of 'em ? ' ' Yes'm,' said Jimmie. ' All right, then, you go ahead an' fix up the paper like you always do. Mebby you kin get some nice little boy to help you. I'm goin' home, my rheumatiz hurts mo so. and I can't do nothin' more. Jist be sure to have the paper out on time.' Jimmie promised, and Granma went home. She had done her duty. Jimmie did his. There were forty-two local and patent medicine advertisements that wore always scattered through the reading. Ho k,new this, and as the sermons were long and solid, he cut each sermon into small pieces, laving the electtotypes acio's the chair, and sawing them into chunks with the office saw. Then he made up his forms, sticking in a piece of sermon, then a patent medicine lad ' then more sermen He did not miss a department. He had ' Local News,' ' Country Correspondence,' 'From our Exchanges,' and ' A Little Nonsense,' each in its appointed place, but each composed of short reading advertisements and small sections of sermon. The sermons were rather mixed. Tn sawing them up he had failed to preserve their consecutive form There were fifteen columns of disiointed sermon, sandwiched with ' Perkins' Plasters ' and ' Get vonr Canned Tomatoes at Wray's.' Jimmie persuaded Pob Hochstolcr to help him ' run the press, and tho paper came out on time The editor was sleeping nicely when Jimmie delivered the ' News ' at the door. The editor was out of his fever. When he awoke Granma proudly handed him the ' News ' As a rule, I ha\o said, the editor was as sane as could be expected Ho looked through the paper and gasped It was two days later before the two strong men who were called in to hold him in bed were petv mittod to release him Then ho than 1 ed (Jrannia, put on his clothes, and wont do^n to his office and discharged Jimmie three times Tho third time he raised his wages The next week, tho editorial pac>"e contained tho following notice, double<-]eaded, at the head of the first column : Ahead Again. Tho ' News,' always the foremost paper of the State, acain outstripped its rnals last week by inaugurating a now and hiehlv moral prize competition. As we never do things by half, we dovoiod oui entire paper to this newest and most attractive foatuie Scattered over paces one, four, five, and eie;ht were five complete sermons. To the party sending th° first correct arrangement of all the sermons we will send the ' News ' free for five years ; for any ore sermon eoirectly arranged, tho ' News ' for one year. Address Sermon Editor this office. Thus once mo'C the ' News ' distances those reeking sheets, the ' Juntown Blac'e ' and the ' Richmond Guest.'