In Lighter Vein

New Zealand Tablet, Volume XXX, Issue 20, 15 May 1902, Page 18

In Lighter Vein

(By 'Quip.')

*•» Correspondence, newspaper cuttings, etc.. intended for this department should be addressed l Quip,* N.Z. Tablet Office, Dunedin, and should reach this office on or before Monday morning. ' There's nothing like a little judicious levity.' R. L. Stevenson.

To Cyclists. It used to be said when cycling first became fashionable that pedestrians no longer had any right* except funeral rites. But it seems to me that the shoe is on the other foot, and it is time that cyclists did something to proteot themselves. Let them form themselves into a society for the Prevention of Inspectors of Nuisances. The other day I was ' biking ' along the footpath in a town not fifty miles away from Wanganui, when I perceived a pedestrian turn a corner and come towards me. I was a stranger to the place, and thought the individual was an ordinary sensible citizen. But he was the Inspector. I gave him a wrong name, like the enthusiastic cyclist that I was, and remembered suddenly that I had to see a man about a dog in a neighbouring township that evening. It ia quite easy to pick the ' man in blue ' the very first time, but not so the Inspector. If I had been able to identify my man I could have pedalled down some side footpath, and so spared myself the

Humiliation of calling myself Smith. I beg to suggest to those at ■•he head of the Cyclista' Touring Club that they should issue with their maps photos and descriptions of the Inspectors in the different places. Either that, or adorn the aforesaid gents with those ' Dangerous-to-oyclists ' placards that frighten horses at the tops of hills. The best remedy, however, is for all cyclists to form themselves into a club— a heavy club, with which to hit every inspector on the head.

While on cycling matters, I should like to give lovers of the wheel two 'little pieces of wholesome advice : Do not act like those people who have made ' cyclometer ' and ' fishing yarns ' synonymous. The unprinoipled beings, with a view to adding a few miles to the distance they have ridden, turn their bikes upside down aud turn away at the wheel connected with the cyclometer. Never do that. It is much more handy to get a boy to do it for you. The other piece of advice is this : Never coast down a steep hill — or up it either. If your chain breaks going down a steep hill, the greatest oonsolation yourwidow can have, after she has collected the inßuranoe, is to know that you died with your feet on the pedals.

Combines. Mr, Pierpoint Morgan's shipping combine is making the Governments of the two worlds feel about as comfortable as a ' moonshiner ' in a revenue officer's kitchen. He has bought up all the shipping companies of any note. It was through an oversight that he did not include the Timaru dredge and the fleet that conveys the Maoris to the mutton-bird islands. This ia the age of combines. A number of enterprising ' Amurrikins ' combined some time ago to offer their services to the South American Republics to conduct the revolutions which seem to be the staple product of those parts. They offered to do the business on the most lavish Bcale — hot and cold water laid on, and all modern improvements, etc., for the ridiculously small sum of what they should find iv the Treasury of the deposed Government. Another United States syndicate, whose existence has been necessitated by the number of noblemen and millionaires, who, a short time ago were selling tea and soap, and who, consequently have no dead ancestors to make their homes eerie and aristocratic, advertises that it can supply spooks of any sex and any century to haunt respectable families at one dollar per haunt.

Among Juveniles. And up near Christchurchsome time ago.'some young hopefuls whose commercial education hadn't got any further than ' oughts and crosses' formed themselves into a most successful syndicate. A county council offered a rather big money prize to any boy who would bring in a certain number of birdt*' eggp. Our young friends " combined,' collected the required number, appointed one boy to take them in, and. as they themselves said, ' rakoi^in the shekels and declared a dividend. The young idea of the present day possesses a wonderful eye for a deal. A bhort time ago a travelling circus visitel an upcountry town. Just before the show began the manager took a walk around and caught a youngster slipping in under the tent. 'Here, Johnny,' he paid, draygin? the little fellow out again by his fourth dimension, 'do you know what I do with boys I catch sneaking into my circus ? I feed them to the lions.' And calling an attendant, he said . ' Put some salt on this boy and throw him him into Romeo.' The youngbter looked up at the big manager and replied : ' Hey, mister, I'm on'y a little feller. I wouldn't be much of a feed for a lion, would I' I'll tell you what. You It t me into ycucircus for nothin' an' I'll get all the fat b >ya in the t uvn to cov e an' crawl under your teut.' Pierpont Morgan isn't the only being in existence with a long head.

The efficacy of TUSSICURA in all lung and throat complaints is undeniable. It ' touches the spot ' eveiy time — *„ * For absolute strength, extreme simplicity, freedom from weak or undesirable points, and abundance of excellent working features throughout, Excelsior ploughs are unrivalled. They will do perfectly the work that can be expected of any plough, and are guaranteed to give satisfaction in any a»il« where a plough ran work at all, no matter how tougti uud diflicult the work. They extra length of land beam, specially uude mould boaids, and steering gear of the most complete and approved kind, devolving swivel steel circular coulters. Double furrow, £11 lO.s ; three, furrows, £ll> 10s.— Morrow, Ba'-sett, and Co., sole agents in New Zealand for Cockshutt farm implements. — %*