In Lighter Vein

New Zealand Tablet, Volume XXX, Issue 11, 13 March 1902, Page 18

In Lighter Vein

(By 'Quip.')

»•# Correspondence, newspaper cuttings, etc., intended for this department should be addressed ' QUIP,' N.Z. Tablet Office, Dunedin, and ■bould reach this office on or before Monday morning.

1 There's nothing like a little judicious levity.' R. L. Stevenson. Apple-jelly Time. We are somewhat late with our apple jelly this year, but we have made a start with it at last. The first intimation I received of the catastrophe was on last Wednesday evening, when a depraved apple peel, that was viewing the sunset from our kitchen doorstep, caught me by the heel, lifted me high enough to examine the leak in the ceiling, and then let me down into a basket full of bottlenecks. It would have suited me better to land in the preserving pan, or on the pile of specked fruit near the dresser, but I had no choice, and it's needs must when this sort of devil drives. I got up rubbing my head with one hand and my leg with the other, and bemoaning the short-sightedness of nature in giviDg us only two hands. If I had twelve more of them or even as many as Vishnu, I could have found sore places for them to soothe. There was only one chair in the room that was not laden with jam-bottles. I slipped on another apple peel in getting to it. There were no jambottles on it— l could Bee that in my hurry — but there lay upon it

an iron rod with a ring at one end for converting spirit-bottles into jam-jars. Judging by the smell of burnt rag when I sat down, that iron must have been still hot. It is generally reckoned a terrible thing when the iron enters one's soul, but I th ink it is at least twenty times worse when it makes an impression on your pantaloons and I immediately concluded that I didn't want to sit down on that chair just then. * With miraculous guidance I next threaded my way to our front room, past full jars, past empty jars, past peele, past cores, past decayed fruit, past spilt sugar, and threw myself upon the couch (pronounced kee-owoh), endeavoring to rest upon it without touching it. But I mußt have touohed it, beoause when I arose there were about forty discs of gummy white paper, the size of saucers, clinging to my person in various degrees of attachment. They were so spoilt in the process of removal as to be absolutely useless as lids for jelly-jars. I picked up a rag to clean away some of the gum. The rag proved to be the jelly-bag. This was the last straw I leaned upon my wife's shoulder and wept. I asked her to forgive all the harsh words I had ever spoken to her. I told her to work into my obituary notice that I supported the Premier in sending away the Ninth Contingent. And I asked her, even if she did marry again, to come sometimes in the summer evenings to the little cemetery and plant thingammy-jigs over my grave. She gave me consolation and arnica, and I began to feel better. ' Herself 'is still worrying away with the jelly ; the maid is renovating my suit ; and lam kept busy lanointing my wounds.' Bless' d Araby with all its spices, cannot hold a oandle to our house with its combined odours of ammonia, arnica and burnt sugar.

I forwarded to ' ole Jim ' a communication which reached me from one Patrick Whaley, also of the West Coast. This communication seemed to insinuate that some of the things which ' Jim ' has narrated in this column were not exaotly true. Yesterday I received this answer :—: — ' deer Quip, it apeers sum Fokes are wantin to make out as How what I rote my sun seen fiting The boors Aint troo. They are facks but they are newer the lesß troo. he seen More things throo That campain than a ordnery man cood See throo a Tellyskope. But the kuriosest thing he Ever seen wus a oppyration in the orspitul in Jannesbng. A ruf rider as went from Kumara had palpytations on his hart, What he oatohed Bitten Neer a yung lady in a trane, and a doktor took the hart out to skrape it, I spose. Jist in the Very nex bunk more dokturs was trying to Extrack a krup shel out from a inglish Tommys livver, or what ever it is we breethe with. Blest if The 2 insids diden get mixt and if they diden so up the tommys Hart in the troopr, and the trooprs hart In the Tomy. When they got wel the tommy diskuverd As how he was in luv with a Girl in Kumara, and cooden make it oat. And the Troopr found he was pinin After sum girl he diden no in Inglan. Each nose he has jumt thothers clame, that is if prire rites kounts for ennythin in that sort o thing. They are in a Muddel and I can't sea how they are goin to tunel out from it. Their aint no denine the trooth of this yarn beoauz if you ony look onto the map you will see there Ib a plase in the Wes Kost what is namd Kumara. Ajoo. ' Respectively yures, 'Ole Jim.'