AUCKLAND'S BEST-SELLER

New Zealand Listener, Volume 37, Issue 937, 26 July 1957, Page 9

AUCKLAND'S BEST-SELLER

In "Book Shop" the other evening Denis Glover reviewed Auckland's new telephone directory. For bibliophiles who missed the review, or heard only part of it, or just want it again, here is the text

[Ts quite a publishing event, really. Definitely best-seller class for New Zealand-128,000 isn’t bad for one printing, with another eight and a half thousand people anxious to get it. It’s a book crammed with good hard fact, and it weighs 1 lb. 9% oz. True, it costs £16, but they give you a free telephone with every copy: it’s the new Auckland Telephone Directory. The 60,000 characters are tastefully laid end to end in alphabetical order. Thus, if you wish to ring up a Mr Abbot, or Abbatoirs, Manager only, you will consult the beginning of the book. Whereas the Zoological Park is, actually, under Z. (Not that it’s always easy as this-the editor can give you a good run for your number: Auckland City Council says-see under City. A bit hard on some 15 Borough and County Councils listed under Councils.) The editor-who can be the editor? He doesn’t give himself a by-line anywhere. Mr Shand, I understand, is Post-master-General. Ex officio, he must be editor-in-chief of this great work, and he is to be thanked for much additional information. For instance, there are 35 exchanges in the Auckland district. You can ring them all up for a few odd pence, the farther the more. But just suppose you don’t like telephones. Suppose that not being an Aucklander,

where they are apparently born with six fingers to manipulate the six-figure numbers, you are frankly perplexed by, Mr Bell’s ingenious invention, or have run out of pennies-why, the editor-in-chief gives you a sporting alternative. You can write to any of the 35 districts, he tells you, for a flat rate of threepence sealed, tuppence flap-happy. This is on page 429. Nowhere, in fact, is anyone exhorted to Ring up More, or Use That Phone, And from a careful check of the 60,000 entries I have come to the conclusion that all wrong mumbers are listed. uncer the correct names. Six-figure numbers I mentioned. Trust Auckland to be one ahead of the rest of us. But restrained little Mataura in the far south comes in first in the Zs. Auckland’s grand finale is a mere Zwanenburg: Mataura ran to Zwymfer. Somebody complained about the telephone book that there were a darned lot of characters but no plot. But Auckland weaves a subtle thread of poetry into the top-of-page synopsis. Why, you could pick your baby’s name. from them: Foodstuffs Forster, Fabian Farmers, Cake-Camp, Brewer-British, Anzac-Arm-strong. Then there’s Regal-Remuera, Robb-Robertson. Yes, of course, and Smith-Smith, Smith-Smith; not to mention Piper-Police, Police-Potter, HooleyHospital and Humphrey-Hustler. Oh, in-

deed, they are good reading in themselves, once you sort them out from the advertisements that all. the telephone books print only at the top of the page. And there’s fiction in it, too, Some of the names. are obviously fictitious,

bearing no resemblance to any living person. Ring them up and find out for yourself. Some of them even insist on going in bold typé, which costs more, but is a pardonable vanity if your name is Ironside Sugarcrafts. Glad to see the aristocracy well represented. There are only two Barons, but there are 57 Knights, one of whom lives at Three Kings. Among the hoi polloi the score is Smiths 329, for Jonses 196 all out. Oh you lucky Aucklanders! Any one of you can have 59,999 Phone friends, not counting the Late Additions who are no longer printed on Neophytic Pink. None of you need ever be lonely again, But, mark you, you can’t transmit musical items over the phone, and unless your name is Count von Luckner you're not encouraged to tear the book in half, though lesser people do attempt this feat, one page at a time, in the public phone boxes, ; Everyone with £16 or over is in thig book, the goodies as well as the phonies, This present edition is not yet a collec tor’s piece (though I bet Vol. 1, No. 1, of the Directory is), but it will be well and thoughtfully thumbed. One suggestion to Mr Shand. It is not -always easy to remember the owner’s name, so I think it would be a good idea if our racehofses could be listed alphabetically. And this, of course, should be in a section right at the front, ek