JEALOUSY IN CHILDHOOD

New Zealand Listener, Volume 37, Issue 933, 28 June 1957, Page 17

JEALOUSY IN CHILDHOOD

This is the text of a talk on health broadcast recently from ZB, ZA, YA and YZ stations of the NZBS by

DR

H. B.

TURBOTT

Deputy-

Director-General of Health

EW ZEALAND mothers, quite naturally, worry more over the first baby than over the succeeding ones. It is common experience that less fuss and more matter-of-factness is the lot of the second baby. Mother has acquired the "know-how," and often wishes she hadn’t taken so much out of herself with the first. Baby doesn’t suffer, and possibly does better without the overanxious care that was the privilege of number one. There is another quite common experience in New Zealand homes. Mothers forget, when baby number two arrives, that number’one has been used to close attention and expressed loving care, Father was in on this, too, and the first arrival was really number one in the household, Mothers often begin to give less attention to number one as soon as it is known number two is on the way. True, the first born is loved, but no longer exclusively, and the affection shown to number one falls away during and after pregnancy. Not for one minute do I think you will admit this, yet the outsider can see this happening in far too many homes, You will not recognise that it is happening in your home, unless you take thought about it. If you haven’t thought about it and taken steps to avoid it, you will be at a loss to understand changes in the first. born’s behaviour. From being a very good, lovable child. a new personality may develop, possibly quiet and shy and timid, or returning to outgrown baby habits of picking at food or wetting the bed, or possibly quarrelsome, bossy and possessive. A lot of "don’ts" have to be used, and probably punishments to get obedience. All this change and trouble can spring from jealousy. Number one was used to exclusive affection and all the time of mother and father. If he has not been properly prepared for number two he has very mixed feelings, and is a little jealous when he suddenly finds a second child in the home. If at this time there is failure to give him a share of the fuss and attention showered on the new baby by parents and by visitors bringing presents, he feels abandoned, resentful, and soon determines to do something to get himself back into the centre of attention. He begins to disobey, to refuse to eat, to hit other children, or devélop some annoying habit that is the only way he can think of to recover attention. Punishments make the position worse, for the child

er -- — takes this as evidence of rejection. His fears seem to be true. It is no good being a big boy or girl, so be babyish --refuse food until fed, and go back to bed wetting. The first child shows most jealousy just after the arrival of the second child. It is particularly liable to happen at ages three or four, and may do so up to age six. You mustn’t’ be surprised at this, for all of us are born with a helping of jealousy in our make up. To learn to control this is part of growing up. At ages three and four development is rapid and each skill learned is parting him a little from mother’s ministrations. He is a good boy to feed himself. When he wants to revert and refuses food, to be fed and be babyish again, mother wisely refuses and leaves the food in front of him to get cold, because he can and should feed himself. A new baby removes him further from single-handed care, just when he is learning to adapt himself to divorcement from such care. It may be the last straw, and he fights in some queer way, in resentment at the displacement, and may even show hostility to the new brother or sister. This development of jealousy is avoided by Jetting older children share in preparing for and looking after the new baby. Let the other child, in the last few weeks of pregnancy, see what has been prepared, help fold and put away baby clothes, help get the cot ready, and if you are out shopping, remember to buy something for number one at the same time-a tangible reminder that you still think of and love him. When baby comes home, bring him into the everyday baby care-helping at bath time and dressing time. Father can help by paying more attention to number one. Visitors adoring the new arrival should be reminded that number one would love a pat or a word or two. If mother used to tell the bedtime stery, and is too busy now, father should take over this little task. Number one needs mothering and fathering just as much as before number two came along. Avoid jealousy in your family by giving fair shares all round.