Favouritism

New Zealand Listener, Volume 35, Issue 890, 24 August 1956, Page 17

Favouritism

AM going to deal with a breakdown in child management, one which will rarely be admitted by either the mother or father in a home where the thing is actually happening. It is favouritism. This sometimes occurs in a school where a teacher has a favourite. There is possibly not much harm done, for the group soon take it out of the favourite, and the favoured child soon learns that it doesn’t pay to trade on the offered privileged position. In the home the

This is the text of a talk on health. broadcast recently from ZB, YA and | YZ stations of the NZBS by DR.

H. B.

TURBOTT

Deputy-Director-

General of Health

favoured child is protected from any counter-action by brother or . sister, and much harm is done if favouritism continues, unrecognised or not admitted though it may be by _ the parent. Favouritism is happening in some of our homes. It may be the age-old situation where mother favours the boy and father spoils the girl. It hannene sometimes

that both parents favour the girl against the boy, the boy being corrected and disciplined, made to help with household chores, and being saddled with the major share of the blame for any mishap. There is nothing wrong with boys helping in the house, so long as sister has to do a really fair share. There is the reverse situation, of course, where the boy may be allowed to go off to play while the sister bears the burden of all the help required by mother. A mountain of ill-feeling and unhappiness can slowly grow where any favouritism is shown. Brothers and sisters can become very jealous of one another. Now jealousy is a bad thing at all ages, upsetting personality and character development, and often appearing as a behaviour problem in young children, Troubled feelings may find expression in one child in deliberate attempts to hurt otherskicking, punching, pulling hair, biting or bashing playmates. Or expression is found in wilful destructiveness of things belonging to a brother or sister, or. others. Unhappy feelings over which the. child has no control are almost always behind such behaviour problems, Quite a common cause is jealousy, should a child think his parents love another child more. You'll say it doesn’t happen in your home. I know some homes where it is happening, but the parents seem unconscious of it, I’m sure they think they ‘are treating their children alike and being impartial. The children have outings and picnics, attend pictures and parties, get presents of like value and generally appear to have equality, But the visitor can readily detect very real favouritism in the home management between the children, and you may be sure, no matter how a parent may strive to hide it, that the child instinctively knows whether he is favoured or not. Once there is an inkling of favouritism, the child gets confirmation from the tone of your voice, from your expression, from the handling differences as shown between one child and another, and from hundreds of little things that happen in the family circle. Some parents quite blithely let a child know that they really wanted a boy

instead of a girl, or vice-versa. Some even go so far ag to say in the child’s presence that he or she, the third or fourth child, was really unwanted. This is all wrong! The child, every child, must feel he or she was wanted in the family, was welcome whether boy

or girl, and that) both parents have equal affection for it, and as much love for it as for brother or sister. If parental favouritism appears in parental conflict in any way it is very bad for the child. If one parent is jealous of the child’s affection for the other parent, and outbids the other through gifts and attentions the child learns to play one parent off against

the other, but in addition feels insecure. There’s no developing faith in the stability of the family unit and the child’s secure place therein. If brothers and sisters can grow up happily together, without any jealousy, they usually remain mutually helpful throughout life. They also easily develop equality within their own families. Here is a story from a medical clinic that musn’t happen in your home: "A little boy; about nine years old and the middle child of three, was brought to my clinic suffering from depression and anxiety. His mother said there was no favouritism and that she and her husband treated all the children alike, but the little boy told me, "*Bobby is Mummy’s favourite, and Mary is Daddy’s favourite.’ "T said, ‘What about you?’ "‘Oh’ he answered, ‘I’m nobody's nothing.’ " Please take care to avoid favouritism in your family. :