AGE WILL TELL

New Zealand Listener, Volume 32, Issue 816, 18 March 1955, Page 30

AGE WILL TELL

-or Married Secrets. A Comedy in Three Acts

with a Surprise Ending, starring A, E. Matthews;

reported from London by

J. W.

GOODWIN

Act 1 SCENE: BOW STREET COURT Warrant officer (calling): Number 19, your worship. Mrs. Lilian Patricia Matthews. Magistrate: Yes, there’s a letter from her husband, Mr. A. E. Matthews, the actor Constable: Her car was parked for two-and-a-half hours in Albemarle Street, Piccadilly. a restricted street. Magistrate: Her husband is 85. Is she an elderly lady?

Constable: I estimated her age at 30, your worship. Magistrate: Fined 30s. Act 2 Time: Later the same day. At his cottage at Bushey Heath, Herts, Mr. Matthews is explaining that he could not be sure about his wife’s age. "I often say: ‘How old are you, my dear?’ and she always replies: ‘You ought to know by now.’ She tells me she

is 36, but I think she is only 34. In any case she doesn’t look more than 24. "She’s Irish, and Irish people don’t like to tell their real age." How long had he been married? "Not long enough," replied the veteran actor adroitly-and finally.

Act 3 SCENE: AS BEFORE Time; One day later after examination of his marriage certificate at Somerset House had shown his age as 75, or 10 years younger than that given in standard reference books, Mr. Matthews (roaring): Of course I’m 75. I never was.and never will be 85. I never intend to be 85. All my relations lived to be over 100. You can’t expect ME to do the same. Al! I have left is a bank overdraft and ¥’ve had that for 20 years. ‘Brief interval while Earnest Inquirer makes more inquiries off stage and finds that the actor’s birthday is in November. When he was married in July, 1940, he gave his age as 59, so

that makes him 74, There is an ominous pause as he is tackled about this fresh discrepancy.) A.E. (as he is affectionately known in theatreland): Seventy-four, seventy-five ., . date me what you like. Let Somerset House go into the matter. All I’m saying is that I’r: not 85. (He walks over to the fireplace grumbling about a "ghastly mistake" and is as full of-fine oaths as the Falstaff he seems never to have played. He turns downstage and continues.) I started on the stage when I was 16. The Managément said, "My boy, you're much too young for the part." So I burned my birth certificate and added ten years to my age. They sort of stuck, But now-now, I’m getting sick of it. I’ve shed 10 years. I'm going to have a party to celebrate . . . Anyway, I only look 37. (Exit Earnest Inquirer satisfied, but quite forgetful of the fact that A.E.’s satisfaction and the chief cause of his celebration is that, like all good husbands, he has preserved the secret of his wife’s age.) (CURTAIN)