Pinkelephant

New Zealand Listener, Volume 16, Issue 403, 14 March 1947, Page 20

Pinkelephant

Koved Chaffinches were a peculiar family, but they became more peculiar after the witch switched the vitamins. ... This short

| story, by

BRIAN

SNOWDON

is rather a departure from our ||

usual type, but we think you will enjoy it.

HIS is the story of Sid Chaffinch, who could. do nothing with women. Don’t get the wrong idea from that! Sid was a thoroughly nice fellow. He lived in an army hut at the back of his married sister’s place. His grandfather, who was an alcoholic, and saw things, lived with him. Sid didn’t mind his grandfather’s being an alcoholic, because he believed that age, as well as youth, should have its fling. He was, as stated before, a nice chap. . But he couldn’t do anything with women. His sister, Nancy, was a nice girl; quite happily married. She spent some of her spare time looking after her brother and her grandfather, under the current. female supposition that men can’t look after themselves. She made their beds sometimes, and would often come down the yard on her bicyclethe path was long and very muddy in winter-tringing her bicycle bell, because there wasn’t a bell on the whare, and bringing them some dainty ~ recently achieved by her own hands. She was desperately interested in Sid’s love life, and his inability to get a girl, and her desire to help Sid, and act as mother-confessor to him, was both sisterly and female. Altogether, they con-stituted--well, perhaps, a rather unusual family. But the grandfather was a charming old man! Nancy was a fine type of girl! Sid was a nice’ chap! But still, he couldn’t do anything with women. * * x. INE day Sid’s grandfather, having quaffed a quart of formalin, was lying on the sofa studying natural his-tory-the sort of natural history that floats before the eyes of everybody who makes a habit of quaffing quarts of formalin. Sid was working on a crossword

puzzle, but his mind wasn’t on it. He was thinking of _ girls, and one in particular. Came the ringing of a_ bicycle bell. Sid’s grandfather stirred uneasily, but kept his gaze steadily fixed on the subject of his study. "You go, Sid," he muttered. "I’m busy." "What is it this time?" asked Sid, going to the door. ‘Don’t interrupt! You'll make it disappear." Nancy was at the door, simmering with news. She stopped short in dismay, seeing her grandfather prone on the sofa.

"What’s wrong with grandfather?" "Shush,"’ whispered Sid. "Don’t disturb him." Nancy obediently lowered her voice. "What’s he doing?" "Studying natural ‘ history." "Oh!" said Nancy. The ease with which she accepted the explanation suggested past experience. However, in case of doubt, Sid volunteered elucidation. "You know-pinkelephants." "How’s his sketch-book going?" asked Nancy. "I haven’t seen it lately." Sid fetched his grandfather’s book of water-colours. "He’s added a couple since you saw them last. Look." "He’s clever, isn’t he,’ said Nancy admiringly. "Who'd have thought he’d be so good at water-colours!"’ Sid flipped a page and showed her another. "Pretty, aren’t they?" said Nancy. "But Sidthey’re not a bit like elephants." "Y8on’t be ignorant," protested Sid. "Pinkelephant is a generic term. Anything you see when youve got the D.T.’s is a pinkelephant." "Grandfather looks. thoroughly rapt. The one he’s gazing at now should. be a beauty when he starts to draw it.... Well, what I came to see you aboutI nearly forgot-lI’ve just heard of the very thing for you." "For me?" said Sid. "How come?" "Well, you know, Sid, you can’t do anything with women. Mrs. Smith tells me she knows a witch who can give you a potion that will make you irresistible to women." Sid looked deprecatingly at his toes. "¥ don’t go much for these old-fashioned witches, Nance, with their mixtures of dandelion roots and chopped toe-nails." "But this is a modern witch, Sid," insisted Nancy. "She says it’s all in the vitamins." "Vitamins, huh?" Sid was obviously impressed. "Do you think it would be worth while going to see her?"

"To tell you the truth, she’s coming here. I rang her just a few minutes ago. She said she’d be right along." % * % IGHT on cue came the mournful cadence of a vacuum ‘cleaner. The door opened and shut almost simultaneously, but in the interim moment Mrs. Cauldron inserted herself squarely in the middle of the room and switched off the vacuum cleaner. Her steed pawed the carpet and wailed to a halt. "Oh, Mrs. Cauldron," exclaimed Nancy. "I didn’t expect you so early!" "Bless your soul, child," snorted Mrs. Cauldron, "I haven’t been all this time on my way! I was held up. A young devil made a pass at me!" Sid looked puzzled. "Technical terms," whispered Nancy in explanation. Comprehension came into Sid’s face. "Did you come in on-that?" asked Sid. "What, the vacuum cleaner?" said Mrs. Cauldron. "Of course. What do you think?" "T thought witches rode broomsticks." "We prefer to be called ‘Adepts,’ " said Mrs. Cauldron, somewhat stiffly. "And as for broomsticks, we Adepts haven’t ridden broomsticks since the roaring twenties." "Oh!" said Sid. "Now, you wanted a potion, didn’t you? Speak up quickly. I haven’t time to waste!" Sid felt a fool. "Well, it’s like thisthere’s a girl I know... ." ' "All right, all right," Mrs. Cauldron interrupted him. "You want. a_ potion to make you irresistible to women, just

like all the rest of you men. Well now, let’s see what we've got in the little black bag. . . . Do you eat plenty of rose hips?" "Never touch em," ¢ard, Sid briefly. Mrs. Cauldron crowed. "Ah! Bull’s eye first shot! A marked deficiency of vitamin V. And it just so happens that I've got an ample supply of vitamin Ve right ete; 87.3% Take it now!" Sid didn’t like to be rushed. He wanted time to think it over. "Er," he said by way of protest. Mrs. Cauldron stood no nonsense.

"Immediately, please! I want to be sure you take it." Sid swallowed and grimaced. Mrs. Cauldron mounted her vacuum cleaner. "What do I owe you?" asked Sid, hastily, not wishing to be under obligation to an Adept. "Not a thing," called Mrs. Cauldror, waving her hand back to him airily. "It’s all for the Cause!’ The vacuum cleaner whined into life; the door opened and shut-click, clock, just like that; and Mrs. Cauldron was gone. Without moving his eyes, and barely his lips, Sid’s grandfather grumbled: "Thank goodness sh@s gone! .. . I never could concentrate above the noise of a vacuum cleaner." "Do you feel any different, Sid?" asked Nancy. "Don’t feel anything," said Sid. "Still, I can’t grumble. It doesn’t cost me anything." "You will feel different, Sid. I’m sure you'll feel different. You wait." The way she said it, Sid felt there was almost a threat in it. # * % HE particular young lady who was responsible for Sid’s inability to concentrate on crossword puzzles was Miss Kay Nine. She was very fond of dogs. That, indeed, had something to do with her repeated rejection of Sid’s: suit, because Sid, as well as being unable to do anything with women, was particularly hopeless with dogs. Nancy thought it would be a good idea for Sid to go along and propose to Kay for the umpteenth time, just te see if the potion was as good as Mrs. Cauldron thought it was. Sid thought it would be a good idea tao. .: When Sid reached Miss Nine’s home, he was met by seyeral dogs, large and small, but mostly large. They barked at him. Kay, following her livestock, barked at him: "You again," barked Miss Nine, "What do you want?" "Same thing," said Sid, holding his breath as a Newfoundland sniffed his ankles with dreadful. menace. "The answer’s no!" ~ "Can you look me in the eye and say that?" asked Sid hopefully. "Dort’t be absurd! Of course I can.... Why shouldn't I?" + "Well, look me in the eve," Sid in-

vited. "You really are a terrible nuisance," sighed Kay. "Aren’t you? All right. I’m looking you straight in the eye. What about it?" "Do you feel anything?" demanded Sid, mysteriously. "Just the usual sickish feeling." "Fifff! It doesn’t work! And I can’t even ask for my money. back." "Why can’t you?" "Because I didn’t pay anything for it." "Pay anything for what? Really, you talk the most awful rubbish, Sid." At that moment the Newfoundland Tose up on its back legs and tried to lick Sid’s face. Sid spluttered. It was like being stroked across the face with half a yard of wet pink flannel. "Lie down, you brute," shouted Sid. "Don’t be so rude to my dog!" cried Kay, angrily. "I wasn’t rude to him!" 7 "You were! You treated him like .... like a dog!" ‘ i "T don’t like dogs!" shouted Sid. "If it comes to that, they don’t care for you," retorted Kay. "And you ask me to marry a man who isn’t a doglover! . . . . Pinto! Come here!" ....

Pinto, who usually obeyed his mistress’s slightest whim with worshipful adoration, showed more interest in lavishing his unwelcome affection on Sid. Kay refused to recognise the sudden pang she felt as jealousy. It was, she reasoned, the pity we feel when we see unreciprocated love lavished on an un- _ worthy object. "Pinto," she cried, more sharply, feeling -sorry for the poor dumb beast, "Come here!" Pinto, deaf to all save the voice of love, disobeyed his mistress for the first time. He danced cheek-to-cheek with Sid, gazing adoringly into his eyes, "He likes you!" breathed Kay, in consternation. "I'm going!" shouted Sid, disengaging himself from Pinto’s embrace. "They all like you!" said Kay, still in wonderment. "King Kong! Ogre! Acre! Come here!" "Call them off!"

"They won’t come! They like you! Go away, you thief, you stealer-away of a dog’s affection!" "I’m going as fast as I can." And Sid, breaking loose again, made for the gate. "Come back to me," cried Kay. Sid turned, unable to believe his ears. "No, not you, you fool! King Kong, Corncob! Come back! Don’t follow him! He doesn’t love you like I do!" Sid turned and went. And so did the dogs. (continued on next page)

SHORT STORY (continued trom previous page) EXT day, at his whare, Sid received visitors. He had discussed the matter with Nancy, and they both agreed that, as Sid wasn’t any better than before at getting on with girls, and yet seemed to have developed a fatal magnetism for animals, the chances were there was something wrong with Mrs. Cauldron’s potion. So Nancy rang up Mrs. Cauldron again, and came hurrying down the yard on her bicycle to let Sid know that the witch" was coming immediately. Nancy found the door of the whare locked and shutters up against the windows. A host of lovelorn dogs clustered round the door like bobby-soxers round Frankie, and an elderly equine spinster, with portions of a cart trailing from her harness, ogled at Sid through a crack in the shutters. Nancy had to use a subterfuge to get into the whare. It was easy when they thought of /it. All Sid had to do was call the animals from the back window of the whare, and when the coast was clear Nancy was able to walk through the front door alone with ease and dignity. Mrs. Cauldron’s methods called for no subterfuge. A moment after Nancy’s entry, the door opened and shut so rapidly that the two clicks of the lock were almost simultaneous, and Mrs.

Cauldron was in the room, stepping down with dignity from her vacuum cleaner, "Now then," said Mrs. Cauldron, "What’s the trouble about?" "Mrs. Cauldron," began Sid. "Are you sure you gave me the right vitamin? I still can’t do anything with women, but, so help me, if I so much as look an animal in the eye, it’s my devoted slave for life." "Nonsense," said Mrs. Cauldron. testily. "Vitamin Q couldn’t have that effect." "But you gave me vitamin V!" se | did?" "We all heard you," broke in Nancy excitedly. "Even grandfather." "Leave me out of it," said her grandfather, from the sofa. Mrs. Cauldron laughed heartily. "Well, well! What. do you know about that! Vitamin V!" "It’s a most awkward position to be in," said Sid resentfully. ‘""There’s nothing to laugh about. Is there an antidote?" "Oh, no. But the effect will wear off in a few months." Nancy made a_ hopeful suggestion. "Perhaps at any rate you’ve got some of this vitamin Q?" "Positively no vitamin Q," said Mrs. Cauldron firmly. "Not even on the black magic market. . . . Well, I'll be seeing you." The vacuum cleaner skirled, the doors opened and shut, and Mrs. Cauldron departed. The fans outside fel!

over themselves in alarm, but sorted themselves out and took up again their hymn of love to Sid. Inside the whare there was a bitter pause. % % * ANCY said softly: "Don’t take it so badly, Sid." "How would you like to be be leaguered by dogs?" asked Sid. . "It’s all a question of working out a tactic," said Nancy. "Suppose you let the dogs in the bach and nip out of the window. Then you could lock them in, and go out without them." Sid brightened. Grandfather called querulously from the sofa: "What about me?" "Don’t be selfish, grandfather," pleaded Nancy. "They won’t bother you. It’s Sid they’re in love with." "Oh, all right," said grandfather, bitterly. "Have it your own way." Sid sought to mollify him. "Show us your water-colours, grandfather. You were working on one this morning." Grandfather fell for the line. "That's right!" he agreed enthusiastically. "So I was! The best pinkelephant I’ve ever. seen." He riffled through the pages of his drawing-book. "Look!" Sid whistled. "Jingoes! Six legs!" His grandfather was deprecatingly modest. "They're not actually legs. He uses only two of them for walking on. Thy others are just ornaments. Cute isn’t he?" (continued on next page)

(continued from previous page) "Let me look," urged Nancy, craning over. Then she giggled. "It’s got a face like Mrs. Cauldron." ; "I’ve never seen a more dissolute pinkelephant!" laughed Sid. "And active!" declared grandfather proudly. "I had a job getting him to stand still so I could draw him!" * * * O Sid was cheered and strengthened for the life that lay ahead. And life was becoming increasingly difficult. By various underhand devices, he managed to leave his pets behind, and get out now and then for a breath of fresh air. But he seldom returned without adding an animal or two to his collection. The climax came one day when Sid’s grandfather, scorning lighter brews, took to drinking french polish, and materialised his pinkelephant! He broke the news first to Nancy. Nancy looked at the beast doubtfully. Grandfather rubbed his hands with pride and pleasure. "There you are, Nancy! I’ve materialised. him. All my,\own work!" "Hooba-hooba-hooba!" commented the pinkelephant joyfully, joining in the general feeling of jubilation. "See!" shouted grandfather. "It talks!" "But he’s over six feet high!" protested Nancy. "I thought from your painting that he was a little fellow. Aren’t you afraid of him?" "Me? I’ve known him since he was so high." Grandfather demonstrated with a finger poised half a foot above the sofa. "Hooba-hooba-hooba," remarked the pinkelephant agreeably, wishing to put Nancy at her ease. : A paean of canine praise from outside the whare indicated that Sid was returning with his latest bag of converts. "Here comes Sid," remarked Nancy. "Has he seen it yet?" "No, he hasn’t. He’ll be most surprised and pleased." Surprised was the right word. Sid entered hurriedly, having adopted Mrs. Cauldron’s technique of leaving the dogs behind him. The door slammed. "Just made it!" gasped Sid. Then he saw the pinkelephant. "Good Lord! What's that?" Nancy suddenly awoke to a new danger. "Sid," she screamed. "Don’t look it in the eye!" « She was too late. The pinkelephant had received the full impact of Sid’s newly-acquired influence-over-animals. It swayed on its feet like a Sinatra’d bobbysoxer. "Hooba-hooba-hooba!" it murmured, faintly but adoringly. "Oh heavens, Sid!" gasped Nancy. "He’s yours for life!"

It will be understood why life was becoming increasingly difficult for Sid Chaffinch. But, being a man of iron determination, he set off next day for Miss Nine’s home, accompanied by his retinue of dogs. Sid was hoping that the effect of the vitamin might be wearing off, and that Miss Kay Nine would be able to persuade her dogs to stop home. So he set off, and, of course, the pinkelephant went along too. Kay met Sid at the gate. "Don’t you dare

come in. rou daog-steaier. — "I see you’ve got some new dogs," said Sid. "Could you take these off my hands as well?" "You know perfectly well they won’t stay with me. They just come home once a day to wolf a meal, and then go back to you. .. . Goodness gracious! What's that?" "What?" "That horrible-looking thing following you?" ’ "Hooba-hooba-hooba," said the pinkelephant, introducing itself. "It’s a pinkelephant," said Sid unhappily. "Taken to drink now, have you?" "Isn’t it enough to make a man?" pleaded Sid. "But it’s not actually mine. It’s grandfather’s." "Then why does it follow you?" "Just like your dogs." "I believe you're telling me the truth," said Kay, after a pause. "T am." "But. what an awful thing to have following you about. People will think you’ve got the D,T.’s." Sid cleared his throat. "Kay, will yo marry me?" : "Don’t be silly, Sid. Marry a man with a pinkelephant tied to his apronstrings?" "All) right," said Sid, now desperate and ruthless. "I’m sorry to have to use force. See those new dogs of yours? I’ve been avoiding them in the eye. But if you don’t say ‘yes’ this time, I'll put the influence on them." "Sid! You wouldn’t be so horrid!" "Will you marry me?" "No!" . "Right! I’m going to look at them!" Kay, broken, sought concessions. "Promise me you'll stop drinking so much!" she shouted., Sid shouted in return. "I don’t drink so much." "I mean, stop your grandfather!" "What if I can’t?" "You've got to! It’s a most horrible pinkelephant!" "Hooba-hooba-hooba!" cried the pinkelephant, outraged. "Love me, love my pinkelephant," Sid insisted. "Hooba-hooba-hooba." The pinkelephant approved these sentiments. "You're fond of animals, aren’t you?" continued Sid at the top of his voice. "What's wrong with a pinkelephant?" "Hooba-hooba-hooba!" cried the pinkelephant, getting excited. "Shut up, you! Don’t interrupt!" screamed Kay. F (continued on next page) i

SHORT STORY (continued from previous page) The pinkelephant subsided. "Hooba-hooba-hooba!" it said in injured tones. "You've got to make your choice," declared Sid. "Either marry me, or say goodbye to your dogs." "You brute!" "I wox’t leave you so much as a pekingese!" Kay was almost in tears. "Oh Sid!" "You will?" "I suppose so," said Kay in a small voice, "Darling!" cried Sid rapturously. "Not because of your threats, mind you. I just like a masterful man." "T'll make you happy! T’ll do anything for you!" "Will you get rid of the pinkele phant?" "I'll make grandfather sign the pledge," declared Sid. "Hooba-hooba-hooba!" said the pinkelephant reproachfully. * * * [Tt took Sid some time and threats and argument to persuade his grandfather to stop drinking french polish, and to take up some milder spirit, such as kerosene. Because, as his grandfather protested, he was within his rights, and french polish was a rattling fine drink. Moreover, he had not given the pinkelephant to Sid-Sid had taken it. Sid really had no right to it at all, and his protests about its appearance were not in the best of taste. Gradually, however, the pinkelephant began to turn blue at the extremities, and fade away. First it got to the stage when people rubbed their eyes when they saw Sid coming, perceiving something shadowy just behind him, and then it disappeared altogether. A few days later Sid and Kay walked the aisle of the church. "Where’s your grandfather?" whispered Kay. "I thought he was coming to the wedding." Sid whispered back. "As a matter of fact . .. . he’s celebrating." "Drinking?" "Uh-huh." "French polish?" hissed Kay. "Afraid so," whispered Sid apologetically. "Don’t look now, but I think we're being followed." There were screams from the congregation. Kay pressed her lips tight as she walked the aisle. From behind her came a voice in howdy-pal accents, and aren’t-you-glad-to-see-me-again?" "Hooba-hooba-hooba," said the pinkelephant.