THE COST OF COURTSHIP

New Zealand Listener, Volume 14, Issue 356, 18 April 1946, Page 20

THE COST OF COURTSHIP

(Written for "The Listener"

by

PAT HASTINGS

In the Spring a fuller crimson comes upon the robin’s breast; In the Spring the wanton lapwing gets himself another crest; In the Spring a livelier iris changes on the burnished dove; In the Spring a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love. OUNTIFUL nature is kind to the robin and the lapwing; she freely provides them with all the brighter raiments necessary for their courting. This generosity, however, is not extended to the young man. If he is to convince the object of his affections that he is in earnest he must take himself to a mercer shop and buy his own floral shirts and bright neckties. Perhaps bountiful nature is aware-and we say this with all due respect to Mr. Tennyson — that the young man does not always confine his amorous activities to the spring. Take the case of young Martin, for example. Now that happened in the early autumn. He met Audrey at the Saturday night dance and after he had taken her home and she had agreed to let him escort her again the following Saturday he was convinced that there was nobody in the world quite like her. His supposition was undoubtedly correct. * * * HE Martin-Audrey- affair lasted four lunar months and twenty-one days. During that time Audrey consumed 314 gallons of ice-cream at Martin’s expense. She drank her way through four gallons of milk in the form of milk-shakes, nibbled 18 pounds of chocolate and 24 bags of mixed confectionery and ate nine meals in restaurants at an average cost of 2/6 a meal. They visited the picture theatre 38 times, and attended 25 dances. On Audrey’s birthday Martin quite lost his head and bought a necklace costing 52/6. However, he was rewarded a hundred-fold because Audrey always thinks of him when she puts it on. Over the birthday week he bought three bunches of flowers at a total cost of 21/6, as well as helping himself to some prize begonias from the family hothouse. This latter indiscretion cost him five days of strained relations with his father. What was the total cost of 19 weeks’ courtship? £13/12/6. You are appalled, But wait! That is only the direct cost. Let us consider the indirect. After three weeks of courting Martin began to indulge in more frequent haircuts and to use a more expensive hair oil, which he applied with somewhat greater liberality. Net increase-6/6. At the end of the tenth week, because Audrey was so wonderful and worthy of the very best, Martin bought himself a new suit (£17/19/11), and a new sports coat (£8/8/-). Audrey said she liked a young man to be athletic, so Martin joined the

Green Rovers (annual sub. 10/6) and bought himself a new pair of runningshoes (25/6) and entered for the open 220 yards sprint (1/-). He came in a long way behind everyone else, ricked a muscle rather badly and spiked himself with his new running-shoes. This episode cost him a good deal of pain, both mental and physical, as well as 2/6 for medical attention after he had received the Social Security refund. What was the total cost of Martin’s courtship?--£41/19/11. * * * ND what happened, you will ask, at the end of the four lunar months, twenty-one days? They were dancing at the Winter Gardens after a picture show. "Say, Audrey," yelled Martin, above the blare of the music, "You look super tonight. Don’t you reckon it’s time we thought about a ring?" Audrey patted him gently on the shoulder. "You’re stunning, Martin, and I love you, but just as though you were a big brother." Martin was feeling very sad. But he wasn’t worrying about the 3% gallons of ice-cream, etc., that she’d consumed. He was just sad because she wouldn’t have him, But don’t start feeling sorry for Martin; because he’s quite happy again now. Indeed, "quite happy" is almost too mild a way to express it. At the very next Saturday night dance he met Valerie. Valerie, he concluded with amazing sagacity, is not a bit like Aud-rey-in fact, she’s a different person altogether. Deep down in his heart, even when he was going out with Audrey (and how long ago that seems now!) he knew he would one day meet someone like Valerie. * * a P to the present time Valerie has consumed six bottles of carbonated beverage, one quart of ice-cream and three pounds of chocolate. No, reader, do not be top ready to disparage her, she has only had two weeks and is not even fully warmed up to it yet. Given a fair and honest trial she promises to be every bit as good as Audrey and may even eclipse her. She doesn’t especially admire athletic young men-thank goodness for that-but she’s very keen on culture. During the two nights a week that he doesn’t take her out, Martin (continued on next page)

(continued from previous page) reads Plato’s Republic (10/6 new) and aas already absorbed 35 pages of culture. : %* % * HAT will become of Martin? We may safely conclude that at the end of a number of years he will be either (a) a married man, or (b) a bachelor. Will he one day sit down and calculate the total cost of his various courtships? Probably not. He’s such an open-handed man that the idea would not even occur to him. In Eastern countries they buy their wives outright at the market placecash down, of course, but once you’ve paid she’s yours. We Westerners, however, are born gamblers, and we seem to find something infinitely fascinating about the instalment system.