WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

New Zealand Listener, Volume 12, Issue 302, 6 April 1945, Page 8

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

Fun With A Directory

S a Christian name is something a child is forcibly labelled with for life and therefore has to accept with the philosophy of helplessness, parents and godparents are saddled with a responsibility which, in some cases, appears to be too much for them. At least that is what many a man feels when the time comes for him to have his Christian mame or set of initials inscribed in a telephone book or on his business card. A clergyman of the Church of England performs the ceremony of baptism whenever required by a parishioner and gives whatever names are selected by the parents or godparents-except that, although the rubrics do not expressly say so, he can object to any name on religious or moral grounds. Christian names are therefore a-matter of almost completely free choice, but a surname remains constant unless it is so annoying that it is changed by deed of poll. With the object of getting an idea of the trend of surnames in New Zealand I put in an hour or two with the Post Office Directory searching for the unusual. But I had not gone far before I engaged in a sort of game-the association of names with things animate and inanimate. * * * ‘THIs was the kind of thing. I found 69 Adams, but only one Eve. So much for Genesis. But one must eat and here there seemed to be no cause for alarm, for there were 626 Bakers. And something to drink? This was no dry area; there were 17 Barrels, 44 Beers, no Ale, but seven Gins, 39 Ports, 37 Stouts, one Whisky, 93 Brewers, 680 Coopers, 54 Glasses, no Bars and no Cellars, but 60 Belchers! Four Arms and 32 Hands were ample to deal with this little lot as an aperitif to 11 Feasts, leaving 61 Bones. Having dealt with the refreshment side of the Directory, my thoughts fairly logically took a financial turn. And there, at sight, were 170 Banks, 28 Moneys, no Cheques; but plenty of Cash as represented by 52 Holders. Logically a freshen-up was the next thing, and again there was no difficulty. Barbers were prolific-106 of them, to deal with 13 Shaves of 50 Beards and 21 Whiskers. Then I turned to the sporting side of nomenclature to watch the skill of 20 Bowyers, 178 Archers with eight Bows, a similar number of Arrows, but not a Quiver among them; and then, by way of a change, to aesthetics where there were two Airs, one Tune, three Melodies, but not a single Song. Outdoors were Birds a-plenty-181 all told, including 73 Finches, 33 Goldfinches, 45 Sparrows, 11 Larks, 10 Parrots, 23 Crows and one Avis-the rara avis, of course. Round the 23 Gardens there was not a Dog to be seen or a Bite to be felt, but there were five Barks. The sylvan scene contained 54 Brooks, one Creek, 37 Rivers, 14 Ponds, and 69 Lakes, all served by 47 Bridges surrounded by 14 species of Bracken and two Ferns. Probably this sort of foolery would be frowned on by the 403 Butlers attendant upon the 35 Dukes, and it would "never do" for the 89 Graces as sung about by

111 Normans and 167 Longs, who would be perfectly at home with the 4,637 Smiths, but uneasy with the 64 Smythes. x * Ea SUFFERING obviously, from the touch of 14 Suns, I went home to climb one Stair with 32 Bannisters, and to listen for 223 Days to 730 Bells rung by 17 Bellringers, only one of whom was Bellworthy. There was not a Sunday available for the one Rest in 29 Weeks, but later I discovered 269 Bishops in five Bishoprics, 11 Parsons in 12 Parsonages, 86 Priests, nine Friars and 101 Churches for the seven Comforts of my Soulle. Moreover, there were five Blooms and 46 Flowers to bring me back to normal after seeing 410 Blacks, one Red, 1,270 Whites, 111 Greys, 2,310 Browns, ‘735 Greens, 20 Pinks, 25 Golds, and five Scarlets. Actually, as there was no perfect Cure to be had, my thoughts turned to a sea voyage, only to find five Boatwoods, one Boatswain, 11 Bollards, 63 Chandlers, but not a single Ship. So, back to the 33 Meadows where I glimpsed five Does, .37 Bucks, 145 Bulls, two Cows, and 60 Bullocks, along with 5 Rabbits and 21 Butrows, enjoying the shelter of two Trees, 19 Branches, and 86 Bushes. * * * O much scrambling about meant a visit to the Clothiers, but all they could offer were 14 Coats, 43 Buttons

and 84 Cottons. So, with the assistance of 9 Caddies and amid 7 Cheers I played 24 Rounds in four Games, one being Golf. On the way home: again I picked up 23 Hams, 6 Cheeses, 22 Oranges, 34 Lemons and 5 Chestnuts from 46 Orchards-all these requiring 7 Drays and 600 Carters. Naturally this annoyed my wife, who was awaiting me with 100 Birches, 12 Canes and a couple of Sticks. I could go on like this for hours, but, having got this far, would you say that this piece of lunacy is worth 140 Bests, 82 Goods, six Fairs, or only 2 Pass’s? It’s up to 36 Readers.

E.R.

B.