THE BATTLESPIRIT OF ITALY

New Zealand Listener, Volume 5, Issue 125, 14 November 1941, Page 10

THE BATTLESPIRIT OF

ITALY

| Written for n The Listener " | y

ALEXANDER

SCHWARZ

Ii Duce, on the Russian front: ". . . battlespirit of the Italian troops and is magnificent" . «+ WO Italian townspeople, just betore Mussolini declared war, are sitting in a pub somewhere between Foggia and Bari. They are talking politics. Signor Maccaroni: It is true, there is a slump in the tourist industry. There are few visitors to our seaside places. I think that our clever Fascist Government will declare war on a rich, honest and unsuspecting people. ... I say the English: The English will be compelled to land on our shores, they will occupy all our best resorts. The hotel industry, the ice cream industry, and the picture postcard industry will boom. After all these are our most important industries, Our Government, with the help of the League of Nations, will try to protract the war as long as possible, so that our guests will remain with us a long time. This scheme will save us from bankruptcy. But when they have become thoroughly bored, which I hope will not happen soon, and want to go home to their families, we shall show our hand-and present the bill. Signor Spaghetti: Do you think the English will pay? Signor Maccaroni: Of course. An English gentleman cannot leave a hotel with-

out paying his bill. That is the reason why we shall have a war with England, who is our traditional friend, and not with Russia for instance. Of course the Russians would come too, and they would

eat twice as much as the English, but ‘not only would they not pay — they would say they ought to be paid themselves for eating. up our stuff. bag * %* Signor Spaghetti: I think that with the English the dispute will end with a football match. For they are damned clever too. That’s why they are so rich. They have brains in their heads instead of tomato juice like many of our leaders. Conceive, if you can, a football match in Rome, between the Arsenal of London and Juventus of Turin, played in the presence of the two governments. Imagine how tourists would flock here from all corners of the globe to see it. Conceive, if you can, the glory that would redound to our country if the English were inclined to give us a guarantee that they would allow themselves to be beaten. Signor Maccaroni: Impossible! The English would rather evacuate Malta, Egypt, plus Gibralter, and perhaps even Singapore, than allow themselves to be beaten in football. They have not got the understanding sporting spirit of us. Signor Spaghetti: In that case it will be a hard match. But we do not want to kill any of them. We are not fools like that to harm our best customers. * * bod Signér Maccaroni: But what if they send the Irish? ‘They are living somewhere in England too, and they cannot play decent football, so that no tourists would come to watch them. They have no money to spend, and on the top of

these things they are ferocious like tigers. Signor Spaghetti: How do you know all these so well? Signor Maccaroni: I was living some ten years ago in America and there in New York I have met some of them, I have the saddest memories of them. You know, in New York I went once to the pictures. I felt lonely and homesick, A pretty blonde was sitting beside me; she looked lonely too. I offered her candies, which she accepted. A little bit later I squeezed one of her hands — I thought that this was exactly what she had expected me to do. But it seems that she had very strange habits ... she made a hell of a fuss and started to scream. A short, thin fellow who was sitting on the other side of her quietly like a fish, until now, gave me suddenly a straight blow into my eyes so that I couldn’t see any more. I am a polite man with good manners and wanted to apologise in order to reconcile him, I told him that the English are the finest fellows on earth. As an answer he gave me a kick in the stomach, and something else, with such violence and precision that only in the hospital where they took me did I come to myself. I was ill for weeks and the doctors told me that I should never tell an Irishman that the English are any good. You see now why I do not want any of that bunch here. I couldn’t get a cent damages out of him. They have no money at all. As a matter of fact I would prefer the Scots. They make the finest whisky and they ‘would perhaps teach us how to make it. Signor Spaghetti: Santa Maria i Bambino! No, no, no... I do not want even the smell of them. I was a guide in Naples-you know, a cicerone-for years but they never gave me more than twopence for tips. They have the. money, that is quite true, but they keep it for themselves. That is the truth, too. They think that money spoils the character of others. An elderly Scottish spinster whom I was dragging along for days, and show(Continued on next page)

THE ITALIAN SPIRIT (Continued from previous page)

ing her everything worth seeing in Naples, gave me a_ polished farthing once. I thought that it was a gold coin; it looked like it, it was so bright. I had never seen that blasted coin before. It is not worth more than an empty eggshell. No, give me the English, they are the best of the lot. * * * Signor Maccaroni: Well, in that case, let us have the English. I agree too that they are the best. By the way, if they do not like their_king they just chop off a head. That’s the stuff that we want really. Signor Spaghetti: Yes, that’s what we ought to practise too. You know, we could learn practical patriotism from them also. They had a leader once, I have forgotten his name, who loved his country so much that he took half a dozen wives. He has really done his best for his country. You cannot expect more from a king, Both: Eviva Il Inglese! Hail the English! Let us have of them, as many as possible. This is our resolution. They both empty their glasses. ok * * (Note: This story is not just a joke, A conversation like this, in a small pub, near Foggia, took place just betore Italy entered the war. It was published among others in the antiFascist paper " Gusticia e Liberta" in Paris before the German occupation, This story has been based on it.)