LISTENINGS

New Zealand Listener, Volume 5, Issue 106, 4 July 1941, Page 15

LISTENINGS

Perpetrated and illustrated by

KEN

ALEXANDER

MUSSO MAKES WHOOPEE!

USSOLINI has declared war on Russia! Tiger Musso, the terror of the south! What a one he is! Never happy unless he is declaring war and never happy after he has declared war. He plays the Duce, fortissimo, pizzicato and all over the vocal chords. For red-hot swing, Nero had nothing on Musso. Most men after losing the best part of an army and an empire would give up chin-music and spend the rest of their days in meditation

or poker-work, But not Musso. Declaring wars is easy for him, It is fighting them that comes so hard. First Britain, from whom he learned that, although you may tweak a lion’s tail, there is another end to every lion! Then Greece, where he slipped on the s-hope and came down, until Adolf picked him up and reduced him to a puppet State, with strings on. And now, Russia! But Musso has learned that it is wiser to wait until Adolf has broken in before arriving with the bag to gather up the pickings. Actually, it doesn’t matter to Stalin whether Mussolini declares war ‘or plunges into peace, Musso is a_ fire-eater-gas-fed-but fitted more for opera than uproar, suited more to the wurlitzer than the howitzer, built for inquests rather than conquests, Musso’s Fascism has deteriorated to fizzism, First he fizzes up and then he fizzes out. Every fizz is a fizzle. But you can’t get away from the fact that he has declared war on Russia. He probably did it from pure boredom. A dictator who spends his days being dictated to must feel an urge to tear up his notes and step on the gas when the road is safe. There are still new places Musso can declare war on: Nobody has thought of Tierra del Fuego or Cascara Sagrada yet. When Musso wakes in the morning . the first thing he does, after having his chin lifted for the day, is to inquire of his under-secretary for fireworks, "Who can we declare war on to-day? Someone safe, with plenty of water and land and Adolf’s army between us. We don’t

want to go shaking anything at anyone who can shake back. We tried that in Greece, It wasn’t such good shakes. But we did learn that it is always better to be generous and let Adolf go first. It pleases him and is safer for us. Share everything; that is the secret of happiness, Adolf can’t say that we haven't shared all our defeats with him. And, whatever happens, we always get a run for our money.. The only run we haven't had is a run of luck." "Still, we have tried," says the undersecretary for fireworks. "There’s only one direction we haven’t run in, so far." "But now that Italy is a suburb of Germany we are reasonably safe. Adolf says we are one, but I am not sure which one is the one. And I don’t altogether like the way he refers to us as Germitalians. Is it fancy or do you think

sunny Italy is quite so sunny since it went all guttural?" asks Musso, "It does seem kind of dull with so much necking-in by the Reich. Wherever I go I see necks-slabs and slabs of them. No wonder Hitler says ‘it’s neck or nothing.’ What you want to buck you up, Duce, is to put on your best suit and declare war on someone. What about Russia? It’s quite safe. Adolf won't expect you to fight, because you’ve nothing left to fight with, except your mouth," "Ah! Quite a suggestion, Blowhardini, Bring in the war-declaration uniform!"