LISTENINGS

New Zealand Listener, Volume 3, Issue 70, 25 October 1940, Page 13

LISTENINGS

Perpetrated and illustrated by

KEN

ALEXANDER

RACE CONSCIOUS!

HE BBC reports that the largest bombs yet employed on a raid have been dropped on military objectives in Berlin. So, added to those baffling problems "Where do flies go in the

winter and chilblains go in the summer?" is the mystery "Where does Hitler go in the air raid?" Here, for the first ‘time, we release a@ running commentary by a neutral sporting broadcaster on the classic Reichstag Race run to the tune of "Bombs A’daisy" played by the Royal sities

Air Force Band: "Hullo, everybody! Here we are in the Chancellery. The atmosphere here is tense. The air raid siren has just sounded and the first bomb has signalled the start of the Grand National-Socialist Safety-first Stakes. Yes-they’re off! Here they come down the Chancellery corridor to a quick getaway. Hitler-yes, it’s the Fuhrer himself-has jumped off to a splendid lead. A wonderful performance! He is doing thirty jumps to the second and it seems a certainty that he will make the head of the stairs well in the lead. No, b’gad! Goebbels has pulled out from the ruck and has flashed between his legs on roller skates. Goebbels now lies first-as usual. Goering, who carries top weight, is labouring badly. He is using up his breath, shouting: "They can’t reach Berlin, I told the people it was impossible. It must be the gas meter!" But-oh! A close shave, Hermann! He’s hit! No, it’s only his trousers. A burst has shaved off the back buttons. Yes, he’s holding up. No, they’re down. B’jove he has recoveredthey’re up. He is gaining on the Fuhrer. Oh, a foul! He has bumped Hitler through the door of the Gestapo. Hitler has tipped over Himmler who is lying in a poor position under the carpet. Another bomb gives them a lift and they’re making a strong bid for the door. They've jammed. They’re fighting for place. Himmler will break through first! ~_---

He has got a Gestapo screw on Hitler’s moustache. Can he do it? Yes! NoHitler has got an Axis twist round his windpipe with a rubber truncheon. Oh, a neat bit of strangling, sir! Hitler

is away and gaining on Goering who is taking an unfair advantage by rolling down the stairs. Goebbels is hanging on to the Air Marshal’s medals. Goebbels is on tophe’s underneath-he’s up-he’s down-

he’s all out-he’s flat out- he’s all in. Another bomb is coming through the roof, Hitler is taking the bannister with a flying tackle. Will he overshoot? No, he is hugging the rail and coming down in a steep dive-that is to say-no, he has shaken himself off the nail-all except the back half of his pants. Now he is making a perfect pancake landing on Goering and Goebbels. They are all rising-except Goebbels. Hitler is shouting: "Is Goebbels alive?" Goering is answering. "He says so, but you know what a liar he is," 2 Hitler and Goering are off again. It’s neck and neck now for the cellar door. Goering is drawing away. But-oh, a pretty bit of choking, sir! Hitler has grabbed the cord of Goering’siron cross, Goering is going blue in the face. He is losing his breath, he is losing his pacehe has lost his trousers, Hitler is leaping over him but-no, he has caught his foot in Goering’s Order of the Twofaced Eagle. Will he get the bird? Oh! A beautiful three and a-half point header, sir, right through the cellar door; This, listeners, is definitely the ead of the race and, if you'll pardon me, I'll pop off to find out if it is the end of the winner, too."