LiSTENiNGS

New Zealand Listener, Volume 3, Issue 68, 11 October 1940, Page 10

LiSTENiNGS

Perpetrated and illustrated by

KEN.

ALEXANDER

66 THIS ENGLAND"

¢é H to be in England!" What yearning in those linesespecially as recited in the Reich. No one can say that Hitler hasn’t tried to capture the witchery of England. The south coast especially has called him and, if he hasn't obeyed the summons it hasn’t been his fault. He says that he will get there even if he has to walk. The cables in fact report that he has produced cork sea-skis (pronounced sea-shees-as in bar parlours) on which to stroll across. The rate of progress is said to be five miles an hour-presumably on the level; but coming from Germany it is unlikely to be on the level, Anyone who has gone for a skate on a cork bath-mat knows the feeling.

Earlier it was rumoured that the Fuhrer was equipping an army with diving suits. The idea was that they would goose-step into the brine at Boulogne, singing the German version of "Kiss Me Good-night, SergeantMajor," and emerge at Dover, each soldier disguised as a simple fisherman by carrying an anchor and a pot of bloater paste. Thus the march on Billingsgate would be unopposed and, -with the kipper supply in Nazi hands, England would be starved into submission. But, if these Nazi U blokes went into the brine they are still in pickle. Then it was said that thousands of German soldiers, fully equipped, were practising swimming to and from moored ships. But we hear that the survivor ‘said that he would feel lonely on an invasion and didn’t know a soul in London, anyway. The flat-bottomed barge scheme doesn’t seem so watertight now, either. Since the R.A.F. looked it over it seems flatter than the barges. What Hitler doesn’t realise (among other things) is that he is up against centuries of cricket. With proper deference to Drake and his bowls, the real spirit of England is the spirit of cricket (see "Cricket on the Hearth"). The chief difference between England and Germany is that Germany doesn’t play cricket. In England everything is either cricket or "not cricket." In Germany | everything is "not cricket,"

The Battle for Britain will be won equally on the swards of Lord’s and the greens of Little-Googley and UpperSlogging. If only the Axis powers could be induced to bowl overarm, instead of their usual underhand, Lord’s would be the ideal field for this fight for decency. It is, however, certain that the report of the game would read:

"The Test for the Ashes of Civilisation between the Axis eleven, led by Captain Hitler, and the All-British Empire team captained by Winston Churchill, began---and ended — yesterday. Hitler won the toss (Mr. Churchill refused to comment on the rumour that the coin was a double-headed mark). Hitler and Goering went in first. After the first ball Hitler demanded the removal of all the field as he felt that the Axis was being encircled. When this was refused he hit the wicketkeeper from behind with his bat claiming that, although he threatened nobody, he must have room to expand. Goering next demanded the removal of the stumps on the grounds that they retricted the free expression of Axis aims. Mr. Churchill neither confirms nor denies the rumour that the Axis score on the board was changed from 6 to 106 by Dr. Goebbels. Captain Hitler heatedly upheld the action of the Axis spectators, who ate all the afternoon tea behind the caretaker’s back, as the ordinary privilege of Axis minorities. After accusing the umpire of unAryan behaviour the Axis eleven broke off relations and left, taking the roller, one of the iron gates and two of the umpire’s spare hats."