"FOILED BY FATE"

New Zealand Listener, Volume 2, Issue 43, 19 April 1940, Page 11

"FOILED BY FATE"

6y

Isobel

Andrews

COUSIN MILLIE GOES TO THE PICTURES *

OUSIN MILLIE had come down to see C the Exhibition. Cousin Millie on her own wasnt really too bad but you see she had brought the baby with her and we all know how babies complicate things both before and after the blessed event as they say in the novels. Well Cousin Millie’s baby certainly complicated things this time because for some reason or other Cousin Millie seemed genuinely attached to the creature and wouldn’t budge without it, to say nothing of a large leather handbag with a zip fastener that never would fasten stuffed full of rubbertopped feeding bottles, revolting bits of apple tied ‘up in butter muslin, an extra pair of waterproof pants (and when I say water I mean water), and sundry white squares that seemed indispensable though at times strangely inadequate. Anyway Mum had taken Cousin Millie every day to the Exhibition and after the baby had been sick on the roller coaster and had screamed itself blue in the face at the sight of the livers that had been attacked by hydatids and had fallen into the pond that was round the fountain Mum got a bit fed up and said what about going to the pictures for a change to-day. And Millie who was a good soul at heart when one discounted her unaccountable maternal preferences said all right Mabel I'd quite like to. So they went to see Korriss Barloff in Foiled by Fate at the Temple Theatre taking the baby with them because Cousin Millie said he always slept through the afternoon and would be no trouble. Mum felt doubtful but thought Millie should know so off they went. The Boy at the Back Korriss Barloff was as good as ever. This time he had a hump on his back, a scar on his face, and a twisted leg so you knew right from the jump that he was a bit peculiar and the Boy at the Back said Betya he’s a German spy. And the baby didnt seem to want to go to sleep after all but leant over and patted gently the bald head of the Old Gentleman in Front. So Millie apologised and gave the ‘baby some apple in butter muslin and that

kept it quiet for a bit and Millie had another look at the film. There was a beautiful young woman who was dressed as a Red Cross nurse and she was putting her pale beautiful hands on the fevered brow of a young British officer and saying I cannot tell you why but I must go. Betya she’s a German spy in disguise said the Boy at the Back. And the baby banged his apple down on the bald head of the Old Gentleman in Front. Getting on With the Story Then there was a fade out and the next thing you knew was the beautiful young woman being presented with an iron cross by an officer with close cropped hair who spoke German with an English accent and called her Fraulein. Toldya she was a German spy said the Boy at the Back and Cousin Millie apologised to the Old Gentleman in Front and returned to the story. Then the next thing we knew was Korriss Barloff all dressed up as a valley in the house of a British Cabinet Minister and his foreign accent wasnt German at all but French and the yarn he had pitched was he was really a Frenchman and he had been ill treated by the Germans and his beautiful young wife and child had disappeared and he hated the enemy with a hate that was stronger than death. But I betya he’s still a German spy said the Boy at the Back. Enter the Hero Then the beautiful young nurse came to the house of the British Cabinet Minister and this time she was a governess to the children of the B.C.M. and who do you think his eldest son was? The handsome young British officer that she had laid hands on in hospital of course. And some plans had gone astray and in the dead of night Korriss and the nurse met in the library of the British Cabinet Minister both creeping round quiet like and carrying candles- don’t ask me why they didnt carry torches because really I dont know-and he said to her Nicht wahr and she replied Deutchland Uber Alles and then they knew they were in cahoots as they say in America and the Boy at the Back said I

toldya and the baby leant forward suddenly and pulled the left ear of the Old Gentleman in Front. Exit the Villain "Then the handsome young British officer came down the stairs in a beautiful striped dressing-gown and he showed that he at least had a bit of common sense because he switched on the electric light and there they were-discovered. But Korriss wasnt to be caught out like this and he said they had heard voices and had come down to investigate. But the young British officer was not going to be fobbed off with a thin story like that so he said Scotland Yard must know of this but that was the last thing Korriss wanted so he flung his candle at the handsome young British officer and this took him off his guard and all would have gone ill for him had not the beautiful young girl shown herself in her true colours and instead of attacking the young man and helping Korriss she ups with a hundred thousand pound Sevres china vase from off the Adam mantelpiece of the library of the house of the British Cabinet Minister and goes for poor old Korriss, plonk, on the cranium and lays him out. And he’s dead as mutton. She musta bin a British spy in disguise all the time said the Boy at the Back. The Missing Plans Then the young and handsome British officer and the beautiful young woman look at each other over the corse of Korriss and he says I'll never forget what you've done this night and she said simply it was my duty, And then the question was where were the missing plans and where do you think? Betya Korriss hid them some funny place said the Boy at the Back. And you can bet your boots he had, Because after the young British officer had searched the corse of Korriss pretty thoroughly during which time the beautiful young woman had modestly looked out of the window, the handsome young British officer discovered them in Korriss’s hump because you see he really wasnt a hunchback after all but the hump was a false one made of rubber and it stuck to poor old Korriss’s backbone by some sort of suction and when the young British officer removed it there were the plans all neatly tied up in red tape and waiting to be signed, so that the young British officer and the beautiful young woman were able to rush to Downing Street with the plans and they were thus in time to frustrate an air raid over London and Korriss’s corse was placed in an unknown grave and the young British officer and the beautiful young girl were united in holy matrimony because of course she wasnt a German spy at all but a British spy pretending she was a German spy in order to find out what had happened to the plans. The Boy Was Right? And the Boy in the Back said toldya she was a British spy all the time. And the baby took off its shoe and hurled it neatly and efficiently at the bald head of the Old Gentleman in Front and the radiola trilled out all in one breath GodsaveourGraciousKingLongliveournobleKingGodsavetheKing and Millie gathered up her belongings and the baby and said well thanks a lot I really enjoyed it. And the baby seemed to have enjoyed it too-but Mum-well Mum wasnt quite so sure.